Cause For Pregnant Pause

| ON, Canada | Bizarre, Money

(A customer calls in, noticing that she hasn’t had any money taken from her account for her water heater rental for the last couple months.)

Me: “Okay, so let me look into your file. Hmm, seems you’ve not been set up on our new billing system. That’s probably the problem. Let me just grab your info from the old system to fix it. Wait, you’re not in there either.”

Customer: “Huh?”

Me: “I don’t think you’ve been billed for this in a while. Yeah, here’s a note from 2007 saying you hadn’t been billed since September ’06. It seems as though they just closed it without actually fixing it. You haven’t been charged for seven years.”

Customer: “Wow.”

Me: “Now, unfortunately, we’re going to have to back-bill you for this—”

Customer: “Oh, God!”

Me: “…but luckily for you, we cap back-bills at one year. So, it won’t be a couple grand: it’ll just be about $300.”

Customer: “Oh, wow, that’s so much better. Thank you!”

Me: “Wait, did you just thank me for billing you $300?”

Customer: “Yeah. It’s like one time when I was 14, and I’d just gotten my first piercing. I told my parents that I was pregnant, and by the time they figured out that I wasn’t, they were okay with any other news I could possibly have given them.”

Stereo-Typo

| USA | Bigotry, Technology

(I’m the customer service administrator. I’m the very last in line when customers ask to speak to a manager. Our tech support call center is located in India, but our headquarters, where I work, are in the States.)

Me: “Good afternoon, [company name]; this is [name].”

Customer: “Yes, I asked for a shipping label a couple days ago to send in my unit, and I haven’t gotten it yet. What’s the hold up?”

Me: “It looks like a shipping label was generated to be sent to your e-mail, but someone made a typo in your e-mail address. We sent it out via mail; sorry about that! It should reach you in a couple of days.”

Customer: “What?! D*** foreigners! How hard is it to type in an e-mail address? Your company is doing a disservice, shipping jobs that honest, hard-working Americans could have, over to India!”

Me: “The mistake was a simple typo, sir. Anyone could have made that mistake, American or otherwise.”

Customer: “That’s just a bull-s*** excuse! If you don’t want to take my word for it, fine. But you’re doing a disservice to this country!”

Me: “Sir, please stop cursing.”

Customer: “What? No, f*** you! Okay, what happens when I get the label?”

(I explain to him how to attach the label to the box and send the unit in.)

Customer: “No! That’s bull-s***! I have to do all this work, just to get a d*** piece of s*** unit that works! Your company is terrible and—”

Me: “Sir, if you do not calm down, I will hang up the phone.”

Customer: “What? Hang up? Fine! Hang up on me!” *hangs up*

Pay Off Your Insurance Or Go Into Rears

| Leicester, England, UK | Health & Body

(I work in a call center for travel insurance. Once a medical condition is declared, we go through a series of questions about that condition.)

Me: “As a result of your diabetes, have you suffered any retinal damage?”

Customer: “That’s a bit personal, don’t you think?”

Me: “Not really, it’s one of the standard questions for your condition.”

Customer: “Well, I’m not sure I’m comfortable discussing something so personal with you, especially with you being a woman.”

Me: “Um… I wouldn’t say it was too personal.”

Customer: “Can you repeat the question?”

Me: “As a result of your diabetes, have you suffered any retinal damage?”

Customer: “Oh, retinal! I thought you said rectal!”

Needs To Chill Out

| Auckland, New Zealand | Bizarre, Crazy Requests, Technology

(Our company takes calls from all over the world from customers wanting help with household appliance queries.)

Me: “Welcome to the customer care centre. How may I help today?”

(An American customer starts screaming.)

Customer: “STOP WATCHING ME! BIG BROTHER IS INSIDE MY FRIDGE!”

Me: “Why do you think that, ma’am?”

Customer: “There’s this little blinking light and manic beeping coming from inside my fridge! Listen!”

(I hear a clunking noise, and the customer’s voice gets very faint. A few moments pass; the customer puts the phone to her ear again.)

Customer: “Did you hear that? I know someone is spying on me!!”

Me: “What just happened, ma’am?”

Customer: “I put ya’ll in the fridge so you could hear the noise, and see who’s spying on me!”

Me: “Well, apart from being a little chilly I didn’t hear anything. How often does the beeping occur?”

Customer: “When I have the door open! I can see the blinking light and the beeping is driving me nuts!”

Me: “Ma’am? The fridge does this to alert you to the fact that the door has been open for too long. It is so the food is kept fresh. I promise you, there is no one watching you.”

Customer: “Yes! There is someone! What are you going to do about it?”

Me: “May I ask how much you purchased your fridge for?”

Customer: “Around $1500. Why?”

Me: “Ma’am, you don’t need to worry. There is no one inside your fridge watching you. We only supply the ones with robots inside for the military, and those fridges would set you back $5000! I promise you that if you shut your fridge door firmly when it starts to beep, you won’t have any more trouble.”

(The customer breathes a sigh of relief.)

Customer: “Whew! I thought I was going nuts! Thanks hon!”

Her Credit Didn’t Quite Make The Cut

| Ottawa, ON, Canada | Extra Stupid, Technology

Me: “Thank you for calling, how can I help you?”

Caller: “My card isn’t working, and I think I know why.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. Why do you think your card isn’t working?”

Caller: “Well, I cut the end off. I accidentally cut through the chip, and after that it wouldn’t work in the cash register. I think that’s what did it.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Did you say that you cut a piece of the card off?”

Caller: “Well, yes. It wouldn’t fit in the pocket in my wallet, so I cut it so that it would fit.”

Me: “Okay. Well, yes. That would most likely be the reason why it isn’t working. We’ll replace the card for you. It should arrive in seven to ten working days. Did you have any other questions or concerns today?”

Caller: “Yes, actually. Do you think if I cut the other side of the card without the chip on it, it would work fine?”

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