This Caller Has No Hang Ups

| USA | Rude & Risque, Spouses & Partners, Theme Of The Month

(I work in retention for a major credit card company. One of the strictest rules in our department is that, while you can suggest strongly that a customer hang up or call back, you cannot drop the call.)

Customer: “I was wondering if we could talk about my interest rate. I was noticing on my last- OH, GOD!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “OH! OH, GOD!”

Me: “Ma’am, are you all right?”

Customer: “I’m fine. My husband just fondled my breast.”

(I turn bright red and her breathing becomes heavy.)

Customer: “OH, GOD, YES!”

Me: “Ma’am, if this is a bad time…”

Customer: “NO! I was saying, on my last statement, I noticed that my APR… OH, OH, OH, GOD, YES!”

(From the grunting and moaning on the other end of the line, I deduce that this is not just… um… a fondle. All this time, the woman keeps telling me that she wants to know if we can lower her APR. I finally had to mute the phone, turn down the mind-blowing orgasm that my customer was having and then answer her questions when she could focus again. Most awkward moment ever.)

Giving Your Life’s Account

| Rexburg, ID, USA | At The Checkout, Bizarre, Theme Of The Month

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. I am [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to cancel my account.”

(Everything is going normal until I tell him he is cancelled. Normally I ask if there’s anything else, the customer says “no” and they hang up. Instead this gentleman begins discussing a pyramid scheme his son is running that he’s been putting money in. He keep telling me details hoping I’ll join. I am creeped out and refusing to provide personal answers while giving non-committal answers. Eventually I realize that he doesn’t care what I say, so I put him on mute.)

Customer: “Yeah, and the government will never help. I know because I’m a veteran. My son is a great businessman. It’s hard to get returns like this! I’ll be a millionaire soon!”

(Eventually…)

Customer: “What time is it?”

Me: “It’s [time].”

Customer: “Well, I should probably go. But I’ll tell my son that I told you about it. What was your name again?”

Me: “It’s [Really Common First Name]. Have a good day, sir.”

Customer: “I will. And thank you for listening to a crazy old man! I don’t have a job any more, so I get really lonely. You have a good day, and find someone so you aren’t lonely!”

Creepiness Just Hit The Motherlode

| DC, USA | Family & Kids, Spouses & Partners, Theme Of The Month

(I have just finished helping a customer complete a change to his wireless plan.)

Customer: “Wow, thank you, [My Name]. You have a nice voice, you know that? How old are you?”

Me: “Well… I’m 26, sir.”

Customer: “Hoo wow, that’s way too young. Is your mom married?”

Me: *kind of chuckling nervously* “Yes. Yes, she is.”

Customer: “… Happily?”

Me: “…”