Not Very Good At Checking His Account

| MT, USA | USA | Extra Stupid, Money

(I work for a bank call center.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [bank]. How may I help you today?”

Customer: “Yea, I tried to f****** withdraw my paycheck out of the ATM, and it won’t let me! You people are crooks! Get me my d*** money!”

(I look into his account and see that the customer has both a checking and a savings. I look at the history of the card, and notice that the savings has about $5, and the checking has about $300. In the card history, I see that he’s been trying to withdraw using the savings account.)

Me: “Sir, I noticed that you have two accounts linked to your debit card. It looks like the savings account was selected at the ATM as the account to withdraw from; are you near an ATM?”

Customer: “Did you f****** fix it yet?! You d*** thieves!”

Me: “Sir, I understand your frustration. If you’re near an ATM, I would be happy to hold on while you try it again. This time, when it asks what account to withdraw from, you need to choose checking rather then savings.”

Customer: “It can’t be that easy! I’m not that stupid!”

Me: “I didn’t say you were stupid; I’m only trying to help. Now please humor me, and try it again if you can.”

(I can hear the customer cursing under his breath about me. I can see on my screen that he makes the withdrawal out of the checking account this time. He then comes back onto the line.)

Customer: “Oh, I guess it was that easy. You people should make it more clearer next time!”

Turning Down Is A Turn Off

| CA, USA | Rude & Risque

Coworker: “Okay, sir… your order is—”

(I can hear a pornographic film being played in the background.)

Coworker: “Okay, I’m going say this and kindly, but bluntly: sir, I can’t hear you over your pornographic film. Can you turn it down a bit?”

Customer: “Wait, you can hear that?”

Coworker: “Yes, sir, it is quite loud. I’m attempting to give you your order number, but—”

Customer: “Oh…”

Coworker: “Yeah.”

Customer: “You like it?”

Coworker: “Uh… no, actually. If you can turn it down a little I’d be—”

Customer: “What?! Are you telling me to turn off my porn?!”

Coworker: “No, sir, I’m not. However, I’m having a hard time talking over the delivery guy with a medium sausage pizza. If you can turn it down a bit, I can give you your—”

Customer: *click*

When Contact Information Is Not Contact Information

| WA, USA | Bizarre, Extra Stupid

Me: “Good morning, this is [my name]!”

Customer: “Yeah, your resolutions team never called me back. I was told you would call me in two business days, and it’s been almost a month!”

Me: “Well, it looks like the resolution team closed out this issue due to lack of communication from the customer.”

Customer: “They never tried to f****** call me! I’d know if they’d tried to call me!”

Me: “I show that a resolution team agent called you on [date], [date], and [date]. Were you out of town maybe?”

Customer: “Did they call [phone number]?”

Me: “Yes, that is the number you provided for contact in the order.”

Customer: “Well, we don’t answer the phone!”

(There is a long silence.)

Me: “I also show that the resolution agent attempted to contact you by email on [date].”

Customer: “Did they send it to [email address]?”

Me: “Yes, that is the contact email listed in the order.”

Customer: “Oh, she doesn’t speak English, so she just deletes everything that’s not in Spanish.”

Me: “So, how were we supposed to contact you since you didn’t provide us with any alternate contact information?”


Speaking American Is A Country Diction In Terms

| USA | Bigotry, Language & Words, Top

(We have one really racist customer who calls in every few hours, and asks ridiculous questions about the employees. When he gets answers he doesn’t like, he hangs up. One of our reps decides she’ll deal with him the next time he calls, so we pass the call along to her. It is slow, so a few of us crowd around to listen.)

Representative: “Thank you for calling [company]; how may I help you?”

Caller: “None of that s***! Before you help me, you have to pass a test. First of all, were you born in the state you live in?”

Representative: “No, sir. Now how may I help you?”

Caller: “That’s strike one. Were you born in the US?”

Representative: “Yes. Is that all?”

Caller: “How long has your family been here?”

Representative: *mischievous smile* “Which side are you inquiring about, sir?”

Caller: “Excuse me?”

Representative: “Well I’m assuming you have at least a rudimentary understanding of genetics. Therefore, unless your parents are brother and sister, you should have two sides to your family.”

Caller: “Who the f*** you think you are, asking me that?”

Representative: “Well, you’re the one who asked an unclear question, sir.”

Caller: “And you ain’t smart enough to know I meant BOTH sides of your family?”

Representative: “Well, sir, to answer your ambiguous question it depends on which part of the family you mean. Both my parents were born in the United States.”

Caller: “What about their parents?”

Representative: “What about them?”


Representative: “Well I really don’t think that’s any of your business, sir.”

Caller: “I want to make sure I’m dealing with a real American, you hear me? Someone who can speak American good, who ain’t some dummy foreigner, and who ain’t none of them [string of racial slurs]!”

Representative: “Sir, as someone who majored in language and literature in college, I can guarantee you that I probably speak English better than you do.”

Caller: “That ain’t good enough! I said American! Not English!”

Representative: “You do realize that American is a vernacular of English?”

Caller: “What’s that?”

Representative: “Why don’t you get a dictionary, and look it up? While you’re at it, look up ‘inbred’ and ‘bigot’, and call back when you figure out why I suggested it.” *hangs up*

Fix The Phone And Call It Square

| Belfast, Northern Ireland, UK | Technology

Customer: “Hello, hello! My phone’s gone berserk!”

Me: “Can you be a bit more precise?”

Customer: “It’s totally berserk!”

Me: “I’ll need something more specific. Is it in Greek? Will it switch on?”

Customer: “My apps are all up the left!”

Me: “Press the big rectangle button at the bottom. Have you got the picture in the background?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Now, what do you do to go berserk?”

Customer: “Go to the apps.”

Me: “Do that now. What do you see?”

Customer: “It’s like I’m going shopping!”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “It’s like my shopping list!”

Me: “What does the list say?”

Customer: “Milk, eggs, yoghurt, potatoes—”

Me: “—no. What does the list on the phone say?”

Customer: “Settings, Internet, Facebook… oh, Allshare! I haven’t seen that before.”

Me: “What was it like before?”

Customer: “Squares! I had loads of squares!”

Me: “Do you want the squares back again?”

Customer: “Yes! Give me back my squares!”

Me: “Okay. Your apps have changed from a grid to a list. Do you see the little button to the left of the home button?”

Customer: “It says ‘Grid View’.”

Me: “Press ‘Grid View’.”

Customer: “Thank you, thank you! You gave me my squares back again!”

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