When Contact Information Is Not Contact Information

| WA, USA | Bizarre, Extra Stupid

Me: “Good morning, this is [my name]!”

Customer: “Yeah, your resolutions team never called me back. I was told you would call me in two business days, and it’s been almost a month!”

Me: “Well, it looks like the resolution team closed out this issue due to lack of communication from the customer.”

Customer: “They never tried to f****** call me! I’d know if they’d tried to call me!”

Me: “I show that a resolution team agent called you on [date], [date], and [date]. Were you out of town maybe?”

Customer: “Did they call [phone number]?”

Me: “Yes, that is the number you provided for contact in the order.”

Customer: “Well, we don’t answer the phone!”

(There is a long silence.)

Me: “I also show that the resolution agent attempted to contact you by email on [date].”

Customer: “Did they send it to [email address]?”

Me: “Yes, that is the contact email listed in the order.”

Customer: “Oh, she doesn’t speak English, so she just deletes everything that’s not in Spanish.”

Me: “So, how were we supposed to contact you since you didn’t provide us with any alternate contact information?”

*click*

Speaking American Is A Country Diction In Terms

| USA | Bigotry, Language & Words, Top

(We have one really racist customer who calls in every few hours, and asks ridiculous questions about the employees. When he gets answers he doesn’t like, he hangs up. One of our reps decides she’ll deal with him the next time he calls, so we pass the call along to her. It is slow, so a few of us crowd around to listen.)

Representative: “Thank you for calling [company]; how may I help you?”

Caller: “None of that s***! Before you help me, you have to pass a test. First of all, were you born in the state you live in?”

Representative: “No, sir. Now how may I help you?”

Caller: “That’s strike one. Were you born in the US?”

Representative: “Yes. Is that all?”

Caller: “How long has your family been here?”

Representative: *mischievous smile* “Which side are you inquiring about, sir?”

Caller: “Excuse me?”

Representative: “Well I’m assuming you have at least a rudimentary understanding of genetics. Therefore, unless your parents are brother and sister, you should have two sides to your family.”

Caller: “Who the f*** you think you are, asking me that?”

Representative: “Well, you’re the one who asked an unclear question, sir.”

Caller: “And you ain’t smart enough to know I meant BOTH sides of your family?”

Representative: “Well, sir, to answer your ambiguous question it depends on which part of the family you mean. Both my parents were born in the United States.”

Caller: “What about their parents?”

Representative: “What about them?”

Caller: “YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!”

Representative: “Well I really don’t think that’s any of your business, sir.”

Caller: “I want to make sure I’m dealing with a real American, you hear me? Someone who can speak American good, who ain’t some dummy foreigner, and who ain’t none of them [string of racial slurs]!”

Representative: “Sir, as someone who majored in language and literature in college, I can guarantee you that I probably speak English better than you do.”

Caller: “That ain’t good enough! I said American! Not English!”

Representative: “You do realize that American is a vernacular of English?”

Caller: “What’s that?”

Representative: “Why don’t you get a dictionary, and look it up? While you’re at it, look up ‘inbred’ and ‘bigot’, and call back when you figure out why I suggested it.” *hangs up*

Fix The Phone And Call It Square

| Belfast, Northern Ireland, UK | Technology

Customer: “Hello, hello! My phone’s gone berserk!”

Me: “Can you be a bit more precise?”

Customer: “It’s totally berserk!”

Me: “I’ll need something more specific. Is it in Greek? Will it switch on?”

Customer: “My apps are all up the left!”

Me: “Press the big rectangle button at the bottom. Have you got the picture in the background?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Now, what do you do to go berserk?”

Customer: “Go to the apps.”

Me: “Do that now. What do you see?”

Customer: “It’s like I’m going shopping!”

Me: “Sorry?”

Customer: “It’s like my shopping list!”

Me: “What does the list say?”

Customer: “Milk, eggs, yoghurt, potatoes—”

Me: “—no. What does the list on the phone say?”

Customer: “Settings, Internet, Facebook… oh, Allshare! I haven’t seen that before.”

Me: “What was it like before?”

Customer: “Squares! I had loads of squares!”

Me: “Do you want the squares back again?”

Customer: “Yes! Give me back my squares!”

Me: “Okay. Your apps have changed from a grid to a list. Do you see the little button to the left of the home button?”

Customer: “It says ‘Grid View’.”

Me: “Press ‘Grid View’.”

Customer: “Thank you, thank you! You gave me my squares back again!”

No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 6

| Buenos Aires, Argentina | Geography

(I work at a tech support call center that works with employees in the USA.)

User: “…and where are you guys located?”

Me: “Buenos Aires, Argentina.”

User:Really? That far?”

Me: “Yeah… it is pretty far from the US, isn’t it?”

User: “And what’s the weather like today over there?”

Me: “Well, it has been really cold all week. Today it was 32 F when I left home.”

User: “And it is that cold during the summer?!”

Me: “Um… no, actually, it’s not summer over here; it’s winter. We are all the way at the south.”

User: “What do you mean it’s winter there? Are you serious?”

Me: “Yes, when it’s summer in the north, it’s winter in the south of the world, and vice versa.”

User: “For real? Are you sure?”

Me: “Yes, very much indeed. It is winter here.”

User: “Well… I guess you might be right.”

(The user remains silent for a few seconds.)

User: “But… when do you have Christmas?!”

Related:
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 5
No Aptitude Vocation For Location, Part 2
No Aptitude For Latitude, Part 2
No Vocation For Location
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 4
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 3
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 2
No Fortitude For Longitude
No Aptitude For Latitude

I’m Afraid I Can’t Allow You To Speak To Dave

| Manchester, England, UK | Bad Behavior, Crazy Requests, Liars & Scammers

(I work in the debt recovery department of a national mail order company. The department is small, and the only white men are our senior managers, neither of whom are connected to the telephone system in any way. All the other men are Asian, and have traditional Asian names. I am female, and have quite a high-pitched voice. About half an hour after dealing with a perfectly nice, male customer, he calls back and gets me again.)

Me: “Hello, sir! You’re speaking to [My Name] again. How can I help you?”

Customer: *yelling* “I was talking to Dave earlier, and he’s completely f***** everything up!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir; you must be mistaken. You spoke to me earlier, and your payment plan was sorted out. We agreed to—”

Customer: “I’ve never spoken to you! I spoke to Dave! I want you to transfer me to him so he can sort this s*** out!”

Me: “Sir, please refrain from swearing. I can assure you, you did not speak to ‘Dave.’ There is no one here by that name. You spoke to me at [time] this afternoon.”

Customer: “Are you calling me a f****** liar?”

Me: “Sir, please stop using language like that, otherwise I will have to terminate this call. I think you might be mistaking us for another company you may have called today. Not only is there no-one called ‘Dave,’ but my user ID is the only one to access your account in the last month, and I recall speaking to you earlier.”

(The customer starts screaming so loud, I turn the volume down on my headset. My colleagues are getting distracted by the noise, and even my manager is peering over at me. Eventually he stops for breath.)

Me: “Sir, there is no point in me lying to you, as you clearly don’t believe me. Why would I make my life and yours difficult by continuing to ‘lie’ to you? Also, the idea that I could be mistaken for a man is… Well, I don’t even…”

(At this point, my colleagues are all either laughing, or trying not to because they’re on the phone to other customers. My manager’s eyes have gone wide.)

Manager: “Hang up, and I’ll call him back.”

(I do as I’m told. Two minutes later, my manager comes over, grinning widely.)

Manager: “He admitted straight away he might have been wrong, and paid up.”

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