Big Brother Is A Big Bother

| FL, USA | Crazy Requests, Extra Stupid, Politics, Technology

(Our company sells high-tech gadgets for use with RC planes and helicopters, such as GPS locators and infrared sensors.)

Customer: “Hello. I’m trying to order your GPS unit, but I don’t want to put my credit card number online.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I don’t have a way to take a credit card order over the phone. The only thing I could do is bring up the website and enter it there myself.”

Customer: “Well, I’m not putting my credit card number out on the Internet!”

Me: “Sir, I can assure you that entering your credit card information on our encrypted website is much more secure than reading it off to me over the telephone. But we also take PayPal, if you don’t want to involve your credit card at all.”

Customer: *grumbling* “Okay.” *hangs up*

Coworker: *overhearing the conversation* “Did someone have a security issue with the website?”

Me: “No, he just wants military satellites to be able to track his model airplane’s precise location… but he’s afraid of e-commerce.”

Honesty Unplugged

| Winnipeg, MB, Canada | Extra Stupid, Technology

Caller: “Hello, my— Oh, s***, wait. Never mind, I forgot to plug it in. I swear I’m getting dumber every year.” *click*

Me: “… Well, all right, then.”

(Wrong numbers notwithstanding, that was the shortest call of my career.)

Their Service Is Undead

, | San Antonio, TX, USA | Awesome Customers, Geeks Rule, Technology, Zombies

(The customer is calling us to let her know her services are out.)

Me: “Aha. It looks like the network box for the house just lost contact with us. There isn’t anything in its logs showing us the power went out, so I think we should be all right.”

Caller: “Oh, okay. What causes that, anyway?”

Me: “It could be any number of things. Short-term loss of power, the box gets a quick enough surge of power to confuse it—”

Caller: “Aliens?”

Me: “I’m not ruling that out either. That reminds me. I need to pick up some foil on the way home. Thanks.”

(The caller and everyone on her end of the call burst out laughing at that. We continue on, and we’re setting the ticket up.)

Me: “Okay, I’ve got the green light to send the tech out tomorrow morning.”

Caller: “Hang on a second. I’ll put my friend on. She’ll be here tomorrow to meet the tech.”

(The caller puts her friend on the line. I get her contact info and add it to the ticket.)

Me: “Are there any access restrictions like dogs on the property, a locked fence, anything like that?”

Friend: “I think there might be zombies in the yard. Is that going to be a problem? I think she’s also got a vampire stalking her that might be in her yard.”

Me: “Don’t worry. Our techs have everything they need on their truck to handle anything. About the vampires: they should have some stakes and garlic on the truck, unless it’s a Twilight-type vampire in which case they have whiskey and a Motorhead CD just in case.”

(The caller and her friend start laughing even harder. I submit the appointment.)

Me: “Ma’am, I want to thank you both for choosing [Provider]. We look forward to seeing you tomorrow. On a side note, this call just made my night. Thanks, you two.”