Very Hard Drive

, | Lexington, KY, USA | Working | January 31, 2015

(I worked the support line for a large PC company. One night a woman calls in who has the breathiest, sexiest voice I’d ever heard and she is relaying my instructions to her boyfriend. I mute my phone and grab my friend.)

Me: “[Coworker]! I need your help!”

(Coworker plugs her headset into my phone.)

Me: *unmuting* “Okay, ma’am, let’s boot into safe mode and see where the problem is. Press F9 over and over as fast as you can.”

Customer: *to her boyfriend* “Ohhhh, baby, you gotta go faster! Hit it faster, baby! FASTER!”

(Coworker’s eyes go wide and stifles a giggle.)

Coworker: “Holy s****, [My Name], what did you drag me into?”

Me: “Are you kidding? When I tell this story later no one would believe it if I didn’t have a witness.”

(Coworker started to protest but stopped and gave the ‘good point’ acceptance nod. Sure enough for the rest of the night our whole floor went to her to confirm my ‘porncall’ story wasn’t made up.)

Questioning Your Security Methods

| CA, USA | Working | January 30, 2015

(A few years ago I called into a customer service center to alter service on my account.)

Representative: “How may I help you?”

Me: “I’d like to remove [service] from my account as I’m not using it anymore.”

Representative: “Sure thing. Can I get your account number?”

Me: “[Account number].”

Representative: “And your name?”

Me: “[My Name].”

Representative: “Great. Now to verify your identity, can you please tell me your security question?”

Me: “…excuse me?”

Representative: “Can you please provide me with your security question?”

Me: “I don’t know my security question. You’re supposed to provide me the question so I can answer it.”

Representative: “I’m sorry, sir, but we need you to provide your security question in order to verify your identity before I can continue.”

Me: “But that makes no sense. Nobody makes a customer memorize the question, only the answer. There are countless possible questions each company can ask, and I can’t be expected to memorize both the question AND the answer.”

Representative: “Sir, if you can’t provide me the security question to verify your identity, I’ll have to terminate this call.”

Me: “I’ll save you the trouble.”

(I called back a few minutes later and got a different rep who understood how security questions work.)

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Was Dying The First Time

| Hampton, VA, USA | Right | January 29, 2015

(I am working in a call center that takes calls for 800 numbers people see on psychic hotline commercials. The deal is we tell you the cost and then give the actual 900 number.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Psychic Line].”

Caller: “Help! I spilled my fish bowl on the bed and my fish is dying! He’s just flopping around! What do I do?”

Me: “Umm… what?”

Caller: “My fish is dying! What do I do?”

Me: “Put him in another bowl?”

Caller: “Thank you! This will save him!” *laughs* “Sorry, man, just thought you might be able to use a laugh tonight.”

Me: “Yeah, always appreciate that. Have a good one.”

(Two calls later:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Psychic Line].”

Caller: “Help! I spilled my fish bowl and my fish is dying!”

Me: “Dude, it’s me again.”

Caller: “Oh, hey, isn’t that funny.”

Naked And Unafraid

| Enschede, The Netherlands | Right | January 29, 2015

(We get a lot of ‘dirty’ calls because it is a toll-free number. This one guy is a ‘regular.’)

Me: “Good morning, this is [Company]. [My Name] speaking.”

Customer: *heavy breathing* “So… what colour undies are you wearing?”

Me: “Sir, it’s Monday. On Monday we don’t wear clothes. It’s policy.”

(I disconnect the call, smiling at the man’s stunned silence. One minute late my coworker gets a call. All I hear is:)

Coworker: “Oh, naked sir. It’s Monday after all!”

(He hung up and we had a good laugh about it.)

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Just Realised How That Sounded

| WI, USA | Working | January 27, 2015

(I was mute for three years due to functional dysphonia. Because most of my employment history was as an agent in various call centers, it was tough finding a job during that time. Fortunately, I was able to land a job as a QA specialist at a call center which required only listening and typing, not talking. At one point the building maintenance guys are doing something to the wiring in our building, and the phone at my desk, which shouldn’t have even been connected, starts ringing.)

Me: *instant-messaging a manager* “My phone rang!”

Manager: “It can’t ring. Yours isn’t even connected.”

Me: “But it’s ringing!”

Manager: “So answer it.”

Me: “How?”

Manager: “What do you mean ‘how’? Just pick up the phone and t— Never mind.”

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