Not Addressing The Problem

| MN, USA | Crazy Requests, Technology

(A customer calls in to report problems with their cell phone. I’ve determined it is a network issue.)

Me: “So, I will just need to know the location where you are so that I can tell the technician.”

Customer: “What? I’m not giving you the address! That’s not my job! I just need you to come out and fix it. It’s in Chicago.”

Me: “Well, in order for our techs to know what tower to fix, they need to know where you are having the issues. Without an address, I can’t put in the ticket.”

Customer: “No! I am not giving you the address! I am so sick and tired of this stuff! I had the same problem with [other provider]! You don’t need an address to fix it; you just don’t want to help!”

Me: “I do want to help, which is why I need an address. Even if the system would let me put the ticket in without an address, you’d then be waiting for months for a resolution while we check every tower in Chicago. In order to help, I need to know where to send my techs.”

Customer: “This is outrageous! I have a business to run! I don’t have time for this s***!”

Me: “It looks like you have a water-sprinkler company. If one of your customers reported a problem with a pipe you laid, would you go around the entire city checking every pipe, or would you require that customer to give you an address to assist?”

Customer: *huffs* “That is not the same thing, and you know it! Now get someone out here immediately!”

Red (Light) Flagged Caller

| Cork, Ireland | Hotels & Lodging, Rude & Risque, Theme Of The Month, Tourists/Travel

(I work in one of several worldwide call-centers, taking new reservations and changes/requests to existing reservations with a major luxury hotel chain. Customers often think we are at the hotel they are calling, because we greet them using the hotel name.)

Me: “Good morning! Thank you for calling [hotel located in Amsterdam]. How may I help you today?”

Guest: “Hi. I have a reservation for next week for two nights in your hotel. I am flying in from New York and have a two-day layover there in Amsterdam, and I basically just have a few questions.”

Me: “Certainly, sir, I’ll answer those for you.”

Guest: “Okay. So, I have a room booked for myself for those two nights. Is the rate any different if someone else is staying in the room with me?”

Me: “No, not at all. Not unless you have booked a breakfast rate. If breakfast is included, the rate is €10 higher, if you are both having breakfast.”

Guest: “Okay good. They won’t be having breakfast.”

Me: “They? The room is a two-person maximum, sir. If you want more people in there, you have to book a larger room.”

Guest: “Well, that’s my second question: is it a problem if there are two different people joining me on the two different nights?”

Me: “Oh… no, as long as it just one on each night, then the rate is still the same. Do you have any other questions?”

Guest: “Yeah… how far are you guys from the red light district?”

Me: “Um… we are about half a mile away, sir.”

Guest: “And is it safe walking between the hotel and the district? You know where I am going with this right?”

Me: “Yes. I think I have pretty good idea, sir. There should be no issue walking between us and the district, sir. Otherwise our concierge can arrange a cab for you. Any further questions?”

Guest: “No, I think that’s all. Thank you so much for your help! Have a great day!”

(The call ends, and my coworker turns to me.)

Coworker: “Another ‘John’ going to Amsterdam?”

Me: “Yup.”

Has The Drive To Cheat And Lie

| Melbourne, VIC, Australia | Crazy Requests, Liars & Scammers, Love/Romance

(I work in a car insurance call center.)

Customer: “Oh, the policy isn’t in my name.”

Me: “May I speak to the policy holder to get permission to speak to you and add you to the policy?”

Customer: “No, she’s not speaking to me.”

Me: “Okay, well that just means I am unable to give you any information or make any changes for you at this point of time.”

Customer: “But it’s my car! She just took me off all the policies after I cheated on her.”

(I have no idea what to say.)

Customer: “Never mind, I’ll just call back and pretend I’m her.” *click*

The Code Has Three ‘X’s In It

, | USA | Rude & Risque

(I’ve been on the phone for a good ten minutes at this point with a woman in her late 80s who has a strong Southern accent. She has been extremely prim and proper for the entire call.)

Me: “And do you have the offer code?”

Caller: “Offer code? What’s that, dear?”

Me: “It should be printed on the order form near where your name is located.”

Caller: “One moment. Oh, I found it!”

Me: *waits*

Caller: *silence*

Me: “Ma’am, may I have the code please?”

Caller: “Oh, of course, sweetie. It’s F as in ‘f***.’ D as in ‘d***.’ A as in ‘a**.'”

(The caller pauses before continuing, suddenly sounding very smug.)

Caller: “All of which I enjoy a great deal when it comes to my men.”

(I still have no idea how I managed to hold in my laughter until after I finished placing her order.)

Rent Is More Important

, | New York, NY, USA | Crazy Requests, Musical Mayhem

Me: “Good afternoon, ticket central.”

Customer: “Your website is the worst.”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way, ma’am. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want help.”

Me: “Clearly. Would you like me to help you purchase tickets to a specific show?”

Customer: “Yes. I guess.”

Me: “What play?”


Me: “I apologize, ma’am. The entire run of Belleville is sold-out.”

Customer: “No it isn’t.”

Me: “Yes. It is.”

Customer: “Says who?”

Me: “Says me.”


Me: “Ma’am, there’s nothing I can do. The play is sold-out, and I would suggest that you calm down as tickets to an off-Broadway play aren’t nearly as important as things like a roof over one’s head or food on one’s table.”

Customer: “MAYBE FOR YOU!” *click*

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