Directionless Call, Part 3

| Vancouver, BC, Canada | Extra Stupid, Technology, Transportation

Me: “Hi there, [Company Name], [My Name] speaking; how can I help you?”

Customer: “I need some information about my GPS; can you transfer me?”

Me: “Well what kind of information are you looking for?”

Customer: “Oh, can you help me? It’s a little embarrassing.”

Me: “That’s okay; I’ll do my best.”

Customer: “Okay, you know when you turn it on and it loads up and there’s a map?”

Me: “Yeah.”

Customer: “Well, there’s this little arrow that’s pointing, and I don’t know where it’s pointing to. It’s not pointing north; it’s just all over the place.”

Me: “Is it pointing the direction you’re facing?”

Customer: “What? No. I mean it’s just pointing. I’ve looked up tutorials online and everything. No one seems to have this issue.”

Me: “Is it pointing off the edge of the screen? Have you entered a destination?”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Okay, does the arrow spin when you turn around?”

Customer: “Yes! I don’t understand!”

Me: “Well then, it’s telling you what direction you’re facing.”

Customer: “What? I don’t understand.”

Me: “Let’s see. How can I explain this? If you were at a crossroad—”

Customer: “No, you don’t understand! I’m in my living room and it’s pointing due east!”

Me: “Are you facing due east?”

Customer: “Oh, why yes I am! Thank you so much! You have a nice day now.”

Related:
Directionless Call, Part 2
Directionless Call

It’s What Grammy Would Have Wanted

| Bristol County, MA, USA | Family & Kids, Liars & Scammers, Theme Of The Month, Tourists/Travel

(I work for a call center that handles hotel reservations. We get a lot of people who are worried about canceling and being hit with a penalty.)

Guest: “Hi, I’m calling to cancel my reservation for the Bahamas. My grandmother passed away, and my family wants us to be close for the funeral.”

Me: “I’m so sorry; I completely understand and I will definitely see what I can do to help.”

Guest: “Well… I don’t think I’m within the cancel deadline; can you waive the penalty considering the circumstance? It’s just a really bad time in my life right now, and I want to be close to the family in California. Do I really have to pay the few hundred dollar charge?”

(I check his reservation, and he’s well within the cancel policy.)

Me: “Sir, you’re not past the deadline. There was a charge taken, but you technically still have a couple days to cancel. There’s no penalty and the charged amount will be refunded.”

Guest: “Fantastic!! In that case, can I re-book for Aruba?”

Me: “…I’m sorry? For the same dates?”

Guest: “Yeah!”

(The guest pauses, and realizes he has outed himself.)

Guest: “…so I’m, you know, closer…”

Straight-Talking Money

| Spokane, WA, USA | Bigotry, Crazy Requests, Money

(I am working the queue for a regional bank, when an absolutely furious customer calls in.)

Caller: “I want to cancel my account RIGHT NOW!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am. Can I get some information from you to pull up your account?”

Caller: “Let me tell you WHY I am canceling my account. I went down to my branch today and do you know who you have working for you? A god-d*** [homophobic slur]. I refuse to do business with a bank who hires such immoral abominations against God! If you want to keep my business, you’ll have that flaming f** fired ASAP!”

Me: “Ma’am, the federal law states we cannot discriminate against a person’s sexual preference. So, no, we will not fire him simply because he is a homosexual. Secondly, in order to close your account, you’ll need to go down to your local branch. There are some documents the law requires you to sign.”

Caller: “This is bull-s***! Who do I talk to at the branch?”

Me: “You’d speak to the manager… the gay manager. He’s the only one who can close your account.”

Pen-ding Emergency

| Canada | Crazy Requests, Pets & Animals

(I work at a call center for an oil and gas company.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company] emergency line. Are you reporting an emergency?”

Caller: “Yes, very urgent.”

Me: “Alright, I’ll just need to gather some details in case we are disconnected. May I please have your first and last name?”

Caller: *angry* “You don’t need my name!”

Me: “Not a problem; may I please have your telephone number with area code?”

Caller: “No! You don’t need that either. Just f****** help me!”

Me: “Alright, ma’am, what is nature of the emergency?”

Caller: “My pen broke. I need a new one right now.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am; this is an oil and gas emergency line. We’d be unable to assist with getting you a new pen.”

Caller: “No, f*** you! You gave me this pen last week and it broke already. How am I supposed to play with my cat now?”

Me: “I’m sorry; this is an emergency line. I can provide you the main office number where they may be able to locate you a new pen.”

Caller: “Are you serious? I can’t play with my cat and you don’t think this is an emergency?”

Me: “No, ma’am, this issue would not be considered an emergency.”

Caller: “Well f*** you then. I hope you’re happy; you’ve killed my cat!” *slams down the receiver*

Socket To Him

, | IA, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

(I take calls from customers about billing and any cable troubleshooting.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Cable Company]; how can I help you?”

Customer: “Your cable has blown up my TV! All I have is a black screen. The TV won’t even turn on. Your equipment is cheap, and you’re a bad cable company!”

Me: “Sir, let me see if I can help you.”

Customer: “I don’t think so; you are all stupid!”

Me: “I don’t see any outage reported in your area. Can you tell if your cable box has any lights on it?”

Customer: “Yes, it has a red and yellow one. But you have blown up my f****** TV! You’ll have to pay for it.”

Me: “Sir, can I have you pick up the remote and push the TV button, and then the power button?”

(Note: If the TV is just turned off, this will turn it on.)

Customer: “Nothing, I still have a black screen. This is a new TV. I spent good money on it!”

Me: “I understand, sir. Let’s start with simple things and work our way up so maybe we won’t have to send a tech out.”

Customer: “You’ll have to pay for my TV; that’s what you’ll do!”

Me: “Are there any kind of lights or buttons lit up on your TV?”

Customer: “No, you blew it up.”

Me: “Can I have you just check to make sure it is still plugged in?”

Customer: “I never unplugged it; of course it’s plugged in. But if it will make you happy…”

(He sets the phone down and I hear him swearing in the background and the TV come on.)

Customer: “Forget it. I’ll… fix it myself.” *click*

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