Singing To A Different Scripted Tune

| UK | Musical Mayhem

(I ring up my phone network provider to get my mobile phone contract renegotiated. Thanks to regulations in the UK, call center staff are told they must repeat themselves over and over again so the consumer understands what they’re signing up to. I get a little bored after hearing the same script for the fifth time.)

Employee: “So, you understand that you’ll be getting 600 minutes—”


Employee: “1 gig of data—”


Employee: “You have the right to—”


Employee: “Contact us at any time if—”

Me: “Do you ever feel like you’re repeating yourself? I’m sure I’ve heard this 12 times already.”

Employee: “You have no idea.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll just keep singing then.”

Bashing The Button Basher

| TX, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

(A 20-something calls in with the very common problem of their TV showing a blank screen. I’m second-level tech support, meaning they’ve already spoken to someone who either concluded their problem was serious, or simply gave up attempting to assist them.)

Me: “Press the red button at the very top of your remote.”

Caller: “Umm… uh… What’s a button?”

Me: “Do you want to think about what you just asked for a moment?”

Caller: “Umm, yeah, what’s a button?”

Me: “Those little round things that make stuff happen when you push them.”

Caller: “Oh, it worked! What was wrong?”

Me: “Your TV was turned off.”

Canada’s Net Worth

| Edmonton, AB, Canada | Canada, Geography, Technology

(I work in a Canadian call centre that is contracted by an American cable internet company. Therefore all my customers are American.)

Client: *after the issue is resolved* “I can’t place your accent. Where am I calling? Are you in India?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I’m in Edmonton, Alberta. That’s in Canada.”

Client: “Canada? Really?”

Me: “Yes.”

Client: “Do they even have cable internet up there?”

Me: *pausing to swallow incredulity* “Yes, ma’am, we do. In fact, we actually have had cable internet for a bit longer than most US markets.”

Client: “Oh, well, I don’t know nothin’ about Canada. I thought it was a third-world country or something.”

Make Appoint To Forget

, | Los Angeles, CA, USA | Health & Body

Me: “Thank you for calling [Hospital]; how can I help you?”

Patient: “I need to cancel an appointment I have today.”

Me: “All right, let’s verify your information and then we’ll look at the appointment.”

(As the patient verifies everything, I note he is 25 years old, the appointment is urgent, and was made earlier that day. He has already spoken to a nurse as well.)

Me: “Okay. I see the appointment with [Doctor] at [time], and you want me to cancel it?”

Patient: “Yes. Oh, and can you tell me what the appointment was for? I can’t remember.”

(I hover over the cancel button as I tell the patient.)

Me: “Sir, it is for forgetfulness. Are you sure you want to cancel?”

Patient: *silent for a moment* “Yes, go ahead and cancel it.”

Fraud-ian Slip

, | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Liars & Scammers, Top

(I work in a call center as a fraud specialist. It is not uncommon to get calls from people trying to contest escort or porn charges as fraud when they’re really not.)

Caller: “I have a charge on here for over five grand. I didn’t charge that; it’s fraud.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear it. I can help with that.”

(I pull up the charge, and see another charge for a tow truck and parking ticket in the same state the other charges was made.)

Me: “I see here that the charge is for an escort service. The physical card was present, as well. You have not been traveling, is that correct?”

Caller: “That’s right, and I have my credit card, too.”

Me: “Sir, thank you for the information. Please hold while I get more information on this merchant.”

(While the caller is holding, I call the merchant directly. I already know he’s lying, but I have to prove it without calling him a liar. The merchant was not at all surprised, and was delighted to provide me with a copy of his driver’s license and imprint of the card with signature on the sales draft. Not only that, but they even give me the name and room number of the hotel he stayed in when he used their escort service.)

Me: “Sir, thank you for holding. I found out more about the charge. But I want to go over your last valid charges. Did you recently get a ticket or paid for towing service?”

Caller: “Yeah, that charge is okay.”

Me: “Sir, that charge shows the card was swiped, which means you were in that state, right?”

Caller: “Uh… yeah…”

Me: “And did you stay at [Hotel], room 2058?”

Caller: “Yeah…”

Me: “Sir, I contacted the merchant and they verified all of your information, and even offered to send a copy of your driver’s license and signature. It’s because of that we can’t accept this charge as fraud.”

Caller: “So what am I supposed to do?”

Me: “Don’t worry, sir; you still have options. You may still be able to dispute the charge as a billing dispute in the event that you didn’t receive any products or services, or the services were not as agreed upon, or you can contact the merchant directly. Were you not satisfied with the services you received?”

Caller: *click*

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