Talking To Private Line

| OH, USA | Bizarre, Military

(I am a customer service representative for a big phone company.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Phone Company]! My name is [Name]! Is the phone number you’re calling in reference to [Phone Number]?

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Great! And how can I assist you today?”

Caller: “I am just calling to warn you. I have an army ready to take down [Phone Company].”

Me: “Uhm… okay. I’m sorry? Is there a problem I can help you resolve?”

Caller: “No! I don’t want your help. I know how you people are. You’re all after one thing. Money. You’ve charged my bill like crazy. ON. PURPOSE. We are going to take you down!”

Me: “I’m sorry that you’re having a billing issue sir. I’m sure I can fix it for you. I’m taking a look at your bill right now—”

Caller: “I don’t want your help! I have friends in the government!”

Me: “Sir, I’m not sure what the issue is. What can I do to help you?”

Caller: “Tell your boss. And your boss’s boss. I’m going to take you down! You think you can cheat me!?”

Me: “No… sir?”

Caller: *hangs up*

Why Skynet Annihilated Mankind, Vol. 2

| Charleston, SC, USA | Extra Stupid, Technology

(I work at a call center for a large car rental company, booking rentals and providing customer service. I’ve been told my voice is very robotic.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Business] Car Rentals. My name is [First Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller #1: “I’d like to book a rental.”

Me: “When and where would you like to pick up your rental?”

Caller #1: “I’d like to speak to a person.”

Me: “Sir, I am a person.”

Caller #1: “No, you’re the answering machine. Connect me to a person.”

Me: “No, sir. I am a real person. My name is [First Name].”

Caller #1: “STOP LYING TO ME, ROBOT!”

(The caller hangs up. Five minutes pass and my next call comes in.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Business] Car Rentals. My name is [First Name]. How may I help you?”

Caller #2: “Speak to an agent.”

Me: “I am an agent, sir. Would you like to schedule a booking?”

Customer #2: “Oh, wow! You sound exactly like the voice on the menus!”

Related:
Why Skynet Annihilated Mankind, Vol 1

Canada: America’s Hat, Part 8

| Halifax, NS, Canada | Canada, Extra Stupid, Geography

(I work in a call center dealing with Americans and insurance claims. A caller calls from Washington state.)

Caller: “Where am I calling to?”

Me: “That would be Halifax, Nova Scotia, sir.”

Caller: “Where’s that?”

Me: “That’s in Canada, sir.”

Caller: “Whoa… so that’s like a foreign country?”

Me: “Yes, sir, we’re located above the US.”

Caller: “Really? You learn something new every day!”

(After the call ends…)

Supervisor: “You should have told him Nova Scotia and Canada were suburbs of New York.”

Related:
Canada: America’s Hat, Part 7
Canada: America’s Hat, Part 6
Canada: America’s Hat, Part 5
Canada: America’s Hat, Part 4
Canada: America’s Hat, Part 3
Canada: America’s Hat, Part 2
Canada: America’s Hat

A Blockhead’s Calling

| OR, USA | Bad Behavior, Bigotry, Technology

(I am working in a call center providing customer care support for a major wireless provider.)

Me: “Thank you for being the best part of [Company]. My name is [Name]. With whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with this evening?”

Caller: “[Caller’s Name].”

Me: “Alright, and I see that you’ve already verified through our automated system. Thank you very much for that. And what can I help you with tonight?”

Caller: “I want to know how to block calls.”

Me: “Alright, I can certainly help you out with that. I see here that you’re using an iPhone 4s; iOS 7 has the—

Caller: “No, I just want to block calls. I keep getting texts from someone who apparently knew whoever had this number before me, and they won’t stop. I just want to block the messages.”

Me: “I understand that, sir, and I was just trying to go over all your options for doing so. As I was saying, iOS 7 has the built-in ability to block calls. Alternatively, our block-call feature has the ability to block calls. That normally costs $4.99 a month, but there is a 90 day free trial for that.”

Caller: “You mean you charge me nine-f********-ninety-nine to f****** block calls?!?”

Me: “Well, sir, that was $4.99, but yes, that is a feature we do charge for.”

Caller: “Is there a supervisor I can speak to?”

Me: “I can certainly get you our next level of support, but I’ll need to place you on a brief hold while I get them on the line.”

Caller: “You do that.”

(Before I can place him on hold, he decides to make a comment to someone in the background, without moving the phone away.)

Caller: “Stupid f****** hick must be real happy with his f****** call center job.”

(I decide to respond in the most polite tone I can muster.)

Me: “Well, sir, I wouldn’t say I enjoy it, but it does pay the bills. Let me put you on that hold, now, so I can get you our next level support.”

(The caller hung up before I could get a manager on the line, and he didn’t answer when the manager tried to call him back. I can’t imagine why…)

Condomning Consoling Behavior

| ID, USA | Bizarre, Rude & Risque, Technology, Theme Of The Month

(I work support for a well-known gaming system. It’s Super Bowl Sunday, and it’s very slow due to everybody watching the game. However, we are getting plenty of prank calls.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Game Company]. My name is [Name]. How can I help you today?”

(Note: the caller sounds like he is 13 years old at the most.)

Caller: “Uh, yeah. How do I put on a condom?”

Me: “Um, this is [Game Console] tech support. I can only help with [Game Console]-related questions. Is there anything I can help you with today?”

Caller: “Well, you see, I wanted to have sex with my [Game Console], but I didn’t want to get it pregnant, so that’s why I need to know how to put on a condom.”

Me: “Okay, sir, I guess you’d be happy to know that it is only a machine and therefore cannot get pregnant.”

Caller: “Aw, sweet!”

Me: “But I do need to point out that any liquid damage due to any related activities would void the warranty, and our technicians would not be able to accept it for any future repairs.”

Caller: *click*

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