My Internet Has Gone All Adava Kedavra

| Brooklyn, NY, USA | Working | August 31, 2015

(I recently moved across the country from California to New York. I’ve filed a move request with my ISP but don’t have an Internet connection when I arrive in my new apartment, so I call them up to try to resolve this. After giving them all my information, they explain the problem.)

Customer Service #1: “Okay, so I’m looking at your order here. I see that two weeks ago you opened a new account with us.”

Me: “Well, I moved. Does that count as a new account?”

Customer Service #1: “Well, you can process it like that, or just as a move. It’s up to you.”

Me: “I don’t care how it’s done; I just want to get online in my new apartment.”

Customer Service #1: “You should be online as of yesterday. Have you tried restarting your router?”

Me: “Yes, and my computer. There’s no connection.”

Customer Service #1: “Well, something MUST be wrong on your end, because I see here that we started Internet service at [California address] yesterday.”

Me: “No, that’s my OLD address. I don’t live there any more.”

Customer Service #1: “Uhh… hold on.”

Customer Service #2: “Hello, my name is [Name]. Unfortunately, ma’am, we can’t turn your Internet service on at [California address] because you have yet to pass a credit check.”

Me: “Huh? I already passed that when I first got my connection, and I don’t live there anymore!”

Customer Service #2: “It doesn’t matter if you don’t live there. You still need to pass the check.”

Me: “I’m trying to add service at [New York address], not [California address].”

Customer Service #2: “Well, I’m afraid I can’t help you with that. Please hold.”

Customer Service #3: “Hi, my name is [Name]. I’m sorry, but I’m a bit confused. Why are you opening a second account if you already have an account?”

Me: “I’m not! I’m moving from [California address] to [New York address]. Something went wrong when I filed the move request.”

Customer Service #3: “Something sure DID go wrong! Okay, I’ve put an order in to move your old account to your new address. We have to deal with this new order someone put in place.”

Me: “Okay. Can we just cancel it?”

Customer Service #3: “Hmm… no, I can’t cancel it because the credit check is still pending. You know what though? I can resolve this.” *I hear her typing for a few seconds* “There we go. I can’t cancel it, but I’m allowed to update it. Let’s see if they pass a credit check for Mr. Lord Voldemort, with no social security number, at address #1 Please Cancel This Order Road.”

(My Internet turns on soon, and I don’t hear any more of the issue for a few days until I get a phone call asking me to rate my customer service interaction.)

Phone Robot: “Thank you for taking the time to fill out this survey. Please press ‘1’ if I am speaking to: LORD VOLDEMORT.”

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A Very Unfortunate Vocabulary

| Limerick, Ireland | Right | August 26, 2015

Me: “Because it’s too close to your renewal date, we won’t be able to change your plan now, but at the end of the week we will.”

Customer: “So there’s nothing you can do for me now?”

Me: “Unfortunately not, no.”

Customer: “Right. And you know that word you keep using, ‘Unfortunately.'”

Me: “Yes?”

Customer: “I’d like you to put through some feedback to your complaints department; it’s not a real word. I don’t know who’s been doing your training or whatever, but ‘Unfortunately’ is not in the dictionary.” *click*

Must Be Using 2% Of Their Brain

| USA | Right | August 18, 2015

Me: “Thank you for choosing [Company]. My name is [My Name]. May I have your name and account number, please?”

Customer: “God d*** it, not this again. Look, I just need you guys to send me a god d*** technician to fix my Internet! It’s been three days since it was installed and it still doesn’t work!”

(At this point I take a deep breath and grab my stress ball.)

Me: “Oh, well, that’s no good. Newly installed and not even working? I definitely understand the concern, but I’d be more than happy to help figure out what’s going on and see if we can get you online.”

Customer: “Yeah, whatever. Just fix it.”

Me: “Okay, well, let’s start off with what exactly isn’t working? Are you not connected to the wifi? Is the—”

Customer: “Look, I’ve already typed the d*** wifi password in 10 times and it doesn’t work. I just need a technician.”

Me: “If we need to set you up with a technician we will, but we could probably fix this over the phone pretty quickly. Now, this might seem like a silly question, but what wifi password are you using? By the way, the password is on the si—”

Customer: “Yeah, yeah, it’s on the side of the modem. I already know.”

Me: “Okay, well, read it off to me so I can make sure we’ve got the right one.”

Customer: “TWO-ZERO-SLASH-ZERO-B-F-THREE-….”

Me: “Okay, thank you. Now, I noticed you said you were putting in ’20/0′ for the first four characters, right?”

Customer: “YES, that’s what I just said!”

Me: “All right, the correct password is ‘2%BF3. That’s a percent sign, ma’am.”

(Three minutes later…)

Me: “Did it work?”

Customer: “…Yes.”

Me: “All right, it looks like we didn’t have to send that technician after all!”

Related:
Must Be Using 1% Of Her Brain

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About To Go Bananas Over The Chocolate

| USA | Working | August 12, 2015

(I work in a call center. We are allowed to eat at our desks so long as it is a snack, not a meal, and it cannot be during a call. We have some down time so I pull out a snack and shortly after my supervisor walks by. I’ve been trying to snack more healthy, but tend to have a serious sweet tooth.)

Supervisor: “Are you really just hanging out eating a banana?”

Me: “No. I am hanging out eating a banana and chocolate chips so that it’s like I am eating a chocolate covered banana.”

Supervisor: “…That is such genius that I can’t even say anything about it.”

Be Glad It Wasn’t Slartibartfast

| San Antonio, Texas, USA | Right | August 11, 2015

(My call center doesn’t rely on any script; we just have things we’re required to share with our customers. It gives us the opportunity to be playful and fun in certain situations, or we can be serious and sympathetic in others. The following takes place at the end of the call:)

Me: “Your reference code will be easy to remember if you’re into Douglas Adams. Zerbop.”

Customer: “What was that?”

Me: Zerbop. Zulu, echo, bravo

Customer: “No, I got that. The other part.”

Me: “It sounds like a character Douglas Adams would write about.” *I think to myself that I had horribly misjudged the situation*

Customer: “Oh. Okay.”

Me: “Was that all I could do for you today?”

Customer: “Yes. So long, and thanks for all the fish.” *click*

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