I work for a banking call center in the fraud department. Most of our calls are inbound, but on rare occasions, we have outbound calls, as well. These are the absolute worst, especially if the customer has to be authenticated to the account.

One day, I get that dreaded call. The automated line informs me that it’s an outbound call and that I must authenticate the customer. When I pull the information up, the phone number that was called was put on the account only days before, making this a “High Risk” call. If I don’t verify him to the account — What if the number was put in incorrectly and I’m calling the wrong person? — I can probably be fired.

Me: “Thank you for holding for [Bank] Debit Card Fraud Services. This call may be recorded or monitored for quality assurance purposes. My name is [My Name], and to begin, who have I reached today?”

Customer: “[Customer].”

This is the name on the account, but that’s just the first step. I have to ask one more question, and I’m frantically trying to find the most innocent thing I can.

Me: “Thank you, Mr. [Customer]. Now, before I can begin, I do have to verify that I have contacted the correct cardholder, and to do that, I’ll have to ask a quick security-related question. Would you consent to be authenticated to the account? If you don’t want to do so, please let me know, and then hang up and contact the number on the back of your debit card to be assured that you’re speaking to a [Bank] employee.”

Customer: “No, that’s fine.”

Me: “Very well, Mr. [Customer], thank you. Would you be able to confirm for me the date of the last deposit into your account?”

This is a very low-risk question, and unless the employee asks for that information, knowing it won’t get someone into your account, usually. All I want is either a number or a day of the week.

Customer: “Actually, let me ask you something. Is your mother proud of you, knowing you’re too r******d to suck c**k for a living? That you have to resort to stealing money from hard-working people?”

Me: “Sir, failure to authenticate at this stage will result in a block being placed on your card, and you’ll have to head into your nearest banking location to have it undone. Will you be able to authenticate to the account?”

Customer: “Here, why don’t you just suck my d**k sideways? Your mouth’s clearly big enough.”

Me: “Very well, sir. As you are refusing to authenticate, your card has a hold on it now. Please step into your nearest banking location and have the associate call us to have it removed. Thank you for banking with [Bank].”

I disconnect the call and notate, “DO NOT SERVICE OVER PHONE. CUSTOMER BECAME VERBALLY ABUSIVE AND REFUSED TO AUTHENTICATE. SEND TO BANK.” And then, I forget all about it.

About four hours later, an inbound call comes in. I pull up the information, and the first thing that pops up is a note on the account stating, “DO NOT SERVICE OVER PHONE. CUSTOMER BECAME VERBALLY ABUSIVE AND REFUSED TO AUTHENTICATE. SEND TO BANK.” I check the ID number that placed the hold and realize that it was MY number.

The same man has called in, and as luck would have it, I am the next available agent able to speak with him. I answer my phone with the biggest smile on my face and with my most chipper customer service voice.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Bank] Debit Card Fraud Services! This call may be recorded or monitored for quality assurance purposes! My name is [My Name], and who do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?”

There’s a brief silence on the other end of the phone.

Customer: “Oh… I, uh… I guess you are with the bank… aren’t you?”

Me: “You are correct, sir, I am a [Bank] Fraud Analyst. How may I assist you today?”

Customer: *Pauses* “You’re not going to unblock my card now, are you?”

Me: “Well, sir, according to the notes left on the account, it seems you became verbally combative with the previous associate and, as such, your card has been blocked for all transactions. To have this block removed, you’ll have to go to the nearest [Bank] location and have the associate there call us.”

Customer: “But… but I live in [State].”

Me: “Okay then, it looks like your nearest banking location will be in Tallahassee, Florida, sir. Thank you for choosing [Bank] and have a wonderful rest of your night.”

We talk to customers all over the United States.

Me: “May I please have your address?”

Caller: “Oh, I live right behind Arby’s, down the street from the gas station.”

Me: *What I wish I could have said* “Right. We’ll have a technician out to every house in America behind an Arby’s immediately.”

Me: *What I actually said* “Just in case there’s more than one Arby’s, can I get your address, please?”

Back in 2005, I was doing customer service for an online payment service. One day, I got a call from an irate gentleman who wished to report fraudulent transactions on a debit card. Uh-oh.

I’d learned by now that, rather than going through the “Do you have an account with us? Does anybody else in your household?” motions, it was heaps easier to just ask for the full card number and run a search across all accounts. If the card has already been compromised, what damage can it do at this point to tell me the full card number, right?

An account indeed popped up on which the card had been used. However, the name on the account didn’t match that of the caller, so I did some more probing and sniffing, all within rules and regulations. 

Long story short, it was Junior who had gone on a shopping spree. Apparently, for his fifteenth birthday, his parents had given him a Visa debit/credit card with no spending limit. And our service required that all customers be at least eighteen years of age when opening accounts.

Customer: “Well, how do we get his money back?!” 

Me: “Um… we rather… don’t, sir. There’s been no fraud committed because, well, the card owner spent his own money, which was well within his right.”

Christ on a bike, how Daddy Dearest blew a fuse!

Customer: “But that can’t be, because that was money for Junior’s birthday! Why didn’t you stop the transactions, then?!”

Yup. Daddy actually blamed us for not verifying Junior’s age prior to letting him open an account with us and go to town with his card.

It took all of my composure not to burst out laughing. Instead, I diplomatically replied:

Me: “Sir, it’s clearly written in our terms and conditions that account holders must be at least eighteen years of age when signing up for our services. That alone frees us from any responsibility — not that we had any in the first place. Secondly, it was not our company that decided it might be a good idea to give a fifteen-year-old his own debit card with no spending limit. You’re quite welcome to dispute the charges with the card issuer and see if they’re willing to reverse the charges, but, quite frankly, I doubt it, seeing as the card was always in the cardholder’s possession and all charges were made knowingly by said holder. As such, no fraud has occurred, and we are unable to assist you further. Thank you, and goodbye.”

And the amount squandered? Roughly DKK 4,200. Adjusted for inflation and the exchange rate, we’re looking at US$600 or €590 in 2022 money.

Happy birthday, kiddo! I hope you at least got to keep your stuff, whatever you bought.

It’s my first day on the floor in a tech support call center, and my trainer is showing me the ropes. He’s also a supervisor, so our training keeps getting interrupted by escalated calls.

Trainer: “So, those are the basics. I think you should be good to go as most of the calls we get can be answered using the scripts.”

Another worker calls over to us.

Worker: “Hey, [Trainer]! I need you on this one! The caller is threatening to sue us because he shot his laptop when it was freezing as he thought he could — and I quote — ‘shock it back into working again.’”

My trainer and I just stare at each other.

Trainer: “I said most of the calls we get can be answered using the scripts. I never said all.”

Caller: “A digital camera broke my computer when I plugged it in.”

I went through all the standard troubleshooting, and nothing seemed to work, so we had to send someone out for a house call. The problem was immediately obvious and relayed to us all upon their return.

She took the camera cord, which had a USB plug, and tried to put it in the ethernet port. However, it didn’t quite fit, so she took a HAMMER, and well… you know what she did.

This was compounded by the fact that some ethernet ports can fit USB plugs in them; however, the caller’s reasoning was that the cord wasn’t snug, as it fell out. Well, after it was driven into the port an inch, it was quite snug.