Deliver Me From This Delivery

, , , , | Right | September 17, 2018

(We have a service we offer in which, if you buy a mattress from us, we will remove and dispose of your old mattress for $25. My coworker is speaking to a customer who has purchased this service and is expecting delivery tomorrow.)

Customer: “So, I paid for you guys to come take my old mattress…”

Coworker: “Yes, sir?”

Customer: “I’ve decided I want to bring my old mattress to my daughter’s house.”

Coworker: “Oh, okay. So, would you like to cancel the $25 removal and have a refund?”

Customer: “No, I want you to take the old mattress to my daughter’s house.”

Coworker: “Unfortunately, our delivery team can’t do that. They can bring you the mattress you ordered, and if you would like, they can take your old mattress away for disposal. They can’t deliver your personal item to someone else.”

Customer: “No, I paid you $25 to take my old mattress, and I want you to take it to my daughter’s house!”

Coworker: “Sir, the $25 charge is to dispose of your old mattress. If you do not want us to do that, we can refund you, but we can not deliver your belongings to another residence.”

Customer: “Well, I will just tell the delivery people when they get here.”

Coworker: “Sir, the delivery team does not offer that service. You can ask them, but they will most likely refuse, and they would be well within policy by doing so.”

Customer: “That’s ridiculous! I don’t think you know how to do your job!”

Coworker: “Sir, if you would like to speak to a supervisor I can transfer you.”

Customer: “Yeah, right… You’re just going to pass me to someone sitting next to you.”

(My coworker turned her head to the side and saw that the person sitting nearest to her was the supervisor, and we both burst out laughing. The conversation went on for another ten minutes before the customer gave up.)

Needs Some Stupidity Insurance

, , , | Right | September 16, 2018

(I work in a call centre where we handle calls for several different insurance companies — primarily travel insurance — as well as our own in-house policies.)

Me: “Good morning. You’re through to [Company]. My name is [My Name]; how may I help you?”

Customer: “Oh, hey. I’m going backpacking next month and my mum says I need insurance.”

Me: “Okay. We do insurance policies especially for backpacking trips. I just need a few details and I can get you a price.”

Customer: “Okay.”

Me: “First, where are you going on this trip?”

(The customer rattles off lots of different countries, including Europe, America, and even Asia and Africa. It turns out he is travelling for almost a year.)

Me: “Okay, so, you’ll need worldwide coverage, but it covers you for—” *I tell the customer all the things it covers him for* “In order to determine a price, I just need a few more details. Let’s start with your date of birth.”

Customer: “Uh…” *long pause* “MUM! WHEN WAS I BORN?”

(I hear his mother in the background shouting his date of birth, which he then gives to me.)

Me: “Thank you. Now, do you have any pre-existing medical conditions, such as asthma?”

Customer: “Uh…” *another long pause* “MUM! DO I HAVE ANY MEDICAL CONDITIONS?”

(I hear his mother shouting in the background.)

Customer: *talking to his mother* “What? I have diabetes and asthma?”

Mother: *in background* “Why do you think you have an inhaler and an epi-pen?”

Customer: “OH! That’s what those are for!”

(At this point my jaw just drops.)

Customer: “Yeah, so, I have diabetes and asthma. Who knew?”

(I finalise the quote, add in extra medical coverage for his conditions, and he pays. When I hang up, my colleague, who must have overheard the conversation, turns to me and laughs.)

Coworker: “That kid is going to wake up in a bathtub of ice with missing kidneys before the end of his first week abroad.”

Must Really Appreciate Good Banking

, , , | Right | September 13, 2018

(I work for a bank call centre. A customer calls in to redeem his money, and this happens at the end of the call.)

Me: “Okay, you’ll receive the funds in [amount] business days; is there anything else I can help you with today?”

Customer: “I love you.”

Me: *long pause* “Have a good day.”

Shot Himself In The Foot

, , , | Right | September 13, 2018

(I work for one of the major energy suppliers in the UK in the department that deals with accounts where payment has not been made for at least 18 months. We administer the accounts and try and contact the customer to resolve the issue while the warrant team begins preparations for a warrant to enter the customer’s home to have a prepayment meter installed. Obviously, we try very hard to ensure it doesn’t get that far. As you can imagine, we get many calls from customers who are furious to get a letter advising them of court action. Once, I get a call from a guy who has received a letter advising him that our agents are coming to his property in two days with said warrant.)

Me: “Hi, you’re through to [Company], [Department]. My name is [My Name]. Can you confirm your name, the first line of your address, and your date of birth for security?”

(The guy on the phone does as I ask calmly, confirming all his details, and I pull up his account.)

Me: “Okay, how may I help you today? Are you calling to make a payment?”

Customer: “No, I’m f****** well not. I’m calling to let you know that if you send your bailiffs round, I’ll shoot them. I’ve got a gun; I’ve shot bailiffs before!”

(We don’t use bailiffs; we do not remove property. We are just there to fit the meter because we have a duty to prevent the debt getting out of hand, and it is a last resort. This customer has never answered a single call or letter in the past two years, and has never made a single payment, either.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we take gun threats very seriously. I am going to have to call the team and advise them to request a police escort when coming to your property, which will incur an additional charge.”

Customer: “Send whoever the f*** you want. I’ll shoot the police. I’ll shoot your guys. I have tonnes of guns. I’ve shot and killed people before!”

Me: “I’m terribly sorry, sir, but I am obligated to report this threat.”

Customer: “Do whatever the f*** you want. I’m not paying this bill. Why should I? If anyone gets near my house I’ll f****** shoot their f****** heads off!” *hangs up*

(It is company policy to report any threats of guns, violence against our field agents, or bombs, even if we suspect the customer doesn’t mean what they say or are clearly joking. I filled out the appropriate form, and then contacted my manager who listened to the call and then contacted the police, per protocol. A few days later a huge complaint was called in from this customer, furious that we had the gall to call the police on him. They went to his house, knocked down his door, and searched his house for weapons, and while the police were doing this our warrant guys fitted his meter. Luckily, I was on a break when he called, but my manager informed me that she told him that it was policy to do that and that perhaps next time he’d think twice before threatening people who have his name and address! Moral of the story: don’t mention guns, and especially never say you’re going to shoot the police; they will not take it lightly.)

Will Need A Stronger Cleaning Meth-od

, , , , , | Right | September 13, 2018

(I work at a call center that offers in-home carpet cleaning services. We are the call center for a branch in Greenville, South Carolina, as well, and one day I get a call from an older woman in the Greenville area.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. This is [My Name]. Are you calling for carpets, or air ducts?”

(The customer answers in a very fragile, delicate voice.)

Customer: “Yes, um, I was calling about seeing to get some carpets cleaned.”

Me: “Of course! I can help you out with that for sure. Let me get the zip code of your area to make sure we can service you.”

Customer: “Yes, my zip code is [zip code].”

(I enter the zip code to find we do, in fact, service her area.)

Me: “Yes, ma’am, we can come out to service you. How many rooms of carpet would you like to have cleaned?”

Customer: “Well, let’s see… It’ll probably be maybe two or three rooms?”

Me: “Perfect, we actually have a three-room special we are running right now that we can cover you under. Is there a particular day you would like me to look at scheduling for?”

(We go through the process of picking a time and day for her cleaning, and then I do the standard run-through of information the customer needs to know about additional costs and preparing for the cleaning.)

Customer: “Yes, that all sounds lovely. I had a question about the cleaning before I let you go.”

Me: “Of course! What was your question?”

Customer: “I was wondering if you think that this cleaning will get meth out of the carpets? You see, I had some young people living here, and they got it all over the carpets. Do you think that will come out during the cleaning?”

Me: *trying to muffle my astonishment* “Um, I’m sorry, ma’am, but I don’t think that we will be able to get that out of the carpet.”

Customer: “Oh, dear… Well, do you think if I vacuum it up, it will come out?”

(I am extremely taken aback by the strange turn of events.)

Me: “I really couldn’t say, ma’am. I’m sorry.”

Customer: “Oh, well, that’s all right, deary. Do you know anyone I could call who could get it out?”

Me: *still trying to hide my astonishment* “N-no, ma’am, I’m sorry about that.”

Customer: “Well, I guess I’ll just have to see… Thank you so much for your help.” *click*

(I later relayed to my coworkers and my manager what had just happened. That was by far the strangest request for carpet cleaning I had ever received.)

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