Customer: “How do I send a picture from my phone?”
Me: “I can definitely help out. Is the picture in your inbox or in your images?”
Customer: “Images.”
Me: “Great. Highlight the image you want to send, press the Options key, and select Send as MMS.”
Customer: “Why the h*** do I have to do all the work?”
This story is part of our Lazy Customers roundup!
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Read the Lazy Customers roundup!
Customer: “Please connect me to the Dental Clinic. I need a hysterectomy.”
Me: “Are you sure you want the Dental Clinic? They don’t do hysterectomies there.”
Customer: “Just connect me. I think I have that part of the body figured out by now.”
This story is part of our Weird Words roundup!
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Read the Weird Words roundup!
Customer: “My computer says I didn’t pay my Internet bill and it won’t let me do anything. I just paid my bill!”
Me: “Well, let’s take a look and see what is happening with this.”
Customer: “I make my living off the Internet! Hurry up!”
Me: “Ma’am, I’m afraid my records show that you don’t have Internet as one of your services through this company.”
Customer: “I pay a lot of money every month for this d*** service! You need to fix this and fix this now! I have been a customer of yours for years!”
Me: “Can you please read me the message that is appearing on your computer monitor?”
(Customer reads me message.)
Me: “It appears that you indeed do not have Internet service through us because the message you just read included someone else’s wireless account number. Ma’am, you are using someone else’s Internet service.”
Customer: “Why did you shut me off, then?”
Me: “We didn’t shut you off. We shut off someone else’s account for a delinquent balance and that was the account that you were stealing Internet from.”
Customer: “Well, just turn it back on then. I need my Internet.”
Me: “I can turn it back on in one of two ways. One: you pay for your own Internet. Two: you pay for your neighbors’ Internet to be turned back on so you can continue using something you aren’t supposed to be.”
Customer: *hangs up*
This story is part of the Thieves Getting Caught roundup!
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Read the Thieves Getting Caught roundup!
(I have just taken the customer’s name, phone number, and credit card info.)
Me: “To finish creating your account, I need an answer to a reminder question. In what city were you born?”
Customer: “That is way too personal.”
Me: “Okay. We have a few other questions. What is your pet’s name? What is your favorite television show? What is your favorite pastime?”
Customer: “Ask me my favorite pastime.”
Me: “What is your favorite pastime?”
Customer: “Making loooooooove.”
This story is part of our customers give TMI roundup!
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Caller: “I have an unauthorized charge on my account!”
Me: “Which charge is it?”
Caller: “The one from [Restaurant known for waitresses with ample sized busts]. That was a Sunday… I would never go there on a Sunday! Someone must have stolen my card. This is so insulting, to have this charge on there. I need you to remove it immediately!”
Me: “Sir, the date on your account summary is the date the charge cleared your account. The actual date of the transaction at the establishment was two days before, on Friday.”
Caller: “Oh… then that was me.”
