(I am calling a customer.)
Me: “May I speak to [Customer], please?”
Woman: “He’s not here.”
Me: “This is [My Name], with [Phone Company]. I am calling to remind you that your phone bill was due on the fifth and is in danger of being disconnected. Can you tell me when you will be able to pay it?”
Woman: “How did you get this number? It’s unlisted!”
Me: “Ma’am, this is the phone company. We gave you this phone number.”
Me: “Thank you for calling customer service. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”
Elderly Customer: “Are you a person? A real live person?”
Me: “Yes, ma’am, I certainly am.”
Elderly Customer: “I got a person! I GOT A PERSON! Oh, my goodness, I got a real person!”
This story is part of the Man-Vs-Machine-themed roundup!
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Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How may I assist you?”
Caller: “Well, first of all, you can get a real-life person on the line.”
Me: “I’m sorry? Sir, I can assure you, I am an actual person.”
Caller: “No, no, no! Don’t play that crap with me. I know how advanced you machines are getting these days. You–”
Me: “Sir, I promise you, I am not a machine.”
Caller: “See! You couldn’t even tell the right place to start talking! That, and that pause before you responded is all I needed to hear to know for sure. Yeah, that’s right! I know how to read you things. What do you have to say to that, you worthless box of microchips?”
Me: *long pause* “Beep?”
This story is part of the Man-Vs-Machine-themed roundup!
Read the next Man-Vs-Machine-themed roundup story!
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(I have a caller named Victor Krumm in the computer system. I’m a Harry Potter fan.)
Me: “Okay, sir, so you’re Victor Krumm?”
Caller: “Yep, that’s me.”
Me: “Sorry, this might sound funny, but did you know that there’s a book series called Harry Potter with a character with that name?”
(There’s a pause, as if he’s thinking, and suddenly he yells.)
Caller: “THE MUGGLES KNOW!”
(He hangs up. His wife calls a little while later to actually schedule.)
(I work at a call center in Canada dealing with American cell customers. This is a call from a customer in Seattle.)
Me: “Hello, thanks for calling [Company]. How may I help you?”
Caller: “Does your company outsource to India?”
Me: “I don’t know for sure, but I know it does hire companies out of the USA.”
Caller: “I’d like to cancel my service, then.”
Me: “I can do that for you. May I ask why you’d like to cancel?”
Caller: “I don’t support companies that don’t support America. If they’re hiring out of America, then I don’t want to support them.”
Me: “All right, I’ll process that cancellation for you.”
Caller: “Am I calling to India?!”
Me: “No. I’m actually in Canada.”
Caller: “Oh, I love Canada! I do all my shopping there. Everything is so much cheaper!”
This story is part of the Customers-Who-Can’t-Hear-Themselves roundup!
