(I’m nursing a sore throat, so I bring some honey in to work with me one day.)

Coworker: “Are you gonna put that honey in something to drink?”

Me: *joking* “No, I put it in my ear.”

Coworker: “What? Why?”

(I think he’s just playing dumb, so I play along.)

Me: “Because it helps sore throats.”

Coworker: “No way…how?”

(At this point, a call interrupts us. I’m pretty sure that either he’ll understand it was a joke or someone will set him straight. But then, a few hours later…)

Coworker: “Seriously, do you use a Q-tip to get it in there, or what?”

Me: “No, I just use one to get out the excess honey.”

Coworker: “But seriously, how does that work?”

Me: “You just pour it in and it soothes everything.”

Coworker: “Wow!”

Me: *laughing uncontrollably*

Coworker: *feeling dumb* “Oh.”

(A parent is asking about a supplemental document she needs to upload for her financial aid application. She’s having a little trouble.)

Parent: “It says here that the file needs to be under 4 megabytes, but the file I need to upload is 4.49 megabytes. So, is 4.49 bigger than 4?”

Me: “Okay, great. Your confirmation number is A like ‘Apple’, Z like ‘Zebra’, Q like—”

Customer: *cheerfully* “Q like ‘Cucumber’?”

Me: “Sure. Q like Cucumber it is.”

Customer: “Do I have signal where I live?”

Me: “I would be happy to check for you. What is your city and state?”

Customer: “I live in Alamb-ma.”

Me: “What is the zip code where you live in Alabama?”

Customer: *gives me a zip code*

Me: “That zip code is a Georgia location. You wanted coverage for Alabama, correct?”

Customer: “Yes, but I don’t know the zip code, so I made one up.”

Me: “That’s fine. Let’s try searching by city name instead.”

Customer: “It begins with T-A-L-L… but… I don’t know the letters after that.”

Me: “Why don’t I just pull up the map for the entire state for you…”

(I work for a broadband provider that has a package for 10GB in usage. This is normally for those who use the internet very little. If you hit 7GB, we will send you an e-mail to let you know. If you go over the 10GB, we will e-mail you and advise you to move up in packages to avoid being charged for going over.)

Me: “Hello, you’re through to [My Name] at [ISP]. How can I help you?”

Customer: *angrily* “You’d better help! I’ve just seen one of my bills and it says you are charging me for going over my broadband usage.”

Me: “Okay, sir, sorry to hear about that. Let me just have a look into this…”

(I check his broadband usage and he has used about 70GB. He has an average usage of 60GB for the last twelve months.)

Me: “Okay, sir, I can see that there has been a lot of high usage for the last year. If you move to an unlimited pack, you wont be charged for going over this month.”

Customer: “The last year? I better not have been charged for that.”

Me: “I’m afraid you have been, sir. We have sent you many e-mails to let you know when you got near and went over the usage.”

(He has been sent so many e-mails, the first twenty are not even shown on the list.)

Customer: “Bull***t! I check my e-mails ten times a day and not once have you ever e-mailed me!”

Me: “Sir, we have sent the e-mails to [e-mail address].”

Customer: “I don’t use that e-mail address anymore, so of course I didn’t get them!”

Me: “Did you ever update your e-mail with us so we can send them to the correct e-mail?”

Customer: “No, but you should have checked if I have opened them or not. You should have let me know that I was near my usage limit in the post!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but [ISP] wouldn’t know you have swapped your e-mail unless you inform us. In regard to letting you know by post, it takes 5 working days for a letter to be sent out, sir. In that time, you would have gone over the 10GB and still would have been charged. Also, you are on monthly paper billing, so we have actually informed you via post every month on your bill.”

Customer: *very angrily* “Well, I don’t open my bills! Just by chance, my wife opened this one and showed me these charges!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but like your e-mails, we don’t know if you have been opening your mail or not. So, we have informed you via post and e-mail but you have not opened either. What else would you have us do?”

Customer: “Well! Have you ever thought about telling me over the phone?”

Me: “I am doing that now, sir—”

Customer: “Well, it ain’t good enough!” *hangs up*