(I call my insurance company to know the procedure to file a claim. The mailing address with my file is my mother’s address, as she’s the one paying for it. I live twelve hours away from my mother.)

Me: “…And how do I get the forms to fill out?”

Employee: “You’re going to have them by mail in a few days.”

Me: “Can you send them to a different address than the one listed in my file? I don’t currently live there.”

Employee: “I already sent it, so I can’t do anything about it.”

Me: “Couldn’t you send it again to a different address? I really can’t get there to pick up the forms. It’s a twelve-hour road trip for me.”

Employee: *pissed off* “No! Go download it!”

Me: “I didn’t find it on your website. Can you tell me how to access it exactly?”

Employee: “Search better!”

Me: “Uh… thanks for your help. Can you tell me how much money I’m going to have for the hospitalization and the days without working afterward?”

Employee: “Five days or less. It’s at three times five, and ten days or less, so it’s at two times three.”

Me: “…Huh?”

Employee: “Do you need an example to understand better?!”

Me: “Yes, please.”

Employee: *very unpleasant* “Goodbye and have a nice day!” *hangs up*

(I work at a call center. I enter the break room to make my lunch. Two of the administrative assistants are present.)

Coworker #1: *to me* “Hey, you. Did you notice the new bacon item in the vending machine?”

Me: “Yeah, it’s pretty good, but for a buck for .3 ounces, you’d be better off cooking your own at home.”

Coworker #2: “Wait, there’s bacon in the vending machine? Doesn’t it need to be cooked?”

Me: “No, it’s precooked. The vending guy just filled it again. There had been six, but now there’s only three left.”

Coworker #2: “But why would you buy it? Doesn’t it need to be cooked? It’s gotta be fake! How big is it?”

Me: “Less than a tablespoon.”

Coworker #2: “Well, I’d never buy it. I can’t eat carbs. Plus, bacon is the scraps of the cow.”

Me: “Bacon is pork, which is pig, and meat is protein.”

Coworker #2: “NO! Bacon is cow carbs!”

Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I want to make a payment on my account, please.”

(Suddenly, the fire alarm starts screaming its little mechanical head off.)

Me: “Sir, I apologize, but our fire alarm is going off and I have to leave the building. You’ll need to call back.”

Caller: “I don’t give a d*** if you burn to death. You’re going to take my payment right now!”

Me: “Not happening, sir. Please call back.” *I hang up the call*

Manager: “Why are you still sitting there? Get out! Do you want to burn to death?”

Me: “Well, the customer wanted me to!” *I grab my purse and run out*

(After receiving excellent customer service from a representative, I ask to be transferred to a supervisor.)

Supervisor: “Hello, I’m [Name]. How can I help you?”

Me: “Hello! I was just working with [Name Of Rep], and I wanted to tell someone what a great job she did. She was patient, friendly, efficient, and knowledgeable, and she really helped me out.”

Supervisor: “I’m very glad to hear that! Thanks so much for bringing this to my attention! I sincerely apologize!”

Me: “Um… you apologize?”

Supervisor: “Oops. I meant to say ‘appreciate’. I guess I’m just used to taking calls and immediately having to apologize.”

Me: *laughing* “No worries whatsoever. I work in customer service, too.”

Supervisor: “Oh! Then you know.”

Customer: “Hello?”

Me: “Hi there, my name is Charlie—”

Customer: “Charlie’s a boy’s name! You’re a girl!”

Me: “Yes, sir. Anyway, I’m calling from [company name] to talk to you about the new security system we’re offering.”

Customer: “I don’t need it.”

Me: “Are you sure? It’s really nifty and it has all sorts of special features if you’d allow me to describe them.”

Customer: “Nah. I’ve got my girlfriend’s cat.”

Me: “A… cat, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah. Any time anyone comes in the house, he won’t leave them alone until they feed him. He’s really cute, but it’s the most irritating thing ever. They’d get annoyed and leave!”