(My caller is having an issue with our website that I can’t replicate.)

Me:“Do you know how to create a screen shot and e-mail it to me? If not, I can walk you through it.”

Caller: “I have Windows 8. I could make a screen shot on my old computer, but you can’t make one on Windows 8.”

(As I use Windows 8 myself, I know this isn’t true.)

Me: “Let’s try and see if we can get it. Do you see the button on your keyboard that says ‘print scr’—”

Caller: “Honey, I worked as a tech for 10 years. If you want me to hit the Print Screen button, just say so. There!”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, I just wanted to make sure you knew where it was, but it sounds like you do. It’s actually alt and the print screen button.”

Caller: “Fine, now what?”

(I assume that she really does know a little about computers, considering the offense she took at my previous instructions. Not wanting to upset her, I decide to continue a bit faster.)

Me: “Okay, now you can paste that into an e-mail for me. Just let me know when you’re ready for my e-mail address.”

Caller: “I’m ready.”

(I give her my e-mail address, spelling it out.)

Me: “I’ll have a look at that screen shot as soon as I get your e-mail, and—”

Caller: “Well, it won’t do much good for you to get a blank e-mail, will it?”

Me: “…I’m sorry?”

Caller: “You didn’t tell me what to do with the screen shot!”

Me: “Oh, you can just paste it into the e-mail.”

(I’m about to ask if she knows how to do that ‘on Windows 8’.)

Caller: “Well, I’m hitting CTRL+P, and it’s not working!”

Me: “Try CTRL+V instea—”

Caller: “Never mind! It’s right click, then paste on my computer. I sent it. Let me know when it’s fixed.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, I will.”

(I never did get that e-mail, and had to call her back the next day to repeat the whole process again.)

(A customer calls in, noticing that she hasn’t had any money taken from her account for her water heater rental for the last couple months.)

Me: “Okay, so let me look into your file. Hmm, seems you’ve not been set up on our new billing system. That’s probably the problem. Let me just grab your info from the old system to fix it. Wait, you’re not in there either.”

Customer: “Huh?”

Me: “I don’t think you’ve been billed for this in a while. Yeah, here’s a note from 2007 saying you hadn’t been billed since September ’06. It seems as though they just closed it without actually fixing it. You haven’t been charged for seven years.”

Customer: “Wow.”

Me: “Now, unfortunately, we’re going to have to back-bill you for this—”

Customer: “Oh, God!”

Me: “…but luckily for you, we cap back-bills at one year. So, it won’t be a couple grand: it’ll just be about $300.”

Customer: “Oh, wow, that’s so much better. Thank you!”

Me: “Wait, did you just thank me for billing you $300?”

Customer: “Yeah. It’s like one time when I was 14, and I’d just gotten my first piercing. I told my parents that I was pregnant, and by the time they figured out that I wasn’t, they were okay with any other news I could possibly have given them.”

Me: “Good afternoon, and thank you for calling [company]. My name is [name]. How can I help you?”

Other Agent: “Hello, and thank you for calling [other company]. My name is [name]. How can I help you? ”

Me: “Um… is anyone else on the line?”

Both Of Us: *silence*

Me: “Did you call outbound?”

Other Agent: “No, did you?”

Me: “No. Well, have a nice day, I guess?”

(I still have no idea what happened on that call!)

(After getting married, my husband and I have canceled our individual cell phone plans and gotten a joint plan with a third company.)

Rep: “Thank you for calling [Carrier]. How may I assist you?”

Me: “I just got a new plan with your company. When I called to cancel service with [Other Carrier], they told me that it was the first day of the new billing cycle, so I was still responsible for paying that entire month! I can’t afford to pay them $50 plus your bill. This is going to cut into my groceries!”

Rep: “Wow, that’s really poor customer service.”

Me: “Yes, I spent an hour arguing with them. I talked to several supervisors and they’re refusing to void the charges. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m so upset!”

Rep: “Um… with all due respect… what exactly do you want [Carrier] to do?  Your issue is with [Other Carrier].”

Me:  “Honestly? I have no idea what I expect you to do.  I really had no idea when I called.  I guess I just wanted someone to agree with me that [Other Carrier] is treating me unfairly!  Thank you for listening to me!

Rep:  Can I put you on hold for a minute?

Me: “Sure.”

(I’m put on hold. A few minutes later, the rep gets back on the phone.)

Rep: “I just spoke with my supervisor, and [Carrier] has agreed to give you a credit in the amount of your final bill with [Other Carrier] as a thank you for your business. Can you please confirm the exact total?”

Me: “…Really? That’s amazing! Thank you so much—it’s [amount]!”

Rep: “You’ll see a credit for [amount] on your first bill with us. Have I resolved your issue?”

Me: “And then some! Thanks again! You’re awesome, and I’m going to recommend [Carrier] to all my friends!”

(I’m the customer service administrator. I’m the very last in line when customers ask to speak to a manager. Our tech support call center is located in India, but our headquarters, where I work, are in the States.)

Me: “Good afternoon, [company name]; this is [name].”

Customer: “Yes, I asked for a shipping label a couple days ago to send in my unit, and I haven’t gotten it yet. What’s the hold up?”

Me: “It looks like a shipping label was generated to be sent to your e-mail, but someone made a typo in your e-mail address. We sent it out via mail; sorry about that! It should reach you in a couple of days.”

Customer: “What?! D*** foreigners! How hard is it to type in an e-mail address? Your company is doing a disservice, shipping jobs that honest, hard-working Americans could have, over to India!”

Me: “The mistake was a simple typo, sir. Anyone could have made that mistake, American or otherwise.”

Customer: “That’s just a bull-s*** excuse! If you don’t want to take my word for it, fine. But you’re doing a disservice to this country!”

Me: “Sir, please stop cursing.”

Customer: “What? No, f*** you! Okay, what happens when I get the label?”

(I explain to him how to attach the label to the box and send the unit in.)

Customer: “No! That’s bull-s***! I have to do all this work, just to get a d*** piece of s*** unit that works! Your company is terrible and—”

Me: “Sir, if you do not calm down, I will hang up the phone.”

Customer: “What? Hang up? Fine! Hang up on me!” *hangs up*