(I work at a call center for a cancer charity. I generally speak to donors and volunteers that are very supportive of our mission.)

Me: “Hello, my name is [name]. Thank you for calling—”

Caller: “Are you a Muslim organization?”

Me: “Uh, no we are not.”

Caller: “Are you some kind of terrorist?”

Me: “No, of course not.”

Caller: “Well, I saw the bumper-sticker for your event, and it uses that d*** Muslim symbol with the moon and star.”

Me: “Oh… I can see why you might misunderstand. There is some similarity between the Muslim star and crescent, and the logo we use for our fundraising events. See, the event is a relay that goes on for 24 hours. It has a sun, moon, and star to symbolize that the fight against cancer goes on, day and night.”

Caller: “Where’d you get the idea for that!?”

Me: “The… sky?”

Caller: “I bet you have Muslims in your organization!”

Me: “Well, we do not discriminate on the basis of creed or race, and we are quite a large organization. I assume we do have some Muslims.”

Caller: “Well… you shouldn’t use that d*** Muslim symbol! You’re confusing people!”

(I work for a trash service. The customer I’m speaking with had an account several years ago that was cancelled due to non-payment. It still has a balance.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We cannot reactivate your account unless there is a zero balance.”

Customer: “Well I only put out my trash once a month! I will only pay for once a month pickup! I will not pay that amount!”

Me: “But once a month pickup is not a service we offer in any area.”

Customer: “I don’t care! I only put out my trash once a month! You are just trying to get more money out of me!”

Me: “Okay, so let me get this straight: you want to pay for a service that doesn’t exist, only because you say it does?”

Customer: “Yes!”

(I work at a call center that does outbound fundraising. One of our clients is the Veterans of Foreign Wars Department of Minnesota.)

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name], calling for the ‘Veterans of Foreign Wars Department of Minnesota’. Thanks for taking my call!”

Woman: “Wait, wait, did you say veterans?”

Me: “Yes, I was calling because—”

Woman: “I don’t need a veteran. I don’t even have any animals!”

(I can give her the benefit of the doubt for simply mixing up the words “veterans” and “veterinarians.” But I have to wonder what she would have thought a veterinarian of foreign wars would be!)

This story is part of our Veteran’s Day roundup!

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Me: “Thank you for calling roadside assistance; how may I help you?”

Elderly Lady: “Yes, I need you to get my car started; it won’t start.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, can you try to describe the problem to me?”

Elderly Lady: “Well my husband used to drive, but now he’s passed, so I have to drive again, and this stupid car won’t start.”

Me: “Alright, can you take the phone and go to the car. Try to start it, so I can listen?”

(The elderly lady starts grumbling as she goes to the garage.)

Elderly Lady: “So, I put the key in, and this happens.”

(The car tries to turn over, but nothing happens. I’m trying to figure out what it could be, and am about to dispatch a tow truck.)

Me: “Ma’am, I need to you turn the key just a little bit, and tell me if any lights come on.”

Elderly Lady: “One with a box and a squiggly line.”

Me: “Okay, I need to you look on the dashboard and find the letters E and F.”

(The elderly lady is very angry now, as we’ve been on the phone a while and she’s running late.)

Elderly Lady: “They are right beside the box with the squiggly part.”

Me: “Perfect, now where is the line pointing to?”

Elderly Lady: “The E. Why, what the h*** does that mean?”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry to tell you this, and I can send help, but your car is out of gas. You need to put gas in the car.”

Elderly Lady: “You mean to tell me that I spent $50,000 on this car, and I still have to put gas in it?!”

Me: “Hello! You’ve reached [company] tech support. What can I help you with today?”

Caller: “Yeah, my phone doesn’t make any sounds. It vibrates when someone calls, but it doesn’t ring or anything.”

Me: “Hmm… that is kind of strange. I know this is going to sound really obvious, and I apologize for that, but have you tried pressing the volume buttons on the side of the phone?”

Caller: “Yeah, I’ve done that but it doesn’t do anything. Here, I’ll show you…”

(I hear the sound of his phone beeping.)

Caller: “SON OF A B****!”