(I work for a company that interacts with senior engineers in the US government. This conversation takes place with a senior engineer in a well-known space organization.)

Engineer: “That’s a funny accent you have there. Where are you from?”

Me: “Canada, sir.”

Engineer: “AH! G’DAY, MATE!”

Me: “Canadian, not Australian, sir.”

Engineer: “Well, what’s the difference?”

Me: “Well, for starters, Canada is the country right above you to the north.”

Engineer: “No, it isn’t! Russia is above us!”

Me: “And between Russia and you is Canada, sir.”

Engineer: “Liar! Sarah Palin said that she could see Russia from her backyard! Why do you think that places like New York and Boston are full of communists?! Because of the Russians being so close to them!”

Me: “Sir, I have you here as senior engineer at [Organization]. How does one become senior?”

Engineer: “You have to have worked hard in the field for 20 years.”

Me: “And to clarify, Canada is Australia, and Russia is above you?”

Engineer: “Right! I don’t see why this is so hard to understand!”

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(I’m male, and work in a service call center. A man in his 60s is on the line.)

Me: “Hi, thank you for calling [company]. This is [name]; how can I help you?”

Member: “Where are all the pretty girls?”

Me: “Uh… I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Member: “Every time I call, it’s always pretty women on your side.”

Me: “My apologies. I can talk in falsetto if you would prefer?”

Member: “No, no. Just put on some perfume and we’ll call it square.”

(I end up helping him with his reason for calling.)

Member: “Now don’t forget, something fragrant, but not overpowering as to give them young boys confusing desires.”

(Considering I am gay, and in no way flamboyant, I find this exceptionally amusing!)

(I work in a call centre, and it’s pretty quiet, so my colleagues and I are chatting. We’re discussing how no-one really listens to our greetings, and then move onto the subject of lying. Suddenly, I get a call come through.)

Me: “Hi, welcome to [store]. How can I lie to you today?”

(I go white as I realise what I just said. My colleagues look on in shock.)

Customer: “Hi there, I found some vouchers at the back of the drawer and they expired. Can you help?”

(I get the vouchers updated, and I secretly add a few more because I felt so bad about what I just said.)

Customer: “By the way, that’s the most awesome greeting.” *chuckles*

Me: “I’m so sorry! It sort of slipped out!”

Customer: “Don’t worry love; it’s fine. Have a good day, but try not to tell porkies (lies) now!”

Colleague #1: “Did they say anything?”

Me: “Yeah, but she laughed at it.”

Colleague #2: “B***** h***! People do listen!”

(I work at a technical service call centre. A call is taken by an African-Canadian tech.)

Tech: “Thank you for calling [name of company]. My name is [name]. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Oh, thank God they gave me somebody white! The last time I called they expected me to talk to some stupid n*****.”

(The tech is perfectly calm.)

Tech: “Sorry about that, sir. How can I help you?”

(The call proceeds as normal. The tech troubleshoots with the caller, and decides new software is needed. He offers to ship the software.)

Tech: “Just to make sure, can I reconfirm your address?”

Caller: “Oh, sure. It’s [full street address].”

Tech: “Thank you. Oh, and before you go, you ought to know that I’m the biggest, blackest mother-f***** you’ll ever meet in your life, and I know where you live. Good day.”

(I work for a Singapore-based business. We support computer equipment, that often includes a free PC game.)

Customer: “Do y’all have any games that isn’t about [slur to describe Chinese people] or [slur describing black people]?”

Coworker: “Um, I’m sorry, what?”

Customer: “F****** c****’s and n*****’s! All the games I got from your company have those people in them.”

Coworker: “I’m sorry you’re disappointed in the free games, but I’m going to have ask you to use more respectful language.”

Customer: “Yeah, I know they make you say that kind of nonsense. You’re going to have to replace these games though. I can’t play a game about those people.”

Coworker: “Like I said, sir, the games are free. If you’re offended, may I suggest not playing them?”

(My coworker presses the mute button and talks to the supervisor on duty.)

Coworker: “Can I disconnect someone for being racist?”

(The supervisor looks at the picture of my coworker’s very racially diverse family, and then picks up the phone.)

Supervisor: “Sir, I’m afraid that my c**** and n***** coworkers and I at our c**** company are going to have to ask you to take your racist game needs somewhere else. If you can find a single game anywhere that doesn’t have an Asian or Black person working on it, you are welcome to it. Please don’t call again.” *click*