(I work at a large call center for a major credit card company. About once a month, our managers sit with us and listen in on calls to help improve customer service.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]; my name is [My Name]. May I have your name?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “…All right. Well, do you have your account number, so I can assist you today?”

Caller: “I don’t carry that with me.”

Me: “Well, then, how can I help today?”

Caller: “I don’t know. You called me.”

Me: “Ma’am, I didn’t call you.”

Caller: “Yes, you did. How else would I be talking to you?”

Me: “Ma’am, did you dial our number?”

Caller: “Well, yeah.”

Me: “So technically you called us.”

Caller: “No, I didn’t!”

Me: “Okay, how can I help?”

Caller: “I guess you can’t.”

(The caller hangs up, and I look at my manager.)

Me: “Did that really happen?”

Manager: “I have no words.”

Me: “Thank you for calling [company]; how may I help today?”

Caller: “YOU PEOPLE SHUT MY CARD OFF!”

Me: “I can see that would be extremely frustrating. Can I have your account information so we can correct this?”

(The caller gives me the information, and I see she hasn’t made a payment in four months.)

Caller: “Turn it back on right now!”

Me: “I would be happy to once you make a payment to get your account up to date.”

Caller: “I have to pay?!”

Me: “Well you haven’t made any payments in four months; may I ask why? Is there something that been preventing you from paying?”

Caller: “Yeah, something really important.”

Me: “May I ask what it was?”

Caller: “Yeah, I was saving up for my vacation to Cancun. That is why I need the card back on. RIGHT NOW!”

Me: “Just so I have this straight: you didn’t pay your credit card because you wanted to save up for your vacation, and now you want us to let you use your card.”

Caller: “Yeah, what’s so hard about that?”

Me: “Sorry, we wont be able to do that for you without having a payment.”

Caller: “What! I am so canceling my card when I get home!”

(It is shortly after my uncle has passed away. I’m at his house helping his girlfriend sort out the documents related to all his bills, when the phone rings. As my uncle’s girlfriend had gone to get us lunch, I answer it.)

Me: “Hello.”

Telemarketer: “Hello there, my name is [name] from [electric company]. I would like to speak to Mr.[uncle’s name] about changing his electricity supplier.”

Me: “I’m afraid he passed away a few weeks ago, and is no longer with us.”

Telemarketer: “I see. So when do you think he will be available?”

Me: “He won’t. I said He’s no longer with us.”

Telemarketer: “So you said. I was asking when he would be back. It’s urgent I speak with him regarding his electricity bill, as we believe we could save him up to £50 per year on his bill.”

Me: “You’re not getting it. He’s passed on! My uncle is no more! He has ceased to be! He’s expired and gone to meet his maker! He’s a stiff! Bereft of life! He rests in peace! Am I getting through to you?”

Telemarketer: *hangs up*

(I told my uncle’s girlfriend this when she returned. When she realized I had quoted Monty Python, it was the first time I had seen her smile since my uncle died.)

Caller: “Yes, I sent this request in to update the new rates weeks ago, and I still haven’t seen anything done about it!”

Me: “Okay, how did you submit that information to us?”

Caller: “I replied to the email from you people asking for the information of course!”

Me: “You replied? Ma’am, we send emails from an unattended inbox called ‘Do Not Reply.’ Did you reply to donotreply@****.com?”

Caller: “Yeah, I suppose that was the email address. Why?”

Me: “Well, first off, it’s from ‘Do Not Reply,’ and in the email it reiterates that this is an unattended inbox. It directs you to several other means of submitting that information with big bold letters that say ‘DO NOT REPLY.'”

Caller: “Well, how was I supposed to know that?!”

(I work customer service for a cell phone company.)

Me: “How can I assist you today?”

Customer: “Yeah, my friend bought me a tablet, but I keep getting this bill. Why?”

Me: “I see that you’re using the Samsung Galaxy, right?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “That’s okay; what you actually have is a smart phone. It’s like a touch screen computer you can make calls on, but it is a cell phone and comes with a monthly bill.”

Customer: “You can’t make calls on this; it’s a computer! Stop billing me!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but do you see the green icon that looks like a phone on your screen? Tap that. What do you see?”

Customer: “A keypad.”

Me: “That’s how you make phone calls; you just dial the number.”

Customer: “This proves nothing! I know a computer when I see one! This is a tablet, and I’m not paying anything!”