Me: “Thank you for calling [Hospital]; how can I help you?”

Patient: “I need to cancel an appointment I have today.”

Me: “All right, let’s verify your information and then we’ll look at the appointment.”

(As the patient verifies everything, I note he is 25 years old, the appointment is urgent, and was made earlier that day. He has already spoken to a nurse as well.)

Me: “Okay. I see the appointment with [Doctor] at [time], and you want me to cancel it?”

Patient: “Yes. Oh, and can you tell me what the appointment was for? I can’t remember.”

(I hover over the cancel button as I tell the patient.)

Me: “Sir, it is for forgetfulness. Are you sure you want to cancel?”

Patient: *silent for a moment* “Yes, go ahead and cancel it.”

(My coworker has a good grasp on technology, and knows how to avoid spam. She has recently had her computer upgraded and does not yet have most programs to run the basics.)

Coworker: “Hey [name]? Can you open up ZIP files?”

Me: “Sure. Send it over.”

(I open the zip, and it’s an executable file from a known bank.)

Coworker: “Hmm. I still can’t open it. What kind of file is it?”

Me: “It’s an executable.”

Coworker: “I don’t know. I don’t even know this guy at [bank] who sent it.”

Me: “…do you bank with them?”

Coworker: “No.”

Me: “Delete it. Delete it now. Remove it from your trash bin. Start running scans.”

Coworker: “I shouldn’t have opened it, should I?”

Me: “No. But at least you didn’t run the executable file, unlike others in this building.”

(10 minutes later, another coworker approaches us.)

Other Coworker: “Hey guys. Did you get something from [bank]? I opened it, and now I can’t get onto my computer.”

Me: “Do you bank with them?”

Other Coworker: “No. But it seemed important! It was about my account!”

(I spent that entire afternoon running scans on every computer in the building to clean out the virus and keylogger.)

(I’m ringing to cancel my TV packages.)

Me: “Hi, yes, can I cancel my account please?”

Cancellation Department: “I’m sorry to hear that; can I ask why?”

Me: “I pay a considerable amount of money, and there is never anything on.”

Cancellation Department: “What about the other people in your house; won’t they want to watch TV?”

Me: “I speak for my family and pay the bills; I would like to cancel.”

Cancellation Department: “What about half-price movies?”

Me: “Nope, not interested.”

Cancellation Department: “Half-price sports?”

Me: “Nope.”

Cancellation Department: “Free Formula One?”

Me: “I am not interested; I want to cancel.”

Cancellation Department: “What about HD channels?”

Me: “Nope.”

Cancellation Department: “We have catch up services.”

Me: “That is free to everyone, and we have it on our smart TV.”

Cancellation Department: “We could upgrade your TV equip—”

Me: “Nope, no and no!”

Cancellation Department: “I don’t know what you want from me!”

Me: “I want you to cancel my TV packages please!”

(I am at home when a telemarketer calls.)

Telemarketer: “Hello, could I talk to [mother], please?”

Me: “Sorry, she’s not available.”

Telemarketer: “Don’t play with me. I want to talk to your mother.”

Me: “She’s not here. You can’t talk to her because she’s not here!”

Telemarketer: “So if I get off the phone, come to your house, open the window, and climb in, I won’t find her there? I could do that.”

Me: “Well, if you did that, one: it would be a crime, and two: you wouldn’t find her because she’s not here.”

Telemarketer: “I don’t believe you. Put your mother on right now.”

Me: “You know what? I’ve been more than patient with you. I’ve had it. Don’t call back here again. Goodbye.”

(I hang up the phone. It immediately rings again.)

Telemarketer: “We’re not done here. Put your mother on! I know she’s there!”

Me: “Fine, you got me. She’s kind of here.”

Telemarketer: “I knew she was there. Wait, how can she be kind of there?”

Me: “She’s here in body but not in spirit.”

Telemarketer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “I mean she was mauled to death by a horde of angry platypi!” *sobbing voice* “I don’t even know how it happened. She was just sitting there, watching Days Of Our Lives, when they just came in with switchblades and shanks. She was watching TV; she never even saw them coming until it was too late! And worst of all: IT WAS PERRY THE PLATYPUS LEADING THEM! HE’S A MURDERER! A MURDERER!”

Telemarketer: “Well… I didn’t know your mother had died. I’m very sorry for your loss, and I’ll remove your number from call list. Goodbye.” *click*

Me: “…I don’t understand how he believed that…”

(I’ve recently started a new job, and am listening in with an experienced colleague. A customer is very distressed because she’s having trouble finding out who her electricity supplier is, and she’s being passed from pillar to post. She doesn’t raise her voice or become abusive in any way. My colleague stonewalls her until she starts to cry and hangs up, defeated.)

Me: “You can call [department], and find out who her supplier is.”

Colleague: “I know, but I don’t want to. It’s too much hassle.”

Me: “She was crying!”

Colleague: “Yeah, a lot of my customers do that.”