(A customer has called in to complain about being assessed a paper statement fee, which we recently implemented. I explained to her multiple times how to enroll in online statements in order to waive the fee, which she feels she shouldn’t have to do.)

Customer: “I shouldn’t have to do that. This is my money and it is unconstitutional to charge these fees.”

Me: “Ma’am, these fees are not unconstitutional. We have a team of lawyers who check all of our policies and fees before they are implemented specifically for legality.”

Customer: “I’m telling you. These fees are unconstitutional and violate my Second Amendment rights!”

Me: “Ma’am, you do realize that the Second Amendment allows you the right to bear arms and own a gun, don’t you?”

(Pause…)

Customer: “Well these fees are still unconstitutional. And wrong. I want to speak to a supervisor!”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [Name]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’ve been with no TV since this morning. I want to know what the f*** is happening with your service!”

Me: “I really apologize about this issue, sir. I will be more than happy to help you by troubleshooting your system. Would you please verify if your TV is connected to the source?”

Customer: “Do you think I am stupid? I would not be calling if the TV is disconnected and— never mind.”

(The customer hung up. No further explanations.)

(A customer calls to book a flight from London to Berlin. The aircraft assigned for that route had recently been changed from a jet-engine to a propeller plane. I am required to inform passengers when booking the flight.)

Customer: “A propeller plane? But if the engine stops working, the ‘plane will fall from the sky!”

(I was momentarily silenced as I tried to work out how this wasn’t also true for the jet aircraft. The passenger eventually decided to chance it and booked the flight.)

(At the call center I work at we get weird calls from people testing out the service all the time. Some include random trivia questions, about random subjects. We have to answer all questions seriously and try to get sources if we can.)

Me: “Thank you for contacting [Company] Concierge. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Hi, I have a question.”

(At this point I see he is calling in from Texas.)

Me: “Certainly, I’ll do my best to answer any question you may have.”

Customer: “Well, this is a serious question. Are you sure?”

Me: “Anything at all. No need to be shy. What’s the question?”

Customer: “Well… um… can deer swim?”

Me: “Let me check for you, sir… Well, sir, I found a YouTube video of a deer swimming, and I’m watching it right now. So, yes. Deer can swim.”

Customer: “For real?”

Me: “Yes, sir, deer can swim.”

Customer: “I just don’t believe it. I need to see it myself. Can you send me a link to that video?”

Me: “Yes, sir. It will just take a second as I send that.”

Customer: *slightly muffled* “Honey, sounds like deer can swim. I know. I can’t believe it.”

(We interact with customers over the phone, and sometimes have to spell things out for them, so for clarity’s sake, we are encouraged to memorize and use the NATO phonetics to spell when needed. A as in Alpha, B as in Bravo…)

Me: “Okay, please type this in: C for Charlie—”

Customer: “B for barley?”

(So much for clarity!)