(I am working in a call center that takes calls for 800 numbers people see on psychic hotline commercials. The deal is we tell you the cost and then give the actual 900 number.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Psychic Line].”

Caller: “Help! I spilled my fish bowl on the bed and my fish is dying! He’s just flopping around! What do I do?”

Me: “Umm… what?”

Caller: “My fish is dying! What do I do?”

Me: “Put him in another bowl?”

Caller: “Thank you! This will save him!” *laughs* “Sorry, man, just thought you might be able to use a laugh tonight.”

Me: “Yeah, always appreciate that. Have a good one.”

(Two calls later:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Psychic Line].”

Caller: “Help! I spilled my fish bowl and my fish is dying!”

Me: “Dude, it’s me again.”

Caller: “Oh, hey, isn’t that funny.”

(We get a lot of ‘dirty’ calls because it is a toll-free number. This one guy is a ‘regular.’)

Me: “Good morning, this is [Company]. [My Name] speaking.”

Customer: *heavy breathing* “So… what colour undies are you wearing?”

Me: “Sir, it’s Monday. On Monday we don’t wear clothes. It’s policy.”

(I disconnect the call, smiling at the man’s stunned silence. One minute late my coworker gets a call. All I hear is:)

Coworker: “Oh, naked sir. It’s Monday after all!”

(He hung up and we had a good laugh about it.)

(I was mute for three years due to functional dysphonia. Because most of my employment history was as an agent in various call centers, it was tough finding a job during that time. Fortunately, I was able to land a job as a QA specialist at a call center which required only listening and typing, not talking. At one point the building maintenance guys are doing something to the wiring in our building, and the phone at my desk, which shouldn’t have even been connected, starts ringing.)

Me: *instant-messaging a manager* “My phone rang!”

Manager: “It can’t ring. Yours isn’t even connected.”

Me: “But it’s ringing!”

Manager: “So answer it.”

Me: “How?”

Manager: “What do you mean ‘how’? Just pick up the phone and t— Never mind.”

Caller: “I wondered if I need to dial the parenthesis around the area code when I make a phone call?”

Me: *after paused mute to control my laughing* “Ma’am, if you can find those buttons on your phone go right ahead and push them!”

(Where I work, we are required to wear badges to get in the building and identify ourselves. The lanyards do not have to be from the company. I have recently bought a Doctor Who inspired lanyard with the words ‘Police Box’ printed all over it. This happens when we get a new administrator.)

Admin: “What is that?” *points to my lanyard*

Me: “Oh, it’s my Doctor Who lanyard. The Doctor flies around time and space in the TARDIS, which is disguised as a police box.”

Admin: “Well, you can’t wear that anymore.”

Me: “Why not? ”

Admin: *sighs* “Because it says ‘POLICE’ on it. People might mistake you for an officer! I won’t have the company name soiled because you got arrested for impersonating a police officer!”

(I continued to wear the lanyard anyway. I guess when you’re hardly on the floor of a call center with 200 employees, you tend to forget little things like criminal activity!)