The War Of 1812 Redux

| Right | May 18, 2008

(I’ve just finished setting up this individual’s service call to get a technician out to his house. I flub a few words, because it’s 2 in the morning.)

Me: “So the technician will be out sometime between 8 and 6 pm next Tuesday, then.”

Customer: “Is this call center located in The United States of America?”

Me: “Actually, we’re outsourced. I’m in Canada.”

Customer: “BECAUSE IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, 6 COMES BEFORE 8 YOU STUPID F**K. BE HAPPY THAT I DON’T DISCONNECT MY SERVICE FOR SOMETHING LIKE THIS, YOU G***D**N FOREIGNER!”

Me: “…thank you for calling, have a great day!”

Customer: *hangs up*

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Liar Liar Panties On Fire

, , , , | Right | May 13, 2008

Me: “Hi, I understand that you’re having problems with your delivery.”

Customer: “Yes, your stupid SOB driver won’t deliver to my apartment. I saw him through the window and thought he’d be right up, but he never came up.”

Me: “Ma’am, I see that you live in an apartment complex, is there a security code or call box on the gate that the driver would need to use to gain access to your complex?”

Customer: “There isn’t a call box or a gate code. The gates stay locked all day.”

Me: “Well, without a gate code or a call box at the gate, my driver can’t get through to your gate. Furthermore, if you saw him outside of the complex, why didn’t you go out to greet him?”

Customer: “That’s not my problem. I shouldn’t have to leave my apartment to get my package. It’s your job to deliver it to my door.”

Me: “Actually, it is your problem if you’d like to receive your package today.”

Customer: “You can’t speak to me like that! I demand to speak to your supervisor!

Me: “Ma’am, I am the supervisor. I also dispatch to the driver to reattempt delivery to your address.”

Customer: “I still don’t see why I have to do half of your job. You’re the delivery company.”

Me: “No problem, ma’am. We’ll bring it back to the building tonight and we’ll try it again tomorrow. If we can’t reach your door tomorrow, then we’ll try again a third time and after that, if it gets sent back to the shipper, you’ll have to address it with them.”

Customer: “NO! NO! NO! Fine! I’ll prop the gate open. It’s medication that I need today!”

Me: *looks in system — it’s Victoria Secret*

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Postal Paranoia

, , , , | Right | May 13, 2008

Me: “All right, ma’am. And may I have your zip code?”

Woman: “No.”

Me: “Well, it’s something I have to take. Don’t worry, we–”

Woman: “No!”

Me: “I, uh–”

Woman: “No! You’re not getting my zip code.”

Me: “Right. Because I’m going to TAKE that zip code and knock on the door of EVERY house in the code just to FIND YOU!”

(The customer left, but I felt a lot better.)

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If Exes Ruled The World

, , , , | Right | May 5, 2008

Customer: “I want to cancel my ex-husband’s policy.”

Me: “Are you on the policy with him?”

Customer: “No, but his new girlfriend is. That’s why I’d like it canceled.”

Me: “You can’t cancel a policy that isn’t yours.”

Customer: “Why not?! It used to be my policy!”

Me: “Well, because you no longer have authorization to make such a change.”

Customer: “Well, he didn’t have authorization to bring that b**** into my house, but he did it anyway. I’m pretty sure you can cancel his policy.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure you need to see a therapist. Thanks for calling.”

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Fun With Idle Threats

, , | Right | May 1, 2008

Me: “Good afternoon. Who am I talking to?”

Customer: “It’s the tenth time I’m calling in! Please just transfer me already.”

Me: “Who am I talking to?”

Customer: “It’s [Customer]. Now transfer me to the right section.”

Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “Jesus, are you dumb? I just want you to transfer my call to someone who can actually help me.”

Me: “I’m not transferring your call until you tell me what’s going on, ma’am.”

Customer: “It’s my statement. It’s wrong and I want a refund. Now transfer this call.”

Me: “What’s your cellphone number with the area code?”

Customer: “Just transfer this already. I’m responsible for your paycheck!”

(OH, SNAP!)

Me: “All right. Do you have your statement in your hands?”

Customer: “Yeah. Transfer the call!”

Me: “Please check if you see my name in your statement.”

(Silence.)

Me: “Ma’am?”

Customer: “Yeah…”

Me: “Please check if you see my name in your statement.”

(Silence.)

Me: “Does it?”

Customer: “No!”

Me: “So you have nothing to do with my paycheck, I guess. Plus, you haven’t paid your last one and I still got my paycheck. Now, can I please check some information before transferring the call?”

Customer: *sighs* “Yeah, okay…”

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