(I had an interview and the manager was unable to attend, but wants to meet with me and calls me up the next day to arrange it.)

Me: “Too Many Hamsters R Us.”

Manager: “Er, can I speak to [My Name], please?”

Me: “Speaking.”

Manager: “Hi, this is [Manager[ from [Centre]…”

Me: “Oh, God, sorry about that. I always answer the house phone in a jokey way.”

Manager: “You wouldn’t answer the work phone like that.”

Me: “No, never.”

Manager: “Chuckles.”

(I hope I get this job. It wasn’t even a good joke!)

(A customer was having some issues logging into her account on our website.)

Me: “First, click on the ‘sign in’ link.”

Customer: “I don’t see it!”

Me: “There’s a white ‘sign in’ button on the top right corner of our website.”

Customer: “I’m looking, I don’t see it!” *getting very frustrated*

Me: “It’s above our logo.”

Customer: “I know. It’s not there. I don’t see it!”

Me: “Are you on [OurWebsite].com?”

Customer: “…No.”

Me: “Are you at your computer right now?”

Customer: “…No.”

(I work for a company that deals with online registration for things like marathons, triathlons, little league, etc. Basically any sporting event. A lot of times people have trouble registering because of cookies on their browser.)

Customer: *sounding close to hysterics* “It won’t work! It won’t let me register! I need to get registered for this 5k now!”

Me: “Okay, ma’am, let me just see here. It sounds like the reason it won’t go through is because of cookies on your browser. Now, if you’ll go to the—”

Customer: “I don’t have any cookies. I’m diabetic!”

(I work in a call center that mainly serves as an after-hours line for local hospitals and clinics. Routine questions revealed this particular caller to be a pregnant teenager and someone who speaks English as a first language.)

Me: “Good evening. How may I help you?”

Patient: *using the most arrogant and condescending tone imaginable* “I need to speak to a doctor, right now!”

Me: “Miss, are you currently experiencing an emergency? Bleeding, difficulty breathing—”

Patient: “No, no, but this is really important!”

Me: “Would you like me to take a message?”

Patient: “NO! I said I need to talk to a DOCTOR, NOW!”

(The doctor’s line is reserved for emergencies only. Nonetheless, I continue politely.)

Me: “What seems to be the nature of the problem, miss?”

Patient: “The doctor gave me these prenatal vitamins, and I need them to tell me how much I should take!”

Me: “…You mean the dosage instructions printed on the side of the bottle?”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. Can I start by getting your customer number?”

Customer: *says customer number extremely fast in irate tone*

Me: “I’m so sorry, sir, I didn’t catch that. Could you say that one more time?”

Customer: “Um, if you’re going to help me I’m going to need you to comprehend what I’m saying.”

Me: “Um, if I’m going to help you I’m going to need you to speak at a rate that is comprehensible to human hearing. So one more time; customer number, please?”

(They were polite after that.)