(I work in a call center for a large wireless company.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Wireless Company]. My name is [My Name]. May I have your name, please?”

Customer: “Anna Arendelle.”

Me: “And the phone number please?”

Customer: “Can I ask you a question?”

Me: “Sure!”

Customer: *singing* “Do you want to build a snowman? Or ride our bikes around the halls?”

Me: *starts laughing* “I think someone’s talking to pictures on the walls…”

Customer: “It gets a little lonely, all these empty rooms, watching the hours tick by. Tick tock! BYE BYE!” *click*

(I was laughing so hard I had to take a break.)

(I work in a call center that provides technical support for residential phone, tv, and Internet.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [Name]. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “I’m watching Spike and they have been playing the same program for over four days now.”

(I proceed to pull up customer’s account and verify basic information.)

Me: “I apologize sir. Programming is determined by the network. In order to view a different program, the channel needs to be changed on your set-top box.”

Caller: “I’m bedridden and I don’t have the remote by me.”

Me: “I’m sorry sir. I am not able to change the channel for you. I can only reboot your set-top box which would turn it off completely.”

Caller: *begins to vent about how I’m not fixing his issue*

Me: “I apologize that this is not something I can ‘fix’ sir. I can not make Spike show a different program. It is their prerogative to play a marathon of Cops for five days sir. This can be ‘corrected’ by changing the channel from your remote.”

Caller: “Thanks for nothing.” *click*

(I went home and saw that the ‘Cops’ marathon didn’t end until five pm that evening. This was January 5th and it started on New Years Day.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Yeah I’d like a refund on my shipping ’cause it was late.”

Me: “I’m sorry about that. Can I get your tracking number, please?”

(The customer gives me the tracking number and it looks like it arrived on time.)

Me: “It looks like you selected to two-day delivery on this shipment. This package left had a commitment to be delivered on the third by 12 and it got there at 10:30.”

Customer: “That’s not two-day shipping. I shipped it out on the first so it should get delivered on the second day, the second. It’s late.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but that would be an overnight shipment not—”

Customer: “Why would I want to pay an overnight fee to get it delivered on the next day?! I’m not an idiot!”

(This is where I begin to lose my cherub-like demeanor.)

Me: “Look, you shipped it on the first with a two transit day delivery option. So the first and the second are the transit days, and the third is the delivery.”

Customer: “No, that’s wrong. You’re saying three-day shipping! I wanted two! If it ships on the first, it gets delivered on the second!”

(I’m nearing the end of my talk time so I try something different…appealing to his logical side.)

Me: “Okay, so if you ship overnight, when will it get there?”

Customer: “Duh! The next day.”

Me: “Right! Perfect! Okay, what about two-day? When would that get there if overnight gets there the next day?”

(Silence for 10 seconds…)

Customer: “The next! You can’t trick me! I’m not stupid! Gimme my money back!”

(I work for a satellite TV company.)

Customer: “You should call each customer and let them know that you’re renewing this sports package automatically!”

Me: “I’m sorry you didn’t notice the auto renewal when you reviewed your June statement and I understand that this is an unexpected bill amount this month. Let’s see what we can do to resolve your concerns.”

Me: *thinking* “Let’s see, 20 million subscribers all getting a personal phone call … I think you may have just solved the unemployment problem in the U.S.”

(I recently moved across the country from California to New York. I’ve filed a move request with my ISP but don’t have an Internet connection when I arrive in my new apartment, so I call them up to try to resolve this. After giving them all my information, they explain the problem.)

Customer Service #1: “Okay, so I’m looking at your order here. I see that two weeks ago you opened a new account with us.”

Me: “Well, I moved. Does that count as a new account?”

Customer Service #1: “Well, you can process it like that, or just as a move. It’s up to you.”

Me: “I don’t care how it’s done; I just want to get online in my new apartment.”

Customer Service #1: “You should be online as of yesterday. Have you tried restarting your router?”

Me: “Yes, and my computer. There’s no connection.”

Customer Service #1: “Well, something MUST be wrong on your end, because I see here that we started Internet service at [California address] yesterday.”

Me: “No, that’s my OLD address. I don’t live there any more.”

Customer Service #1: “Uhh… hold on.”

Customer Service #2: “Hello, my name is [Name]. Unfortunately, ma’am, we can’t turn your Internet service on at [California address] because you have yet to pass a credit check.”

Me: “Huh? I already passed that when I first got my connection, and I don’t live there anymore!”

Customer Service #2: “It doesn’t matter if you don’t live there. You still need to pass the check.”

Me: “I’m trying to add service at [New York address], not [California address].”

Customer Service #2: “Well, I’m afraid I can’t help you with that. Please hold.”

Customer Service #3: “Hi, my name is [Name]. I’m sorry, but I’m a bit confused. Why are you opening a second account if you already have an account?”

Me: “I’m not! I’m moving from [California address] to [New York address]. Something went wrong when I filed the move request.”

Customer Service #3: “Something sure DID go wrong! Okay, I’ve put an order in to move your old account to your new address. We have to deal with this new order someone put in place.”

Me: “Okay. Can we just cancel it?”

Customer Service #3: “Hmm… no, I can’t cancel it because the credit check is still pending. You know what though? I can resolve this.” *I hear her typing for a few seconds* “There we go. I can’t cancel it, but I’m allowed to update it. Let’s see if they pass a credit check for Mr. Lord Voldemort, with no social security number, at address #1 Please Cancel This Order Road.”

(My Internet turns on soon, and I don’t hear any more of the issue for a few days until I get a phone call asking me to rate my customer service interaction.)

Phone Robot: “Thank you for taking the time to fill out this survey. Please press ‘1’ if I am speaking to: LORD VOLDEMORT.”