Rudolph The Boob-Nosed Reinder

, , | Right | October 23, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. This is [My Name] in the breast aesthetics department. How may I help you?”

Customer: “My left boob popped.”

Me: “Okay, so the implant failed?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Are your implants silicone gel or saline?”

Customer: “The water kind.”

Me: “So, we’ve had a saline deflation. I need to ask you some questions in regards to how it may have deflated.”

Customer: “Why, don’t you believe me?”

Me: “Of course I believe you, but as part of making our implants even better and evaluating where under the device’s warranty this falls, I need to know what may have led up to the implant’s leak.”

Customer: “Oh, so you think this is my fault?! You make a crappy implant and you have the nerve to blame me?”

Me: “Wait, wait. First, I didn’t make your implant, my company did. I’m here to help you get this fixed in the fastest way possible and that starts with finding out how the implant deflated.”

Customer: “So you want to know what I did to screw them up, is that right? I spend a fortune on these things to be walking around with a flat tire of a tit and you think it’s my fault?”

Me: “No, ma’am. I simply need to know how to cover this under your warranty, to see how much money we are going to give you to fix the problem. We give you a check for money to fix the problem if you’ll just answer my questions. What do you remember doing when you first noticed the deflation in your breast?”

Customer: “My boyfriend and I were playing sex hide-and-seek in the house and he thought it would be more fun if my boobs glowed. So, he used a needle tube to insert little red lights into them… what do you call those little glowing lights? It’s like three letters?”

Me: “…a diode?”

Customer: “Yes. He’s a trained professional… He uses them on animals at his job all the time.”

Me: “So, your boyfriend punched a hole in your chest and tried inserting a diode inside the implant?”

Customer: “Well, not in my chest. Just on the top side of my boob so it wouldn’t hurt. He numbed it first.”

Me: “…and this is the implant’s fault, how?”

Customer: “It started leaking and getting flat.”

Me: *laughing* “I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I’m recording this and no one is going to believe me!”

Customer: *click*

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My Hypocrisy Ate Your Democracy

, , | Right | October 23, 2008

(This is before same-sex marriage had been legalized.)

Me: “Thank you for calling the Benefits Center. How may I assist you today?”

Customer: “Hi. I am trying to enroll in my benefits for next year.”

Me: “Okay, how may I assist you?”

Customer: “I just got engaged and I want to add my fiance to my insurance.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but you won’t be able to add your fiance to your coverage until you get married.”

Customer: “So… those f****** f****ts can get benefits, but I can’t?”

Me: “Yes, sir, but you have the option to get married; they don’t.”

Customer: “Those f****** f****ts, f****** us over anyway they can!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have the option to get married; they do not. That is the only reason we offer health benefits to same-sex domestic partners.”

Customer: “What if I can’t get married? What are you going to do about that?”

Me: “Why can’t you get married?”

Customer: “Well, a**hole if you must ask… it’s because I am already married.”

Me: “Sir, I can assure you we don’t pay for infidelity.”

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He’s Gonna Need A Huge Courtroom

, , , , | Right | October 16, 2008

(Note: I’m calling to renew magazine subscriptions.)

Me: “Hello, may I speak with [Customer]?”

Customer: “This is him, and you know… I’ve gotten five calls from Boise, Idaho, today!”

Me: “So sorry, but I assure you it wasn’t us. Our system only calls once per day.”

Customer: “Do you work for them! Do you work for Boise, Idaho?”

Me: “Yeah, I guess. But there are a number of call centers here in Boise. Maybe one of them called you?”

Customer: “No! It was Boise, Idaho! You know what? This is what’s going to happen… Let me have your name!”

Me: *gives name*

Customer: “Well, son, you are now involved in a lawsuit! I am suing Boise, Idaho, and everyone who works for Boise, Idaho!”

Me: “…are you serious?”

Customer: “Yes! I get calls all the time from Boise, Idaho, and I’m sick of it! I’m on a ‘do not call’ list!”

Me: “Well, you subscribed to this magazine, so the list doesn’t apply. However, I can put you on our system’s ‘do not call’ list and we will never bother you again.”

Customer: “This is so illegal. I’m taking your job and suing Boise, Idaho!”

Me: “I wish you the best of luck in suing Boise, Idaho, sir. I really do.” *click*

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Marital Bliss, In All Its Forms, Part 2

, , , | Right | October 14, 2008

(I’ve just done a sales pitch for Internet service.)

Customer: “Oh, honey, I’m 73. I wouldn’t know what to do with the Internet. I can hardly run the computer my daughter gave me.”

Me: “Well, I’ll be honest. I’m 24 and I do struggle with them from time to time.”

Customer: “Boy, I sure wouldn’t want to be your age, what with all the bad things happening in the world today.”

Me: “I don’t know; I’m pretty optimistic most of the time. I think we’ll be okay.”

Customer: “You’ve never been married, have you?”

 

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Barking Up The Wrong Tree

, , , | Right | October 13, 2008

Me: “This is [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yeah, I want a discount on my services.”

Me: “I’d be glad to see if you qualify for a promotion on a new service–”

Customer: “No, I mean on my current services.”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am. We don’t have any promotions like that; they’re only for new services.”

Customer: “Well, this is bull-s***! I shouldn’t have to pay for Spanish channels that I don’t watch and can’t understand. Let the Mexicans pay extra for those, not me!”

Me: “Ma’am, we cater to our demographic, and California as a whole has a very large Hispanic population including MYSELF and my family.”

Customer: “That’s terrible! I’m on a budget and don’t think I should be charged for these.”

Me: “Again, I’m sorry, ma’am, but that’s just how are services are offered.”

Customer: “Well I’ll tell you this… you better watch out, because before you know it, a MEXICAN is gonna take your job!”

Me: “…all right, then, ma’am. Gracias por llamar a [Empresa] que tenga un buen dia.” *click*

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