(I used to work in a call center for an international, but UK-based retail company. The company ships worldwide; however we only have stores in Europe, UAE, and South Africa. A call comes through. A man with an American accent speaks. I do the usual, scripted greeting.)

Caller: “I’m very upset with the service I received in your New York store.”

(We don’t have a New York store.)

Me: “Oh, I am very sorry to hear that; however, we don’t hav—”

Caller: *interrupting* “I was just in there with my wife…”

(He continues on the phone for five minutes detailing every horrible thing that apparently happened to him in a store we don’t have. He was even so bold as to make up names and descriptions of staff members. He keeps mentioning that a suitable apology would be a “10% off discount and free delivery for life.” He finishes the cacophony of the apparent racial, verbal, and mental anguish he suffered by saying he’s with a staff member who can back up his claim.)

Me: *trying to stop the nonsense* “I do understand your frustration here; however, we do not have a Ne—”

(I am interrupted again as the man puts a woman on the phone, claiming she works for the store and witnessed the abuse. The woman also states she has been in contact with the head office in New York (our head office is in London) and they agreed on the discount and it was just up to customer services to sort it out for him.)

Me: “I—”

(The man returns to the phone, saying he spends a lot of money in the store and is a loyal customer. He continues, again, for a further five minutes. The call has lasted fifteen minutes and I should have ended my shift five minutes into the call. Frustrated, I interrupt the man.)

Me: “We are dreadfully sorry to hear about the service you received in our store. In order for us to sort this discount out for you, I just need you to answer one question.”

Caller: “Oh, that’s good! What do you need to know? My name is—”

Me: *interrupting* “You are aware we do not have any stores in North America?”

Caller: *click*

(If it hadn’t have been keeping me in the call centre, I would have let the call continue just to see how big of a hole this guy could dig himself into.)

(I work in a call center for the largest cell phone provider in the US. A man calls in about overages on his bill, telling me a long story about how his ex-wife took his daughter and the phones and his daughter used all the data because she doesn’t understand. After some research, I can see that he has called in so many times about this charge that the system stopped recording notes. I offer him the same thing every previous agent has offered him, to waive half the charges, which would take nearly $75 off his bill.)

Customer: “That is ridiculous! What would it take to cancel all of my services?!”

Me: “Well, sir, it looks like all six of your lines are still under contract, which means they would all have early termination fees that would total out to…. $1,378.46.”

Customer: “And how would that be charged?”

Me: “It would be added to your current balance and presented to you in your final bill from [Cell Phone Provider].”

Customer: “Okay…”

Me: “The total of the final bill, including your current balance would be $1,994.76, sir.”

Customer: “And I could choose to pay that or not?”

Me: “Uh, any bill that you don’t pay will be sent to a collection agency, sir.”

Customer: “Well, she already ruined my credit anyway, so what does it matter?!”

Me: “…I can’t advise you to not pay your bill to [Cell Phone Provider], sir.”

(The customer eventually had me give him the originally offered credit, obviously intending to cancel on another call.)

(My aunt is trying to quit smoking. In the process, she has been trying to get in touch with a local free help quit line. When the help line tries to get back to her, they have to leave a voicemail.)

Aunt’s Voicemail Greeting: “Hi, you have reached [Full Name]. My phone is either off, dead, or I am in school. If you’ll leave your name, number, and a brief message I’ll get back to you. Thank you.”

Help Line Trainee: “Hi, this is [Trainee], trying to get in touch with a [Full Name].”

(There is a brief pause.)

Help Line Trainee: “Hello, [Aunt], this is [Trainee] from [Help Quit Program]. I am returning your call regarding the services we offer.”

(Another pause. This time there is some background noise: a person coughing, some papers rustling.)

Help Line Trainee: “I’m sorry, if someone is there I do apologize but I can’t seem to hear you.” *yet another pause* “There is no response so I’m going to have to terminate this call. If you can hear me please call us back.”

(There is a sound that sounds like she is gonna hang up but right before the message actually ends I can hear her say:)

Help Line Trainee: “D*** it! Again!”

(I work as a customer service representative for an American credit card company. Most of our callers are irate since I’m assigned in the billing inquiry department. A call comes in and the client’s account automatically pops up and as part of our security procedure, the caller’s name should be captured over the recorded line. After my opening spiel, I ask for the caller’s name.)

Me: “For added security, may I please have your full name?”

Caller: *sounds frustrated and sarcastic* “It’s [Full Name], b****!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “I said, it’s [Full Name], b****!”

Me: “Oh. So, how can I help you today then, Ms. B****?”

Caller: “WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME? YOU JUST CALLED ME B****?!”

Me: “Oh. I’m sorry. I was asking for your name. You said your name is [Full Name] B****. I thought it’s your last name.”

Caller: “Transfer me to your manager now!”

Me: “With pleasure!”

Customer: “Hello, I need help. I can’t connect with my WiFi router.”

Coworker: “Are you connected via LAN or via WiFi?”

Customer: “WiFi.”

Coworker: “How far are you from your router?”

Customer: “About half a meter.”

Coworker: *already confused* “What kind of router do you use?”

(The customer names an expensive and reliable brand.)

Coworker: “All right, can you try and connect your router with a LAN cable?”

Customer: “I’ll have to go search for one in the car—”

(At this point Coworker hears funny noises.)

Coworker: “Oh, these are funny noises. Are you in your garden?”

Customer: “No, I’m out fishing.”

Coworker: “And you want to get WiFi?”

Customer: “Well, yes, of course, so I packed my router and took it with me. This is how it works, right?”