Let Me Transfer You To Our Fraud Department

, , | Right | September 25, 2009

Customer: “I need you to send me a return label for this lamp. I just opened it and I don’t like it.”

Me: “Unfortunately, we do not pay for return shipping, ma’am, but you are more than welcome to send it back to us.”

Customer: “Well, that is just unethical. I know you’ve sent me a return label before.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but it is our company policy that we do not pay for return shipping unless an item is damaged or defective.”

Customer: “Well, it can be!”


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Can’t See The Forest For Los Arboles

, , | Right | September 16, 2009

Me: “Gracias por llamar a [Company]. ¿En que le puedo asistir hoy?”

Caller: “Excuse me?”

Me: “I am sorry, ma’am, your call came in through the Spanish line. How may I help you today?”

Caller: “I want to talk to somebody in English.”

Me: “I speak English, ma’am, You must have pressed the Spanish option through the automated system, but I will be more than happy to help you.”

Caller: “What was that you were speaking before?”

Me: “Spanish.”

Caller: “I want to talk to somebody in English.”

Me: “Ma’am, I speak English as well. How may I help you today?”

Caller: *slowly* “I want to talk to somebody in the United States who speaks English!”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How may I help you today?”

Caller: *hangs up*

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It’s About The Destination, Not The Journey

| Right | September 15, 2009

Customer: “Yeah, I went to order your cream online and there’s a problem. It asked for my name and address. I want to order anonymously.”

Me: “Well, we would have to have your name and address to able to ship you anything.”

Customer: “Why?

Me: “We need to know where to ship it to.”

Customer: “Really?!”

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Yukon See It On A Map

, , , | Right | September 11, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [Call Center]. How may I direct your call?”

Customer: “Hi, I want to apply for your program.”

Me: “Okay. Actually, I noticed on the Caller ID that you’re calling from New York. Unfortunately, we are a Canadian company and our programs are only available to Canadian citizens. I’m assuming you’re not a Canadian citizen?”

Customer: “What do you mean?”

Me: “Well, are you Canadian?”

Customer: “I have my green card.”

Me: “No, sir, I’m talking about Canadian citizenship, not your green card.”

Customer: “I don’t understand what you’re telling me. What do you mean?”

Me: “Our programs are only available to Canadians, so you must be Canadian to apply.”

Customer: “What is this?”

Me: “What is what?”

Customer: “This Canadian thing. I don’t understand what you’re telling me. I have a green card!”

Me: “Canadian… as in, Canada the country.”

Customer: “What is this! I’ve never heard of that!”

Me: “I don’t even know what to tell you.”

Customer: “So, can I apply now or what?”

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Bad Reception, Worse Misperceptions

, , | Right | September 9, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you today?”

Customer: *thick accent* “I have problem with cell phone.”

Me: “Okay, sir, I’m sure I can help you with that. It looks like we’re going to have to re-set your connection. I need you to type in the following series of numbers, followed by the pound key.”

(I hear a distinct whacking sound in the background.)

Me: “Sir? What are you doing?”

Customer: “You say pound phone. I pound on table. Pieces fly off!”

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