Can’t See The Forest For The Airborne Trees

, , , | Right | October 23, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [TV Company]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, my TV is broken.”

Me: “I’ll be glad to help you today. What is wrong with your TV?”

Customer: “The picture keeps flashing on and off.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. Can I have you check the connections on the back of your TV to make sure everything is screwed in tightly?”

Customer: “Well, the lights in my house are flashing on and off too. We’re in a tornado warning. Do you think that has something to do with it?”

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They Call Me Doctor DIY

, , , | Healthy Right | October 22, 2009

(We sell dental surgical products and sometimes have to give instructions on their usage. A doctor calls in from the operating room and has me on speakerphone while they’re operating on a patient, who may or may not be under anesthesia.)

Doctor: “The screw is not going in. Which way do I turn it?”

Me: “Clockwise.”

Doctor: “Clockwise from above or below?”

Me: “If you are looking at the head of the screw, then clockwise… to the right.”

Doctor: “What do you mean to the right? Move the wrench to the right?”

Me: “As the screw turns, and you are looking at the head, the top part will go to the right.”

Doctor: “Okay, I think I got it.”

Me: “Good. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

Doctor: “What was that?”

Me: “Uh, righty tighty, lefty loosey? That’s one way to remember. You go to the right to tighten, and the left to loosen.”

Doctor: “Oh, I see. Righty tighty, lefty loosey!” *noise of wrench turning* “Righty tighty, lefty loosey. It’s working!”

Me: “Great. All finished?”

(The doctor suddenly speaks up much louder than before. It’s clear they’re not talking to me.)

Doctor: “You’re all done then!”

Patient: *in the distance* “Uh, thank you, doctor.”

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Identity Bereft

, , | Right | October 20, 2009

Caller: “What is your name?”

Me: “Jennifer.”

Caller: “Jonathan?”

Me: “Jennifer.”

Caller: “Jonathan?”

Me: “JENNIFER.”

Caller: “Jonathan?”

Me: *giving up* “Yes, Jonathan.”

Caller: “But that’s a boy’s name!”

Me: “Yes. Yes, it is…”

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No Ifs, Ends, Or Butts

, | Right | October 20, 2009

Me: “Thank you for calling [insurance company]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes. I need to know if my insurance covers a butt indent.”

Me: “I’m sorry…could you say that again?”

Customer: “I need to know if my car insurance covers a butt indent. There’s one on the hood of my car. What is that covered under and how much is my deductible?”

Me: “Um…do you know how it got there?”

Customer: “No. It looks like a small butt, though.”

Me: “Well, I can’t tell you what it would be covered under until I know how it got there. Do you know if it was the result of a collision or not?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “You have two different deductibles for your comprehensive coverage and your collision coverage. Do you know how the…butt ended up there? ”

Customer: “No, but it’s a small butt on the hood of my car!”

Me: “Well, your comprehensive deductible is $250 and your collision is $500. Would you like me to submit a claim and let the claim adjuster handle it from here?”

Customer: “Oh no! I don’t want to make a claim. I was just wondering if it would be covered if I wanted to file one. Thanks!” *hangs up*

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Too Much Violence On TV, Even More When It’s Off

, , , | Right | October 19, 2009

Me: “How can I help you?”

Customer: “You shut me off!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear you’re having problems. Let me pull up your account.”

Customer: “I ain’t got no d*** account with you. You rip people off so I figure I’ll rip you off, and then you go and shut me off again!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, what address is this for?”

(Customer gives his address and I see he is documented for repeated cable theft.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but this account needs to be paid for if you want to have cable service.”

Customer: “No, it don’t. I’ll just go on back there and hook up my wires and it’ll come in fine.”

Me: “Yes, sir, that is possible, but it’s against the law to tap into lines without a paid account.”

Customer: “Well, you better make it harder because I’m just gonna go hook it up again, and you better stop unhooking my lines.”

Me: “I do apologize, but I’m afraid we’ll continue to take down any unauthorized hook ups, sir.”

Customer: “Yeah? Well, I’ll be waiting with a shotgun next time!”

Me: “I’m pretty sure that’s illegal too, sir.”

Customer: “No, it ain’t! I got the right to bear arms and if you come out here, I’m gonna BEAR ARMS ON YOU!”

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