Me: “Good Morning, [My Name] at [Company], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, can I ask you a question?”

Me: “You sure can, go ahead?”

Caller: “What should I ask you?”

Me: “What do you have a question about?”

Caller: “I don’t know. Should I ask about [common thing a lot of customers ask about]?”

Me: “Yes, if you want to know something about it.”

I am not going through the entire spiel about it when I don’t know what the issue is.

Caller: “I thought you would tell me what I want to know.”

Me: “Yes, if you ask me a question.”

Silence.

Me: “Okay, look, go and think about what you might need to ask a question about, and then call back and we’ll be happy to help you.”

Later, the customer called back and asked a proper question, was given a proper answer, and exclaimed: “So that’s how it works!”

I’m helping a caller with his product, but I need to get the serial number (it’s alphanumeric). The line is garbled, so I try this to ensure I get the correct number:

Me: “Alright, sir, could you read the serial number phonetically?”

Caller: “What’s that?”

Me: “For example, ‘C’ as in cat, ‘D’ as in dog, etc…”

Caller: “Okay, ‘D’ as in dog, 2 as in… 2 dogs…”

I work for a tech giant named after a fruit in their customer service call center.

Caller: “So, I threw my iPhone out my car window.”

Me: “Uh, okay?”

Caller: “Yeah, I threw it out of the window of my car while driving high speed on the highway. My mom was being sooooo annoying on the phone, so I told her to f*** off and I just threw it away. It was one of the best feelings in the world for like, five seconds, but then I regretted it.”

Me: “Okay.”

I’m not too sure what else to say, but this is already my best call all day.

Caller: “So I backed up for almost a mile and found it, but it was smashed pretty badly.”

Me: “Are you asking if it can be replaced under warranty? Because, after that story, I don’t know…”

Caller: “I don’t really want it replaced. The last few days without the phone have been amazing.”

Me: “So what’s the reason for your call today, sir?”

Caller: “I just called to tell the story to someone. Anyway, have a nice day…” *Click.*

I guess I mark that call as ‘resolved’?

We have a coworker who is very proper, dresses smart every day (even though we’re a call centre and not expected to), and never swears or speaks, as he puts it, “in vulgarities”.

I overhear him on the phone with what sounds like a difficult customer.

Coworker: “I am sorry that you’re not satisfied, sir, but unfortunately—”

Pause.

Coworker: “I am not confident that being instructed to fornicate with oneself is part of the job requirement, but I shall give it a jolly good go if it makes you feel better—oh, he hung up.”

I used to work in the call center of a very large department store. A woman called in wanting a high-end top.

Caller: “I’ve been waiting for it to go on deeper clearance, but now that it is, my size is sold out. Do you have any in the warehouse? I need a 3x.”

Me: “Let me check the system, but the inventory on the website is updated very regularly.”

I check and no shirt. It was 75% off.

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but they’re sold out in that size.”

Caller: “You’re just some skinny little b**** who thinks I don’t deserve nice clothes! Well, I deserve it! You better find me that d*** shirt or let me talk to your manager!”

Me: “I also wear 3x.”

There’s a pause, but then she picks up steam again.

Caller: “Then you kept them all for yourself, you fat b****!” *Click.*