An Electrifying Confection

| Right | October 7, 2011

(This happens while I’m setting up a new prepaid phone with a cute little lady.)

Me: “Alright, ma’am. Go ahead and press the phone’s power button and let me know when it has powered up.”

Customer: “The power? What is power?”

Me: “It’s the button you normally hang calls up with. Looks like a little red telephone.”

Customer: “Ah, I see!”

(A few minutes pass in silence.)

Me: “Ma’am, are you having trouble turning the phone on?”

Customer: “Yes. It doesn’t work. There’s no light.”

Me: “I’m sorry. Check and make sure the battery is pushed in all the way on the back.”

Customer: “Battery? What battery?”

Me: “It came with the phone, in the package. It’s small, black, and has 3 little metal contacts on one end. You need to put it inside the back part of your phone.”

Customer: “I don’t see a battery. There isn’t one in the phone, and there isn’t one in the package, either.”

Me: “You don’t see it? It should have been packaged in a separate little baggie–”

Customer: “OH! That! That’s in my candy dish!”

Me: “Your candy dish?”

Customer: “Yeah! I saw it on table and thought it was a piece of chocolate!”

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Do Not Pay Debts, Go Directly To Jail

| Right | October 5, 2011

Me: “Thank you for calling [satellite TV company]. How may I help you?”

Caller: “I’ve bought some used equipment. I need to turn it on.”

Me: “Yes, sir. Could I have the serial number?”

(The serial number brings up an account in collections for over $800.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We cannot activate your equipment until the previous owner closes his account. Can you contact him?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “Why not?”

Caller: “He’s in jail in Mexico.”

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Attack Of The Third Dimensional Dimwits

| Right | October 5, 2011

(I am explaining to a customer how to program his pre-paid phone.)

Me: “Alright, the sequence you need to press is Pound(#)-8678423 to program your phone.”

Caller: “What?”

Me: “Press Pound-8678423 on the phone’s number pad.”

Caller: “I don’t see anything that says ‘Pound’.”

Me: “The Pound key looks like a tic-tac-toe. It’s the button right under the 9 key.”

Caller: “You mean I have to take apart my phone, pull off the numbers, and press this ‘Pound’ key to get the thing working?”

Me: “No, ma’am, don’t take the phone apart. The Pound key is below the 9 and to the right of the zero.”

Caller: “But I’m telling you, I can’t get to that key if it’s under the 9! I have to take the 9 off to see it!”

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Bleeding For A Cause

, | Right | October 3, 2011

(I call people to request for them to come in and donate blood.)

Me: “Hello! This is [name] with the blood center.”

Male customer: “Oh, is it that time of the month again?”

Me: *speechless*

Male customer: “I just realized what I said.”

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Friends In Unusual Places

| Right | September 26, 2011

Me: “How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a parcel.”

Me: “May I have your tracking number, please?”

Customer: “My what?”

Me: “Your tracking number. All of our parcels have tracking numbers which the sender can give you if you do not have it.”

Customer: “Why don’t you have it?”

Me: “Because I didn’t send you the parcel.”

Customer: “So, who did then?”

Me: “Sir, do you not know who sent you the item?”

Customer: “No, but my neighbor just had something delivered and I want one too. So send me something now!”

(The caller then muffles the phone and I can hear what sounds like sobs.)

Me: “Sir, are you okay?”

Customer: “I’m so lonely and I just wanted to get a present!” *more sobbing*

Customer: “I’m so lonely!”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “Never mind, I’ll go now…”

Me: “Sir…wait. We do have a parcel for you. I just need to confirm your address to send it to you. It will be there this afternoon!”

(After he gives me his address, I have a quick whip around the call center and we get a card signed by the team, put in a few chocolate bars with other happy bits and pieces, and send it to him. He calls the next day and thanks us all. Now, he rings once a week on average, and we are all happy to chat with him.)

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