(I facilitate conference calls, and one of my duties is to call people to connect them to their call. I’m calling a client to connect them to a scheduled call when this happens.)

Me: “Hello, Mr. [Client]. I’m calling from [Conference Center] to connect you to—”

Client: “What is this all about? I don’t have a call today!”

Me: “I have you scheduled to attend [Call Title] today at [Time]—”

Client: “Bull-s***! That call isn’t today! You people NEVER get our calls right! DON’T CALL ME BACK!”

Me: “But, sir, I have [Attendee Name #1], [Attendee Name #2], and [Attendee Name #3] holding on the line and they are waiting for you to join so they can begin the conference!”

Client: “Well, why are you wasting so much time? People are WAITING for me! Put me in the d*** call already!”

Me: *face-palm* “One moment, sir.”

(I work for a call center that helps customers with their credit card concerns.)

Me: “[Credit Card Company]. This is [My Name]. How can I help?”

Caller: “Hello. I would like to know my balance, please.”

Me: “I will be more than happy to help you with that. May I have your card number?”

Caller: “I do not have that with me; can I give you my social instead?”

Me: “Sure. May I have your social?”

Caller: “It’s [Social Security Number].”

Me: “And may I have your name?”

Caller: “[Caller].”

Me: “Thanks, [Caller]. And can I have the four-digit PIN associated with the account?”

Caller: “I do not know that.”

(Even early on, I know that the caller is a fraudster. I see something on the account that I can use to shut him down.)

Me: “Thanks, [Caller]. Now, before I continue, can I ask you one question? Do you believe in resurrection?”

Caller: “Yes, why?”

Me: “Because you may have risen from the dead as the owner of this account has recently passed away.”

(My AC adaptor for my laptop died recently — miraculously in warranty. I order the replacement from the manufacturer. When it arrives, I discover that it’s the wrong part.)

Customer Service Representative: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How can I help you today?”

Me: “Hi, I just received a replacement adaptor I ordered from you, but I was sent the wrong size.”

Customer Service Representative: “I’m sorry to hear that; let me pull up your account.”

(She verifies all my information, and then…)

Customer Service Representative: “Have you received the replacement part yet?”

Me: *literal facepalm* “Yes… That’s how I know you sent me the wrong part.”

(The sad thing is, that was the EASIEST part of dealing with the company. This turned into an utter ordeal.)

(I have a call from a customer who has a defective phone. I work with her to get a replacement. She just has to send hers back and pick up the new one when this conversation happens…)

Me: “Okay, now that is all set. What is your physical address so I can find you the closest store.”

Customer: “I’m a truck driver. You can’t expect me to try to park my truck at one of your stores!”

Me: “No problem, ma’am. I’ll have it shipped to you.”

Customer: “Are you deaf or something? I’m a truck driver. You can’t mail me anything. It will get stolen while I’m on the road!”

Me: “Ma’am, how do you expect me to get you your phone that we just ordered if you refuse to go to a store but also refuse to let us ship it to you?”

Customer: “That’s your problem, not mine. Figure it out!” *click*

(Later when passing on the information to my boss, he said, clearly upset with me, “What? Why didn’t you tell her about our newly adopted teleportation delivery system? I’m very disappointed in you!” )

(My company provides all sorts of home help, ranging from nurses to home aides to babysitters for sick children.)

Me: “Good morning, [Company]; this is [My Name] speaking.”

Caller: “Hi, I wanted to talk to someone about this letter I received.”

Me: “Sure, what is your question?”

Caller: “Well, I received a notice about a payment I made three months ago. I don’t understand because I did pay the bill. Can you transfer me to the babysitting service?”

(I try to connect her but get no answer, so I ask her if I can take a message.)

Caller: “Well, yes. You see, I lost the original bill so I just paid 200€ to your company account and I figured that would be the end of it.”

Me: *dumbfounded* “You did what?”

Caller: “I mean, why are you sending me an invoice if it’s been paid?”

Me: “Ma’am, I doubt your bill was paid as it was likely not the correct amount and did not have a correct reference number.”

Caller: “But you still sent me a notice.”

(At this point, and before my eyes roll out of my head I try the service again. This time I do get someone answering.)

Me: *to coworker* “You’re never going to believe this one…”