Me: “Hello! You’ve reached [Company]. How can I help you today!”

Customer: “This is an outrage! I received your coupon email, but it won’t work on your site!”

Me: “Okay, could I please have the coupon code to check it?”

Customer: “Which coupon code? I have nothing like that!”

Me: “Oh, I thought you said you had received an email. Wasn’t there a coupon code there?”

Customer: “You mean I have to READ the email?!”

(I work for a non-profit organization as a telemarketer, making phone calls to ask for clothing donations to help the program. It helps children stay off the streets and have a strong mentor in their lives. This was my morning, as usual, until this call comes up.)

Me: “Hi! My name is [My Name]. I’m calling from [Non-Profit Organization].”

Caller: “Yes?”

Me: *I present the usual script in front of me* “Would you have anything to donate to help the youth in your community?”

Caller: “The youth of MY community?”

Me: “Yes, ma’am.”

Caller: “Why would I ever donate to the brats of my community when they cause so much trouble around here?!”

Me: “Uh—”

Caller: “They come around the neighborhood, with their phones lit up, and walk around through the night! They are just troublemakers! So, NO, I will not donate to the youth of this community. They don’t deserve it!”

Me: *forcing a smile* “O-Okay, ma’am, thank you very much for your time and you have a pleasant day!”

Caller: “Thank you, and try to wake up.” *hangs up*

(The irony? The charity works to keep children off the streets and to keep them from getting into any trouble in the first place!)

(I work for a Canadian cell phone provider. I live in Canada, and my customers are Canadians.)

Customer: “Hey I’m travelling to Los Cabos and the last time I went there I added an American add-on and I was still charged, so I want to make sure this doesn’t happen again.”

Me: “Of course, sir, I’ll be happy to help. It seems that Los Cabos is actually in Mexico which is in Zone One. These are some of the add-ons we offer for Zone One.” *provides different options*

Customer: “Wow, those are pretty expensive… The last time I got some travel add-ons they weren’t so expensive!”

Me: “Right, they gave you the wrong travel add-on, remember? The US travel pass is less expensive but you’re going to Mexico.”

Customer: “But Mexico is part of the United States!”

Me: “Um… No, Mexico is not part of the United States, sir.”

Customer: “Wait, Mexico is NOT part of the United States?!”

Me: “No, sir, it’s not part of the United States.”

Customer: “Huh, I guess they changed it.”

Me: “I’m pretty sure it’s been like that for a while now.”

Customer: “…”

Me: “You know, Trump and his wall to keep them out and all…”

Customer: “…”

Me: “All right, then, would you like to add one of the travel passes?”

Customer: “I’ll have to talk to my wife about this.”

Me: “Okay, have a good night!”

(I facilitate conference calls, and one of my duties is to call people to connect them to their call. I’m calling a client to connect them to a scheduled call when this happens.)

Me: “Hello, Mr. [Client]. I’m calling from [Conference Center] to connect you to—”

Client: “What is this all about? I don’t have a call today!”

Me: “I have you scheduled to attend [Call Title] today at [Time]—”

Client: “Bull-s***! That call isn’t today! You people NEVER get our calls right! DON’T CALL ME BACK!”

Me: “But, sir, I have [Attendee Name #1], [Attendee Name #2], and [Attendee Name #3] holding on the line and they are waiting for you to join so they can begin the conference!”

Client: “Well, why are you wasting so much time? People are WAITING for me! Put me in the d*** call already!”

Me: *face-palm* “One moment, sir.”

(I work for a call center that helps customers with their credit card concerns.)

Me: “[Credit Card Company]. This is [My Name]. How can I help?”

Caller: “Hello. I would like to know my balance, please.”

Me: “I will be more than happy to help you with that. May I have your card number?”

Caller: “I do not have that with me; can I give you my social instead?”

Me: “Sure. May I have your social?”

Caller: “It’s [Social Security Number].”

Me: “And may I have your name?”

Caller: “[Caller].”

Me: “Thanks, [Caller]. And can I have the four-digit PIN associated with the account?”

Caller: “I do not know that.”

(Even early on, I know that the caller is a fraudster. I see something on the account that I can use to shut him down.)

Me: “Thanks, [Caller]. Now, before I continue, can I ask you one question? Do you believe in resurrection?”

Caller: “Yes, why?”

Me: “Because you may have risen from the dead as the owner of this account has recently passed away.”