I Bet His Computer Has A “Cup Holder” Too

| | Right | February 5, 2008

(This is from a few years ago, when I worked tech support for a major satellite TV company.)

Me: “How may I help you?”

Customer: “Is your satellite down?”

Me: “No sir, the satellite is working properly.”

Customer: “Are you sure? Because I’m not getting ANYTHING on my TV.”

Me: “Well, let’s try and get this solved for you. What do you see on the screen?”

Customer: “It’s black.”

Me: “There’s nothing at all on the screen?”

Customer: “I told you, it’s completely black!”

Me: “Is…is there a message of any kind?”

Customer: “Yeah, it says ‘searching for satellite signal’. That’s how I know your satellite is down. You need to connect me to a different one.”

Me: “Well sir, just in case it’s possibly something else and not the satellite, could you tell me who installed your equipment? Did you pay for an installer or did you do it yourself?”

Customer: “I did it myself! I’m not an idiot. I took the box out of the package and connected it to my TV and DVD player and stereo just fine. I know how to connect a few wires…”

Me: “Okay, maybe there’s something blocking the dish, like a tree or perhaps a neighbors house. Where did you mount the dish?”

Customer: “Dish? The bowl thing? It’s still in the box. Look, just connect me to your other satellite already!”

Me:

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Television, Vision Insurance, Same Difference

| | Right | February 2, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling ***** Vision, how may I help you?”

Caller: “I need someone to come look at my TV.”

Me: “Sir, this is a vision insurance company, not television repair.”

Caller: “When can you send someone out?”

Me: “Sir, we cannot do that. We don’t repair TVs.”

Caller: “I WANNA SPEAK TO YOUR SUPERVISOR!”

Me: “He can’t help you either, sir.”

Caller: “F**K YOU! I SAY F**K YOU!” *click*

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Where The Sun Don’t Shine

, , | Right | January 28, 2008

(A cell phone customer has been redirected to the call center for non-payment of his cell phone bill.)

Customer: “Turn on my phone or you can take it and shove it up your a**!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t have service in that area.”

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If Only It Grew On Trees

, , , | Right | January 26, 2008

(I was doing rebates for cellphones at the time…)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Okay, so, I want my rebate.”

Me: “All right, all I need from you is the cellphone number.”

Customer: “I don’t have one.”

Me: “…you don’t have a cellphone number?”

Customer: “No, but I want my rebate.”

Me: “You do know that in order to receive a rebate, you actually need to purchase a cellphone?”

Customer: “For f*** sakes. You’re telling me that in order to get MY rebate, I need to go out, waste MY gas, and with MY money, buy a cellphone?”

Me: “Well, that would be the general idea of getting a reimbursement on something you had purchased.”

Customer: “But I just want the money back.”

Me: “Well, it’s not like this is free money.”

Customer: “Uh… it’s not?”

Me: “No.”

(After about 20 seconds of silence, the customer hung up.)

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The Agony And The Ecstasy

, , | | Right | December 18, 2007

(I am working for a call center that exclusively deals with UPS.)

Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you?”

Client: “I need to track a package.”

Me: “I would be happy to help you with that. Do you have a tracking number?”.

Client: “Yes, I do…” *proceeds to read off the tracking number*

Me: “I’m sorry, that’s not coming up as a valid tracking number. There doesn’t appear to be enough numbers. Could you read it to me again?”

(The client gives me the number again, to no avail. I spend the next few minutes attempting to use what information is available to try and locate the package… with the client coming close to tears when I am unsuccessful. Finally, her boyfriend comes on the line and proceeds to yell at and berate me, using all sorts of expletives, due to my inability to find this package.)

Client’s Boyfriend: “Look, I can’t understand why you cannot locate this package. I mean, I have the tracking number. It says right here, FEDEX TRACKING NUMBER!”

(There is a pause.)

Client’s Boyfriend: *sheepishly* “This is UPS, isn’t it?”

Me: “Yep. Is there anything else I can help you with?”

(*click*)

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