Bananas About The Boob Tube

| | Right | October 15, 2009

(I work in the home insurance department for a large insurer. We offer standard Buildings and Contents with an optional add-on of Home Emergency. This is for burst pipes, boilers going down, etc.)

Me: “Good afternoon, you’re through to [name]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’ve just bought a new TV. Is it covered under my Contents insurance?”

Me: “Yes, it will be covered under Contents.”

Customer: “And is it covered under Home Emergency?”

Me: “Sorry, how do you mean?”

Customer: *sighs* “I MEAN, how long will it take for you to get a replacement television out to me if this one stops working?”

Me: “Um…unfortunately your television is not covered under Home Emergency.”

Customer: “Why not?!”

Me: “We don’t class a broken television as an emergency.”

Customer: “Well I do, and I know I’m right! What do I do if my television breaks and I can’t watch my programmes? GOD D*** PHONE MONKEYS!” *hangs up*

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Not Remotely Intelligent

, | | Right | October 9, 2009

Me: “Hello, thank you for calling ***. May I have your phone number, please?”

Caller: “This thing doesn’t f***ing work!”

Me: “Sir, I’ll be happy to help you with that.”

Caller: “Just help me with this f***ing thing!”

(Eventually, I find out he needs help with a DVD remote.)

Caller: “The movie doesn’t play! It doesn’t do a f***ing thing!”

(I hear the crunching of plastic as he tries to push the buttons really hard.)

Me: “Okay, sir, so you’re pressing the play button and it’s not working. Correct?”

Caller: “Which one’s the play button?”

Me: “The one that says ‘play’ above it. It should be in the shape of an arrow that’s pointing to the right.”

Caller: “I can’t read any of this s***! I don’t have anything like that. There’s just one that points to the left.”

Me: “Sir, go ahead and turn the remote around.”

Caller: “What, backwards?”

Me: “Yes, so that the other side points at the DVD player.”

Caller: “Oh…it works now!” *click*

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Defrauding A Village In Order To Save It

| | Right | October 9, 2009

(A customer calls in wanting to cancel her son’s car insurance. After going back and forth for 20 minutes, she asks to speak to me, the manager.)

Me: “Thank you for holding, Mrs. S.”

Caller: “I want to cancel my son’s car insurance. Why won’t you let me?”

Me: “Because the insurance is a legally binding contract between us and your son, and only he has the legal authority to cancel the contract.”

Caller: But he’s been in London for months and won’t be back until next year. The car’s just sitting there!

Me: “Well, we would need your son to cancel or authorise you to act on his behalf. He can call us on [number], or he could send us a fax with the details.”

Caller: “Don’t be ridiculous, he can’t call from England! I’m his mother! I should be able to do it for him.”

(We went round and round in circles for another 15 minutes, then…)

Caller: “I’m going to sue you for sexual discrimination!”

Me: “Sorry?”

Caller: “I’m going to sue you AND your company for sexual discrimination.”

Me: “Um, on what grounds?”

Caller: “Because if I had gotten my husband to ring you, he could have pretended to be our son and you wouldn’t have known it wasn’t him. I’m a woman and can’t impersonate my son, and that’s sexual discrimination!”

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Why Husbands Should Play Boy The Rules

| | Right | October 6, 2009

Me: “Hello, may I speak to Mr. ***?”

Wife: “He’s in the shower, may I ask what this is about?”

Me: “I’m just calling to find out if he would like to renew a magazine subscription.”

Wife: “What magazine?”

Me: “Playboy, ma’am.”

Wife: “Just a second.”

(I can hear the shower in the background.)

Wife: *sweet voice* “Honey! Someone is calling to see if you want to renew a magazine.”

Husband: “Which one?”

Wife: *slightly homicidal voice* “Playboy…”

Husband: “Uh…no, I don’t think I’ll renew that.”

(The wife picks up phone again; her sweet voice is back.)

Wife: “No, thank you. I don’t think we’ll be needing that one anymore!”

Also seen on: Not Always Romantic

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You’ve Got The Wrong(est) Number

| | Right | October 5, 2009

(Note: our customer support number is close to a local driving school’s number.)

Me: “Thank you for calling. How may I help you?”

Customer: “How much for my daughter?”

Me: “Um…”

Customer: “She’s 16. It’s her first time. She needs training.”

Me: “Sir, I think you want the driving school.”

Customer: “Oh, what do you guys do?”

Me: “Adult websites.”

Customer: “Oh… OH! Oh, my God!”

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