(I book hotels for major hotel chains at a call centre. The customer phones in, and immediately the words I hear are:)

Caller: “Is this how you run a business?”

Me: “How is it I can assist you today, miss?”

Caller: “I have been sitting in this parking lot for 45 minutes waiting to check in! But the rooms aren’t ready, and I have no time to go get my nails done for my wedding tomorrow!”

(Glances at the clock.)

Me: “Excuse me, miss. I understand your frustration from the stress of planning a wedding; however, check in time isn’t until 3:00, and I’m showing it’s only 2:30 at that location. If you wanted to go get your nails done, and then come back, your room would be ready at that time.”

Caller: “I don’t have time for that now! They’ll be closing soon! It takes too long to f****** drive over there!”

Me: “Oh, how long does it usually take?”

Caller: “45 minutes!”

(When I asked why she hadn’t gone to get her nails done instead of sitting in the parking lot, she said “You expect me to drag my disabled parents all around town with me?!” Because apparently keeping them in a hot car waiting for us to check you in a room that isn’t really is a much better option.)

(I work a phone line that deals with online issues for a national company.)

Caller: “Hi. I registered for an online account, and now when I go on to register its telling me there’s an issue.”

Me: “Okay. Just so I understand, you’ve registered online, and then you’ve tried to do it again.”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “It won’t let you register because you’re already registered. You need to select login.”

Caller: “Oh. Okay.”

(I work in a call center where we assist credit card holders. At the end of every call, we need to ask if there’s anything else we can assist with. This caller’s response was the best!)

Me: “Is there anything else I can assist you with today?”

Caller: “I’ve been wondering who I would have been if my parents hadn’t met.”

Me: “I’m sorry that I can’t assist you with that specific issue. The only answer I have for you is 42.”

Caller: “But now I need to know the question!”

Me: “Don’t we all.”

(I am working at a call center that works directly with insurance companies. This is about the third call I have taken since my shift started, and this particular customer is not covered for the service, and is therefore required to pay. My company offers a discounted rate over the phone; otherwise we just send someone out to do the service and the customer has to pay whatever that service provider charges.)

Me: “And that will be [discounted price]. Are you able to provide a credit card over the phone to pay for services?”

Customer: “Yeah.” *provides card information*

Me: “Okay, sir, I am showing that this is an invalid account number. Let me repeat the information back to make sure we have everything correct.”

(I repeat this a few times, until finally I am sure it is correct and it is still displaying the error.)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, it is still showing as incorrect.”

Customer: “Well, yeah. That card doesn’t work anymore. I didn’t realize you actually needed a card that you could take money off of. Can you take cash?”

Me: “Well, you can pay cash directly to the service provider, but it will be at their rates. That means it won’t be [price].”

Customer: “Why can’t I pay you cash?”

Me: “We aren’t really able to take cash over the phone.”

Customer: “Why not?! What am I supposed to do?”

Me: “Like I said, without a credit card, you can pay cash directly to whoever comes out there, but it will be at whatever they charge.”

(The customer then proceeded to yell at me because I was unable to take cash over the phone, and hung up.)

Me: “Okay, so I just need to play you a short recording of our ‘duty of disclosure’ statement to make sure you agree to our terms and conditions, and then we can finalise your policy.”

Customer: “I agree.”

Me: “Sir, I have to play the recording for you first.”