(I work in a call center for a large bus company. I’m known for having an extremely friendly attitude, but even I struggle with this customer, who sounds downright mean and condescending through the entire exchange.)

Me: “Hello, this is [My Name] at [Bus Company]. How may I help you?

Customer: “I need to find out how to get from [Small Town] to [Large City].”

Me: “Sure thing! What date and time are you interested in traveling?”

Customer: “None of your business.”

Me: “Ma’am? We have quite a few buses running daily between those places. I don’t need the exact time, but do you have an estimate? Say Wednesday afternoons in April?”

Customer: “Listen up! I don’t call here to have you pry into my personal life! Why should I be required to tell you what I’m doing and when? Just tell me how I can get to where I’m going!”

Me: “Ma’am, I would, but the schedule depends on the weekday and month. I just want to make sure I’m giving you the right times; that’s all!”

Customer: “I don’t care! You’re just a little sneak! This is the worst customer service ever! Can’t even answer a simple question! I wonder how you managed to get this job, seeing as you’re horrible at it…”

(At this point I really have to make an effort to sound friendly, and I just want to get rid of her.)

Me: “Would you like me to pick a month and then read aloud the whole schedule? I have to warn you, there are over twenty per day.”

Customer: “Well, are you going to start or not?”

Me: “Well, if you were to travel next week, on Monda- ”

Customer: “No! Not next week; the one after that!”

Me: “Okay. So on that week, the first bus leaves on Monday morning at four am; the- ”

(The customer snorts.)

Customer: “Seriously? Are you stupid? Why are you giving me all this useless information? I would never travel that early. Tell me the afternoon schedules.”

(She then lets me go through the list without further interruption.)

Customer: “Thank you. Oh, by the way, you’re not really bad at customer service. It’s just that I do customer service myself and got shouted at by a customer today. I felt really bad about it and wanted to take it out on someone, you know? Thankfully, I had you. Well, bye!”

Me: “Have a nice day…?”

(I quit shortly after.)

(As a line rings, our system pops up with the caller’s account information if one is associated with the phone number. Usually, this is just to expedite serving the customer. Not so much in this case. After I confirm the caller’s name and number, the account history makes my jaw drop.)

Caller: “So anyway, I saw your subscription numbers dipped, and it’s your lucky day; I’ve got a great deal for you!”

(I’m a little speechless at this point; this man’s account is locked due to frequent credit card fraud notifications. Some scammers do sell game time off stolen credit cards, but most customers stop after the inevitable chargeback and lost time.)

Me: “Pardon me, sir, but I can’t help but notice your account’s currently locked—”

Caller: “That’s right! And if you unlock it now and give me six months’ free time, you’ll get an old and valued customer back!”

Me: “Sir, the account’s locked due to frequent charge-backs—”

Caller: *same cheery voice* “Not my problem! I bought that time in good faith. You shouldn’t have taken it from me.”

Me: “Sir, those were stolen cards, and we’ve told you six times this was against our end user agreement.”

Caller: “Still don’t see how it’s my problem. That’s just capitalism. Someone made me a better offer!”

Me: “Because they were using stolen funds, sir, which was why we prohibit such transactions in our contracts.”

Caller: “Still not my problem. So, you going to do your company a solid and get them a valued customer back?”

Me: “You want me to waive $100 in outstanding charges and give you another $100 free?”

Caller: “It’s good business sense to keep the customer happy!”

Me: “Sir, you haven’t been a customer of ours since you started relying on fraudulent time purchases. Each of those purchases got refunded, and we were issued a chargeback penalty by the cardholder’s bank. You cost us money.”

Caller: “Not my problem!”

Me: “That’s why we locked your account. You may not think it’s your problem, but we’ve decided we don’t want you as a customer.”

Caller: “What? But I’ve been a good customer! You should be thankful I want to come back after how you treated me!”

Me: “Looking over your billing history, sir, it’s looking likely your entire time with us might actually be a net loss for us.”

Caller: “Do you want me to get my lawyer involved? He says I’ve got a good chance at restitution after the way you’ve treated me. I’m offering you a good deal. You should take it instead of letting this get… messy.”

Me: “As this is now pending litigation, your lawyer may contact our legal team for any further discussions. Please understand that no one at this phone number is able to discuss matters pertaining to this account until after its conclusion. Thank you.”

(In retrospect, I wish I could have asked how his lawyer felt about his client knowingly working with credit fraud from a variety of state and international ends, but I don’t know I’d have been able to keep from laughing.)

(I used to work for one of the major energy suppliers in the UK. Over the years I heard all kinds of excuses not to pay the bill, some genuine, some just plain crazy. One of my favourites occurs when I am on the evening shift. A customer calls up, furious that we keep sending him bills.)

Customer: “I’m not paying because I don’t believe in paying for energy.”

Me: “You used the energy; you have to pay for it, whether you believe in it or not. I understand if you cannot pay all in one go and am happy to set you up with a payment plan, if you’d like.”

Customer: “No! I haven’t used any energy. I’m not paying for what I haven’t used.”

Me: “That’s not what the meter readings are saying.”

Customer: “Then your meters are faulty. I’m not using anything.”

Me: “You seem to be calling us from your home phone. Is that right?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “It’s also dark out. Do you have a light on?”

Customer: “Well, of course I am. How could I see without it?”

Me: “Your phone uses energy and so do your light bulbs. You just admitted to using energy.”

Customer: “NO! Phones are just phone lines – they don’t use electricity. Also light bulbs use solar energy. I am NOT using any of your electric.”

Me: “Oh, do you have solar panels?”

Customer: “No! You don’t even need them. All light bulbs run on solar power. They’re LIGHT bulbs. Light is powered by light. You know, from the sun. Sun LIGHT.”

Me: “I can also hear a television or radio on in the background.”

Customer: “Yes, but it’s SATELLITE. It runs off the SATELLITE, not electricity. God, you people are so f****** stupid.”

(I pause for a moment and decide this is just one of those battles that isn’t worth fighting. We have lots of customers waiting and this customer doesn’t seem willing to budge.)

Me: “Unfortunately, it appears as though your appliances are using electricity because your meter readings are going up. This bill must be paid. If you do not clear your balance or set up an arrangement, we will go to court for a warrant, which will allow us access to your property to fit a prepayment meter to ensure the energy is paid for. This will also incur further charges to your account. I can set you up on a payment plan today to prevent this.”

Customer: “Go f*** yourself, you stupid b****. Go ahead. Take me to court. I’m not using any energy. You’ll never get that warrant!”

(I’m at an online gaming company, getting trained for call-ins from customers. This is my first call, so my trainer’s looped in and can take over at any moment, and my entire class is listening in. No pressure, right?)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Game Company]. This is [My Name]. How may I assist you?”

Caller: “Hi, I need help recovering some account information so I can play.”

Me: “Okay, let’s see what we can do. What’s your name, sir?”

Caller: *long pause* “My name is…”

(The customer proceeds to badly mispronounce an extremely common Asian name — think someone trying to pronounce the “h” in Thomas.)

Me: “Thank you, and for your secret question, ?”

(I begin typing up a report of the likely sale or compromise of the account as my trainer mutes his line and covers his mouth to keep from laughing.)

Caller: *correct answer, again mispronounced*

Me: “Thank you very much!” *look to the trainer, who’s biting his hand but nods as I lock the account for investigation* “What can I do for you?”

Caller: “Well, I’m on vacation in California–” *caller is calling from LA on an account registered to Boston* “–and I left my credit card at home, so my account’s expired. Is there any way you could tell me the credit card number on the account?”

Me: *quickly muting the call as several of my fellow employees are now laughing* “I’m so sorry to hear, but if you like we can associate your account with another card that you do have.”

Caller: “No, I left my wallet at home and don’t have any of my cards. I need that card so I can play again.”

Me: “Is there nobody you know who can go to your home and retrieve it? Having a vacation without any funds can’t be easy.”

Caller: “No, I want that card’s number. Give it to me.”

Me: “Well, I’m afraid we only have the last four digits visible. The rest is encrypted.”

Caller: “What? This is horrible service! I demand you tell me my full card!”

Me: *muting again as several coworkers are leaving the room; they know where this is going* “Sir, I’m afraid that the encryption is for your security. This protects against potential credit fraud.”

Caller: “I don’t care! I’m the customer. I called customer service! Service me!”

Me: “If you can visit one of several common stores in the area, they can sell you a time card, but I’m unable to share any credit card information on the account with you except for the last four digits and the expiration date; anything else is encrypted, and our company would be in breach of several consumer safety laws if it weren’t.”

Caller: “Fine! I’ll tell all my friends about how awful you’ve been. You’ve just lost over a hundred customers!”

Me: “I understand. I do hope you enjoy the rest of your vacation, Mr.—“ *copies caller’s pronunciation of customer’s name* “Have a good day.” *disconnect the call*

Trainer: “I don’t know whether to write you up or commend you for that.”

Me: “Thank you for calling. Can I please start by getting your member ID number?”

Caller: “Is that the one that says ‘group ID number,’ or the one that says ‘customer service number,’ or…”

Me: “Well, that one’s the phone number you just dialed. It should say ‘member ID number.’”

Caller: “Okay, but I have two of them. One says ‘group ID’ and another that says ‘member ID.’ Which one is it?”

Me: “…”