Dr. Jekyll And Mrs. Hyde

, , | Right | August 14, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling. This is [My Name]. How may I help you today?”

Customer: *cheerful* “I need you to check my account.”

Me: “Certainly, I’d be happy to do that for you. May I have your identification number so I can look you up in our system, please?”

Customer: “My what? Why would you want that? Don’t you know who I am?”

Me: “Unfortunately not, ma’am. We have no real way of knowing who is on the other end of the line unless you give us either that number or your social security number.”

Customer: *suddenly demonic* “HOW DARE YOU! YOU’RE ONE OF THOSE TERRORISTS, AREN’T YOU?!”

Me: “Um… excuse me?”

Customer: “YOU want my social so you can steal my identity, don’t you? That’s why you called me, to steal my credit score, you little punk!”

Me: “Ma’am, you called me. This is your insurance company. Just read me the number on the front of your card so I can look up your account information.”

Customer: *suddenly cheerful again* “Oh, is that all? Why didn’t you just say so? My number is [number].”

Me: “Ma’am, it seems your account is handled by a different department than mine. Would you like me to give you their direct number before I transfer you?”

Customer: *back to demonic* “YOU TRICKED ME! You tricked me out of my information! I’m calling the FBI on you, you little c***!”

Me: *transfers call*

(I have never been so happy to transfer a caller. I logged the call, and later that day received an internal office email from some rep in another part of the state. All it said was “WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?”)

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Holy F***, Indeed

, , , | Right | August 14, 2008

Customer: “You f****** b****! I’ll have your f****** a** fired for this!”

Me: “Sir, I do not appreciate your abusive language. If you do not knock it off, I am going to have to hang up on you.”

Customer: “I’m sorry. I’m really not usually like this.”

(I help with the customer’s problem, which involves some downtime while the website processes his request.)

Customer: “So, where are you?”

Me: “We’re based out of Utah.”

Customer: “I’m in Van Nuys, California. Do you know where that is, lady?”

Me: “I actually do. I lived there for six months.”

Customer: “No s***! What were you doing here?”

Me: “I was a Mormon missionary.”

Customer: “And what is your name?”

Me: *gives name*

Customer: “Holy f***. I know you. I’m the bishop!”

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Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained

, | | Right | August 7, 2008

Caller: “I have an explanation of insurance benefits I need help with. There’s a charge on here you didn’t pay for.”

Me: “It states here the billed amount is $0.00.”

Caller: “Yes. Why didn’t you pay anything on it?”

Me: “Well, there was no charge.”

Caller: “But you’re my insurance! You are supposed to pay.”

Me: “Ma’am, the doctor did not charge for this service. There was no amount billed.”

Caller: “So I have to pay the doctor?”

Me: “No, ma’am… he charged zero dollars. It was free.”

Caller: “I don’t see why I pay for insurance if you’re not going to pay.”

Me: “We gave the doctor what he asked for.”

Caller: “So you’re going to pay him?”

Me: *sigh* “Yes, ma’am. We’ll take care of this, and make sure you’re not charged.”

Caller: “Ha! I told my husband if I called and argued with you, you’d cave!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. We do want to make you happy. Have a good day now…”

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America’s Debt Crisis, Explained

| | Right | August 4, 2008

Me: “Thank you for calling cardholder service, how may I help you?”

Customer: “You sent me a bill. Why?”

Me: “May I please have your card number?”

Customer: “I threw it away when the balance was gone.”

Me: “Um… can I have your social security number?”

Customer: *gives number*

Me: “I show your current balance is $10,027.31, due on 07/25/2008. Would you like to make a payment today so you do not get a late fee?”

Customer: “What do you mean? Why did you send me a bill?”

Me: “Sir, because you purchased those items you are required to repay the account.”

Customer: “No. You gave me the money, so I spent it.”

Me: “A credit card is a short term loan. You are required to pay it back.”

Customer: “No, I’m not!” *click*

(This is the third call like this in the past month.)

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I Know You Are But What Am I

, , , | Right | August 1, 2008

Debtor: “It’s not my fault the payment didn’t go through; your system stuffed up.”

Me: “No, it didn’t; the message from the bank we have here clearly states ‘Invalid Transaction.'”

Debtor: “No, it doesn’t.”

Me: ” Actually, it does. I see here your credit card has expired.”

Debtor: “No, it hasn’t.”

Me: “I mean, the one we have on file. I can update this right now.”

Debtor: “It’s not my fault. You refused the payment.”

Me: “The bank, your financial institution, reversed the payment.”

Debtor: “No, they didn’t.”

Me: “Yes, they did. Why would we refuse a payment? Your bank reversed it. We need to update those details.”

Debtor: “No, you don’t.”

Me: “Please stop simply contradicting me.”

Debtor: “I’m not contradicting you.”

Me: “Yes, you are.”

Debtor: “No, I’m not!”

Me: *eye-twitch*

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