Full Of Hot Air

| | Right | July 14, 2009

(Propane can only be stored in tanks up to 80% capacity. This is because when the tank gets warm, the gas expands a little. Thus, we leave a 20% buffer.)

Me: “Hi, how can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to lodge a complaint. Your driver keeps cheating me on gas.”

Me: “Oh? How so?”

Customer: “Well, he only fills it to 80%.”

Me: “Oh, we only fill it to 80% to allow it expand on hot days.”

Customer: “That’s bulls***! I want a full tank of gas.”

Me: “We can’t do that, ma’am. If we fill it to 100%, the gas has nowhere to go when it expands. Your tank might rupture.”

Customer: “You’re lying, I want my 100%! In fact, since you keep screwing me over, I want a 120% filled in that tank!”

Me: “Ma’am, it is physically impossible to fill something 120% of capacity. We’d blow up your tank.”

Customer: “Then tell your driver to leave the extra 20% in a bucket beside the house!”

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Shoot First, Worry About Living Later

| | Right | July 13, 2009

(I work for a propane company, and I had the following customer call in one day.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ****, how can I help you?”

Customer: “Your damn tank is hissing at me!”

Me: “Well, that sounds like a gas leak sir. How large is the leak, and can you see where it’s coming from?”

Customer: “It’s coming from the d*** hole in the tank where I shot it!”

Me: …you shot our propane tank?”

Customer: “How else was I suppose to get the gas out?”

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Suddenly, Everything Just Clicked

, | | Right | July 13, 2009

(I am helping an elderly caller troubleshoot her computer issue, and I ask her to unplug her router. I hear a strange noise, after which her voice sounds very distant.)

Caller: “Okay, it’s unplugged.”

Me: “You sound really far away, ma’am. Did you drop the phone or something?”

Caller: “No, all I did was open the window… oh!”

(The caller starts laughing hysterically, and I can now hear her clearly.)

Me: “What happened, ma’am?”

Caller: “I was accidentally holding the mouse to my ear instead of the phone!”

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He Auto Know Better

| | Right | July 6, 2009

(We take calls from all over the USA and Canada from people needing roadside assistance. This particular call was taken by a co-worker.)

Co-worker: “What is wrong with your vehicle that you need it towed?”

Customer: “I put it up on a flat.”

Co-worker: “I’m sorry? You put it up on a flat…?”

Customer: “Yeah. I put it up on a flat.”

Co-worker: “What exactly is wrong with it?”

Customer: “I put it up on a flat! You know, I have a dead battery and 3 flat tires.”

Co-worker: “Oh, OK. Is that vehicle a two-wheel-drive or a four-wheel-drive?”

Customer: “It’s a one-wheel drive. I told you I had 3 flat tires! Do you know anything about cars?!”

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The Caped Crusader In His Spare Time

| | Right | July 6, 2009

(Our call center specializes in courtesy calls to new Health Care Members. We could only speak with the account holder.)

Me: *on the phone* “Hello. Is **** available?”

Man: “I’m Batman.”

Me: “That’s…fine, sir, but is **** there?”

Man: “I’m Batman.”

Me: “I understand that, but for the purposes of my call, I have to speak with ****. Can you please tell me if she’s available?”

Man: “I’m Batman.”

Me: “I’m near a window, and I can see the bat symbol. While you go to meet the Commissioner, could you hand the phone to ****?”

Man: “…” *click*

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