I answer a customer call that has been escalated to me by another agent. The caller wants to return a printer some months after it was purchased.

Me: “Do you have a receipt?”

Caller: “No.”

I use some creative searching, and I am able to look it up and email him a copy to boot. The official return limit is two weeks, but in actuality, the computer will let you do up to thirty days, and a manager (I am one) can override just about any time length if we have a good enough reason.

Looking up the receipt in his customer account, I can also see that he was a jerk to the associate who originally answered the phone.

Me: *Flatly* “The return limit is two weeks, and we can’t help you. I suggest that you call the manufacturer since it probably has a one-year warranty through them.”

Caller: *Yelling* “It’s ridiculous that I can’t return it!”

Me: “If you know of a store that lets you return electronics six months after you bought them, you let me know because I’d love to shop there. Our limit is two weeks.”

Theoretically, I could have helped him — I’ve done returns that were older than that — but not after he chewed out the other associate and then me. Now he can go shop at our competition.

Related:
You Catch More Flies With Honey Than Vinegar, Part 5
You Catch More Flies With Honey Than Vinegar, Part 4
You Catch More Flies With Honey Than Vinegar, Part 3
You Catch More Flies With Honey Than Vinegar, Part 2
You Catch More Flies With Honey Than Vinegar

Caller: “Does Alaskan Airlines fly to Alaska?”

Me: “You’re asking me if Alaskan Airlines… flies to Alaska?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Yes, sir. Alaskan Airlines flies to Alaska.”

Caller: “Oh, good. I knew you flew from Alaska, but I was worried about getting back…”

Me: “Thank you for calling. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Can you hum the tune to that Taylor Swift song?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Caller: “That Taylor Swift song! She says ‘hi’ and then how she’s a problem.”

Me: “You want me to sing that song?”

Caller: “No! Hum it. I forgot how it goes.”

Me: “Ma’am, you are calling [Bank].”

Caller: “Yes, but I need that tune! It’s bank-related, I swear.”

Against my better judgment, and quietly enough so that I don’t get strange looks from my coworkers, I hum the chorus tune to Taylor Swift’s song “Anti-Hero.”

Caller: *Singing along* “Five… it’s three, nine the problem, it’s three… Got it! Thanks!” *Click*

Did she just remember her PIN using a Taylor Swift song? And say it out loud to me? Looks like someone is going to get a forced PIN change in the mail…

We all know that every job comes with a bunch of jokes that might or might not be funny (even when you understand them).

The helpdesk is not an exception, and that’s why one day our manager felt it necessary to tell us this.

Manager: “If a customer is complaining that he is not able to log in, please don’t joke that he is fired. There are a lot of people being laid off recently; you might be on point.”

I work in the customer service center for a large convention center. I get a call from someone trying to get to us from the airport. It is my last day before leaving and going to college, and my patience for stupid has run out.

Me: “Okay, sir, if you’re at the airport, I need you to follow the signs to the freeway and take the lane heading to [City].”

Caller: “I can’t see anything.”

Me: “You can’t see the signs to the freeway?”

Caller: “I can’t see anything! You need to tell me where to go!”

Me: “You’re at the airport, right? What can you see?”

Caller: “No, I left the airport already! I’m driving! I can’t see anything! You need to tell me where to go!”

Me: “What can you see? What signs are you seeing as you drive?”

Caller: “No! There’s nothing! I can’t see anything! I need directions!”

Me: “Sir, please just look for any road sign or street name and—”

Caller: “No! Why aren’t you listening!? There is nothing! I can’t see anything! I’m just driving, but there’s nothing here! Give me directions and get me out of here!” 

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it sounds like you’ve left our dimension and are now driving through a void between realities. Please call back when you find yourself back in a recognizable manifold.” *Click*