Tapping Here Does Not Compute

, , , | Right | October 8, 2018

(I used to work for a high-call volume third-party call center for a makeup store. Keep in mind that we cannot take orders over the phone, just online or in-store. It’s not uncommon for customers to call in with questions about our catalog that we send out monthly or the items in them.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company] Guest Services. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Hi, I would like to order a few things from your catalog.”

Me: “Perfect! Do you have any questions about a specific item?”

Customer: “I’m looking at page 52 and I want to order [Expensive Perfume], but when I tap it, nothing happens.”

(I’m thinking that she is on our website and has her physical catalog with her and is trying to add the perfume to her online cart.)

Me: “I apologize for the inconvenience. I can definitely help you with that. You have the perfume pulled up on the website?”

Customer: “What website?”

Me: “Our website, www.[Company].com. Just go there and on the search bar write the name of the perfume you are looking for. I’ll wait on the line while you do this and then proceed with the next steps.”

Customer: “You don’t understand, I chose it, but nothing happens. I have the catalog right here and nothing happens when I tap the perfume.”

(That’s when it dawns on me: The customer is literally tapping the picture of the perfume ON the physical catalog.)

Me: “Ma’am, are you touching the perfume on the catalog with your finger?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “By any chance, are you using a computer?”

Customer: “I don’t have one. Your phone number is on the bottom of the page, so I called because this catalog is not working!”

Me: *trying very very hard to contain my laughter while my co-workers are looking at me* “Unfortunately, ma’am, you will need to use a computer to place your order or go into any of our stores. We do not have the technology to directly choose items from our paper catalog to place orders.”

(The customer remains quiet, thinking.)

Me: “Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Customer: “So I can’t order through your catalog?”

Me: “Not that way, but you may definitely call us back once you have access to a computer or you may go into our stores and buy your perfume.”

(The customer let out a heavy sigh, said her thanks, and hung up. My coworkers and I had to go on a short break just so we could stop crying from the laughter.)

Gonna Put Them Down As Slightly Against It

, , , , | Right | October 5, 2018

(I work at a market research centre where we call people and do surveys. At the moment we’re doing ones on behalf of the local government about nuclear energy. It’s a pretty touchy topic with some people, as it’s about storing nuclear waste.)

Me: “Hi. My name is [My Name] from [Company]. The local government has commissioned us to get the views and opinions of the public on the nuclear industry. Would you be able to share your opinions?”

Resident: “No, I will f****** well not! I am totally against the government wasting their money to pay you to call us up to ask stupid questions! They should be spending that money on more health care for us!”

(At this stage, I go, “Thank you very much, then. Bye,” and hang up, but I am near the end of my tether.)

Me: “Sir, it’s just getting your opinions on the nuclear industry—”

Resident: “Well, I don’t f****** agree with it! They’re going to put it on our land and not even bother consulting us about it!”

Me: “Sir, that is the purpose of these surveys—”

Resident: “Oh, I don’t need a f****** high and mighty university student telling me what to do! A waste of f****** money, you are. You want to hear my opinion? The nuclear industry is a crock of s*** and they should be consulting with us! That’s my opinion! Tell the government that!”

Me: “Sir, if you don’t do the survey, then your opinion in this matter doesn’t count because I have no way to record it. And also, by doing these surveys, the government is trying to consult with you.”

Resident: “It f****** well better count! I have rights and I will be heard! The f****** government should get its head out of its a** and give more funding to us, ‘cause we need it more! And stop paying stuck up b****es like you to call us up for f****** surveys or whatever.”

Me: “Once again, your opinion does not matter since you’re refusing to take part in the survey. I’ve had enough of you. Good day.”

(I could hear him start to violently protest when I hung up. I’m glad I don’t work for commission and know I have the right to hang up if I wish.)

A Lack Of Military Intelligence, Part 3

, , , | Right | October 4, 2018

(I work tech support for a small US-based cell phone company. A customer calls in with an issue with the phone’s clock.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. This is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “Sometimes my phone is in military time, and sometimes it’s not.”

Me: “Oh, okay. Is there a pattern? Are there certain times it shows military time?”

Customer: “Yes, actually. It shows the regular time between like midnight and noon, but as soon as it’s one pm it goes into military time until midnight again.”

A Lack Of Military Intelligence, Part 2
A Lack Of Military Intelligence

Making This Whole Process Overdrawn

, , , , , , | Right | October 4, 2018

(A policyholder has recently purchased an insurance policy and chosen the monthly payment option with payments withdrawn automatically from his checking account.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. [My Name] speaking; how can I assist you today?”

Customer: “My name is [Customer], and you people have really messed up, and I’m mad! You need to fix this right now!”

Me: “I have your policy information pulled up and would be glad to help in any way I can. Please explain what has happened.”

Customer: “I’ve only had my policy a month, and you’ve already taken another payment from my checking account. Why did you take more money? I already paid for my policy!”

Me: “You purchased the policy just over a month ago, and your payments are due each month on the same day as your policy started. We submitted the request on [date], as per the agreement. What seems to be the problem?”

Customer: “My checking account is now overdrawn, and it’s your fault. I didn’t give you permission to take any money!”

Me: “Actually, you did. When you signed up for insurance, you paid for only one month of coverage, agreed to monthly payments, provided the routing number and account number for your checking account, and signed a form agreeing to the terms for electronic payments. You were also provided with a schedule, and we sent you email reminders of the date and amount both ten days and three days prior to the withdrawal, even though we are not required by the contract to do so. It is not our error that your account is now overdrawn, and there is nothing I can do to fix it.”

Customer: “Yeah, yeah, I get all that, but why did you take money from my account?”

Me: “Because that’s the way monthly automatic payments work?!”

Customer: “F*** you!”

Shoot Them A Joke If You Shoot Me Some Insulin

, , , , | Right | October 2, 2018

(I work for a company that does underwriting for loan programs in other states, and thus talk to a lot of contractors. I’m also a type-two diabetic who occasionally has blood sugar crashes. I’ve just explained to a contractor what he needs in order to get paid on a job, which his client insists has already been taken care of, and I am feeling the light-headed wooziness that comes with a blood sugar crash.)

Me: *trying to get through the call quickly to go get something to eat* “Is there anything else I can help you with today, sir?”

Contractor: “Yeah… Could you just shoot me?”

Me: “Sir, I can’t do that; it’s illegal. Also, you’re in New Jersey and I’m in Wisconsin; that’s crossing state lines, and I don’t want to get the FBI involved.”

Coworker: *snorts, then starts laughing*

Contractor: *quiet for a second, then bursts out laughing* “Fair enough! Have a good night!”

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