(I work for a major cell phone provider in the US as a customer service agent in a call center. Throughout my time working for this company I have had some major crazies call in and demand things for the craziest reasons. This one is my favorite.)

Me: “Thank you for calling. This is [My Name]. Can I have your name, please?”

Customer: “It’s [Customer] and I have been on hold for over an hour!”

(Today is actually a rather slow day, and I have had some time between calls, so the guy is clearly full of it.)

Me: “I am sorry about that, sir. We can’t predict the amount of call volume that we are going to have.”

Customer: “I don’t care; I demand compensation for the time I wasted on hold!”

Me: “Sir, that is not a valid reason to credit an account, but at the end of the call, I will see what I can do for you. What is the reason for your call today?”

Customer: “TO GET MY CREDIT!”

Me: “Were you supposed to get a credit from a rep and it never showed up?”

Customer: “NO! ARE YOU DEAF? I WANT MY CREDIT FOR WAITING ON HOLD!”

Me: “Wait. You are saying you called in and waited on hold to get credit… for waiting on hold?

Customer: YES!”

Me: *face-desk*

(We move from Edmonton, Alberta — in western Canada — to Halifax, Nova Scotia — on the east coast. My husband is a lifelong fan of the Edmonton sports teams, but they are seldom on TV here; we tend to get games that eastern teams are playing in, instead. So, my husband buys a specialty sports streaming package that guarantees it will broadcast all the games he wants to see. When the first game is supposed to be on, he tries to stream it and gets a notice that it is blacked out for our area. Frustrated, my husband calls the service provider.)

Husband: “I specifically subscribed to this streaming service to watch Edmonton games, and I want to know why they are blacked out for our area.”

Call Centre Rep: “The teams are suffering from low turnout, so a certain number of games have been blacked out ‘in the local area’ to encourage more fans to attend the games in person.”

Husband: “But I am not ‘in the local area.’ We are 3700km away. There’s no way we can just pop in to watch a game.”

Call Centre Rep: “I’m sorry, sir, but Halifax is considered the local area for Edmonton games.”

Husband: “I want to speak to a supervisor.”

(The supervisor told him the same thing: we couldn’t access blacked-out “local” games to encourage us to buy tickets and go watch them live. My husband gave up and cancelled his subscription. The worst part? The call centre was in Montreal, which is directly between Edmonton and Halifax. When my husband asked them if THEY could just pop in to Edmonton to see a game, they told him no, Edmonton and Montreal were too far apart, but they couldn’t understand that Halifax and Edmonton are also too far apart, even though Halifax is even farther from Edmonton than Montreal is!)

Customer: “Hi, I have a question about my order.” 

Me: “Great! Do you have your order number?”

Customer: “Yep!”

Me: “…”

Customer: “…”

Me: “…Can I have it?”

Customer: “Oh? You want it? Hold on, let me go get it.”

Me: “Thanks for calling [Company]. This is [My Name]; how can I help you?”

Caller: “I’m an extremely elderly woman, and I’m having trouble placing an order on your new website.”

Me: “I’d be happy to place that order for you over the phone. Could I please get your email address to bring up your account?”

(All the customers for this particular company need to register accounts, which are linked to an email.)

Caller: “I don’t have one. I’m too old; I don’t do computers. I have my kids do that stuff for me.”

Me: “I do need to bring up your account. Is it listed under one of your kids’ emails, perhaps?”

Caller: “Well, I actually do have an email address, but I hate giving it out.”

Me: *thinking she’s afraid of scams* “I can assure you, the only thing I’ll be using it for is to locate your account. It’ll be okay to tell us, and after the order, I’ll clear my screen.”

Caller: “Well, it’s [Caller]lovesto[vulgar word for intercourse]@[email].”

Me: *spends the rest of the call struggling not to lose it laughing*

Me: “I’d like to rent a truck for four days, but the website will only let me book it for one day.”

Agent: “That’s because it’s a busy time, so we limit all the in-town rentals to 24 hours.”

Me: “There’s no way to get extra days?”

Agent: “Only if you were taking the truck on a one-way trip.”

Me: “Okay, in that case, I will pick it up in [My City] and return it to [City one hour away].”

Agent: “No problem! There we go… four days booked, and your total is [amount].”

Me: “Thanks.”

Agent: “By the way, there’s a 50% discount on a one-way rental if you return the truck to the same city you picked it up in.”

Me: “Ooookay, then, I… will return it to… [My City]?”

Agent: “All right, I’ve changed that, and your new total is [half amount]!”