Oh, Good Heavens

| Newport, UK | Working | December 14, 2012

(My boyfriend is having a conversation with a coworker regarding the then-new scandal about Rupert Murdoch.)

Coworker: “Have you heard about this new scandal about the News of the World?”

My Boyfriend: “Oh, you mean about that guy who owns The Sun?”

Coworker: “What?”

My Boyfriend: “You know, he owns The Sun newspaper.”

Coworker: “Oh! I thought you meant…” *flicks her eyes up to the sky*

Freedom From Idiots Isn’t Free

| Washington, DC, USA | Right | December 13, 2012

(I work customer service for a website that has no fee to use it. It’s completely free.)

Me: “This is [company name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I signed up for your site, but I don’t want to pay for it!”

Me: “Well, sir, our site is completely free to use, so you don’t have to pay for it.”

Customer: “You say that, and then you’ll charge my credit card! The free is just a free trial, right? Then I have to pay! I don’t want you charging my card!”

Me: “Sir, there’s no place to enter your credit card number on our website.”

Customer: “I know! I’m not stupid!”

Me: “Then how would we charge your card if we don’t have the information?”

Customer: “You’ll just do it! I know how things work!”

Me: “Okay, sir. I promise we won’t charge your credit card, which we don’t have, for anything.”

Customer: “Was that so hard? Jesus!” *hangs up*

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Polly Want A Chromosome

, | USA | Right | December 11, 2012

(I work at my University’s call center, soliciting donations from alumni. We are required to update alums on school news. I’m describing the new biology building to one alum.)

Alum: “Can I use it?”

Me: “The building? Well, it is mainly for current students and faculty, but you are always welcome for a guided tour.”

Alum: “I want to clone my parrot.”

Me: “Pardon me, what was that?”

Alum: “My parrot. It died. But I saved its body in my freezer. I want to clone it.”

Me: “Ma’am, even if alumni were able to use the building, our facility does not have the equipment necessary to clone your parrot.”

Alum: “No! You don’t understand! It was exceptional; it would stack rings and cups for hours. I want you to clone it.”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m actually a biology major, and I assure you, we cannot clone your parrot.”

Alum: “Well, I’m going to contact the Biology Department. They’ll be more helpful than you are!”

(I’ve always wondered if she did, and if so, what they thought of the request!)

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Let’s Hope They Have A Higher Calling

| CA, USA | Working | December 9, 2012

Caller: “Hi, is this [my name]?”

Me: “Yes, it is.”

Caller: “I’m calling regarding your bill for [service performed 8 months ago].”

Me: “Fantastic. I need you to call my mother about that. We’ve contacted you a number of times to dispute the charges, and each time I talked to your representative about changing both the address and phone number on my file to hers. I’ve authorized her at least half a dozen times to answer all billing and service related questions.”

Caller: “Ma’am, we’re not authorized. You have to be the one—”

Me: “I just explained to you that you ARE authorized to call her.”

Caller: “Oh, right. I see her on your account. Is she [her name]?”

Me: “Yes.”

Caller: “Well, in that case, you’re going to have to have her call us. As she is not authorized on the account, I cannot copy her phone number into your file.”

Me: “Why can’t I give you her phone number right now so that you can call her? I assure you she’s authorized. I understand that your department loses every piece of paper we’ve sent you in regards to this account, but I’m telling you right now, over the phone, that you CAN call her and that she CAN answer your questions. She’s also made it clear that she will not call you again, as her calls never accomplish anything and messages are never unreturned.”

Caller: “Okay. Well, ma’am, that’s all fine, so please just have her call us.”

Me: “Why can’t you call her?”

Caller: “Oh, well, we’re a call center and we don’t make calls.”

Me: “…Did you not just call me?!”

Caller: “Well, yeah. But only to settle a billing dispute.”

Me: “AND THAT IS WHY I’M REFERRING YOU TO HER.”

Caller: “Well, we’re probably not going to call her. But we need our money. Goodbye.”

There Heart’s Really Into This Job

| Florida, USA | Working | December 7, 2012

(One of my jobs is to call new reps, welcome them, and make sure they know the ropes. A good 75% of outgoing welcome calls end up going to voice mail. However, this one answers.)

Me: “Hi! This is (me) from (company), calling to welcome you to the team!”

New Rep: “Hi… it’s not really a good time right now.”

Me: “I’m so sorry about that. Is there a better time for us to call?”

New Rep: “Well, I just had a heart attack and the paramedics are here now, so you’ll have to call later.”

Me: “Oh! I’m so sorry. I hope you feel better, and we’ll talk to you soon!”

(For future reference to all: if you’ve just had a heart attack and the paramedics are there, you ARE allowed to let it drop to voice mail!)

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