In Every Relationship, There’s Give And Tray

| New Jersey, USA | Working | January 17, 2013

(I am the submitter of Wireless and Clueless. My other users are similarly… challenged. Today, I hear a lot of slamming and bashing. So, I follow the sound to the printer at the end of my aisle, where one of my trouble users is kicking and slamming the printer.)

Coworker: “F***ing thing won’t print!”

Me: “Dude. Calm down. Beating it up won’t help.”

Coworker: “But it won’t print! I need this report to be submitted today, but this f***ing thing won’t print!”

Me: “Does the display say ‘PC Load Letter’?”

Coworker: “Yeah. But what the f*** does that mean?”

Me: “What does the next line say?”

Coworker: “Tray 4.”

Me: “Uh huh…”

Coworker: “Where’s tray 4?”

Me: “It’s the big door at the bottom.”

Coworker: “I didn’t put paper there.”

Me: “That’s where the printer wants it. Give it what it wants.”

Coworker: “Are you sure this is a printer, and not my girlfriend?”

Hit A Wall With This Caller

| WA, USA | Right | January 17, 2013

Me: “Thank you for calling [cellphone company]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “My cell phone isn’t powering on.”

Me: “Well, let’s see what’s going on with that.”

(After troubleshooting the problem turns out to be a warranty issue. Unfortunately, the customer’s warranty has run out.)

Customer: “Well, is there anything I can do? Don’t I have insurance on my phone?”

Me: “Yes you do, but the insurance only covers physical damage or a lost or stolen phone.”

(Suddenly, I hear a load crash over the phone.)

Me: “What was that?!”

Customer: “There I was, just minding my own business, when suddenly my wall tried to attack me! My phone, knowing it was about to die, heroically jumped in front of me taking the full force of the wall’s assault. Sadly, it has now broken in half.”

Me: “Well! Let me get you over to our insurance department while you prepare a Viking funeral for our brave hero!”

Customer: “Do I actually need to burn it?”

Me: “No, but it will drive the insurance people crazy!”

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Calling Them Out(age)

| Plymouth, England, UK | Right | January 16, 2013

(It is the final few hours of my twelve hour shift. We have a scheduled system outage, which customers have been warned about for some time. There is a message whenever a customer dials, long before they have to select all of their options to reach us, informing them of the outage and the fact that apart from giving information, no one on the company can perform any action as there are NO computers. As a result, we get maybe one call every hour.)

Me: “Hello, you’re through to the billing department. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I would like to pay my son’s bill, please. He’s been cut off.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, but there is nothing I can do for you this evening due to the scheduled outage. If you would like to call back tomorrow—”

Customer: “Isn’t there someone else who can do it?”

Me: “No, I’m sorry. The whole company is out at this time.”

Customer: “What about in India?”

Me: “I’m sorry. As I’ve said, the whole company is out until about midday tomorrow, as per the message—”

Customer: “What about a manager? I need to pay this! My son’s phone has been cut off!”

Me: “I understand your frustration, but there are no computer systems at all in the whole company. That means Plymouth, the call centres in North Tyneside, the fraud department in Bristol, and our colleagues in Mumbai.”

Customer: “This is completely unacceptable! How am I meant to know about this? What is my son supposed to do? He is cut off! You are deliberately not helping me! I demand to speak to your manager! I—”

Me: “You know what? I am a very good CSR. I do my job well. I am tired of having this conversation with someone who is being willfully ignorant. You have been warned about this outage for the last month, and to get to me you had to bypass at least two messages informing you of the problem. I have explained several times that the entire company is out. And you are completely right, I don’t care that your son was cut off, because you have had over a month to make this payment and it is extremely late. If you wish to avoid this situation in future I suggest you pay on time. Good night.”

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What The Health Is Their Problem

| Sydney, Australia | Working | January 10, 2013

Operator: “Hello, my name is [name]. How can I help you with your inquires with [company] today?”

Me: “I was actually given wrong information by your department for my public transport cone coin card. I was told it was fine to use my health care card to show I was entitled to concession fare, but apparently that’s not true I’ve been hit with a $200 fine. I’d like to see about applying for a concession card and help with getting the fine waived as I was provided incorrect information.”

Operator: “But you just need to show your health care card. That’s enough.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but it isn’t. There’s a $200 fine here that disagrees with you.”

Operator: “But the health care card shows you are entitled to concession fare.”

Me: “That’s what I was told and I was still fined. I’ve spoken to the rail company. They said that the health care card wasn’t enough.”

Operator: “Obviously, they have no idea what they’re talking about!”

Me: “There’s also a pamphlet by your organisation that explains this. Apparently, the health care card is good for concession in every other state but mine.”

Operator: “But the health care card is…” *sighs* “What do you want ME to do about it?!”

Me: “I need to apply for the concession card and I need help getting this fine waived as it was provided with wrong information.”

Operator: “It might be easier if you just paid it. You must have been doing something wrong.”

Me: “$200 is half my fortnightly payment. I can’t afford that, and I’m not inclined to pay it as I was given it based on wrong information given by your organisation.”

Operator: “You’re not being very helpful here. There’s nothing I can do if you’re not helpful!” *hangs up*


Policy No Evil, Speak No Evil

| ON, Canada | Right | January 10, 2013

(The call centre I work at specializes in roadside assistance. We have a script to follow to ensure that we get the customer the proper service. This call comes in at 9:20, ten minutes before the end of my shift.)

Me: “Thank you for calling roadside assistance. How may I help you today?”

Caller: “My car won’t open!”

Me: “Okay, I can certainly help with that. May I have your policy number?”

Caller: “Why do you need that?”

Me: “So I can access your policy and confirm coverage.”

Caller: “Fine! It’s [number].”

Me: “Thank you. And may I have your first and last name?”

Caller: “Just send someone!”

Me: “I’d be happy to, ma’am, but first I need to verify the information in our files.”

Caller: “I gave you my policy number! You don’t need anything else!”

(We actually can’t go forward in the program without the customer’s name. I explain that to her and she eventually confirms her name.)

Me: “I’m showing that you’re in Texas. And what is the year, make, and model of your vehicle, ma’am?”

Caller: “You don’t need that! Stop asking so many questions! Just unlock my car!”

Me: “Ma’am, in order to send out service, we have to know what type of vehicle needs to be unlocked. Different vehicles require different equipment.”

(She argues with me for 5 more minutes. At this point, I am supposed to be off about 20 minutes ago. She finally confirms the vehicle.)

Me: “What colour is that vehicle?”

Caller: “God d*** it! Why are you asking so many questions?! I use this service all the time! They never ask me so many questions! Send me service now!”

Me: *losing patience* “Look, Ms. [name]. We are required to ask these questions on every single call, so when you called us last time, you were most definitely asked all of this. If you want me to send someone to you right now, they’ll never find you because not only will they not know what car to look for, but they’ll be driving around the whole of Texas, since you haven’t told me where you are. Now, if you’ll answer the rest of my questions, I can dispatch someone to your location. Otherwise, I suggest you find a large rock.”

(After that, she answered every question with no problem, and I found a locksmith who could be there in 15 minutes. The next day, I got an email from another rep saying that the woman had called back in to apologize for how she treated me!)

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