Get A Life

| Alabama, Canada | Technology, Uncategorized

Caller: “My friend told me that there is something better than the TV service I have right now.”

(I have been looking at his account for over 20 minutes. He has full HD TV service.)

Me: “Well, you have full HD TV. The only thing better would be to upgrade to a Personal Video Recorder.”

Caller: “No, I don’t want one of those. I want better picture on my TV!”

Me: “You have better picture on your TV. You have HD TV.”

Caller: “No! You don’t understand. My friend told me that there is something better than what I have. I want that! What is it?”

(Note: this was before 3D TV was available.)

Me: “Well, there is talk of things like 3D TV, but the technology is a ways away. It’s not something available now. You currently have the best thing available on the market today.”

Caller: “No! There is something better! What is better than HD TV?”

Me: “The only thing better than HD TV is real life.”

Caller: “Real life? Well, how do I get that?”

No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 4

| Ohio, USA | Extra Stupid, Uncategorized

(After unlocking the caller’s account and beginning to explain when it can be used.)

Me: “Okay, sir. The account will be unlocked in a half hour.”

Caller: “Okay, I’m in Florida, where y’all located?”

Me: “Sir, we are in Ohio.”

Caller: “Okay. So is that 30 minutes Central or 30 minutes Eastern?”

No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 3
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 2
No Fortitude For Longitude
No Aptitude For Latitude

Inching Away From Intelligence

| Ireland | Uncategorized

Customer: “Hi. I’d like to return my 13″ laptop please.”

Me: “Alright. Any particular reason you want to return it?”

Customer: “I thought the screen would be bigger, so I want to buy a larger one instead.”

Me: “So you thought your 13″ laptop was going to have a bigger screen?”

Customer: “Yeah. When I was buying it online it said ‘widescreen’.”

Not-So-Fast Forward

| United Kingdom | Uncategorized

(I sell cable TV packages, and talk the caller through set-up. Our service offers a service where you can record programs and pause and rewind TV.)

Caller: “And can it fast-forward live TV?”

Me: “Um, no, it can’t.”

Caller: “I would have thought it could, since it can pause and rewind live TV.”

Me: “Fast-forwarding live TV is a bit different.”

Caller: “Forget I said that.”

Money To Burn

| United Kingdom | Uncategorized

Caller: “I want to know why my gas bill is so high.”

Me: “Ok, well looking at your account history I can see we have billed you accurate readings which show very high daily consumption. How many hours is your central heating in use per day?”

Caller: “I never use my heating since my boiler started smelling of gas.”

Me: “It sounds like you may have a gas leak in the property. I need you to call the gas emergency helpline as soon as you finish this call. Please extinguish any naked flames and try to turn off your electrical appliances if it is safe to do so.”

Caller: “Is the leak causing my high bill?”

Me: “How long have you been smelling gas?”

Caller: “About 5 months.”

Me: “Sir, that is a very dangerous amount of time to leave a gas leak unattended. Why did you not query this earlier?”

Caller: “It didn’t seem important.”

Me: “I cannot stress enough how important it is for you to call the emergency helpline straight away.”

Caller: “Can’t we talk about my bill first?”

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