A Pressing Issue

| USA | Extra Stupid, Technology, Uncategorized

(The customer has a standard flip phone that she wants to program.)

Me: “Ok, let’s try the automated system first, and if that doesn’t work, we will do it manually. Please dial *228, press send, and when the automated voice comes on, press 1.”

(In the background, I can hear the customer dialing, and the voice coming on. No response from the customer.)

Me: “Just press the button on your keypad that has the number ‘1’ on it, then some music will start.”

Customer: “Ok, now, how do I press ‘1’?”

Me: “Just press the button marked ‘1’”.”

Customer: “No! I know there’s a button marked ‘1’. What I’m asking is how do I press it?”

Acting Flippantly

| Halifax, NS, Canada | Extra Stupid, Technology, Uncategorized

Me: “Thanks you for calling [wireless phone company]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “You guys sent me a phone but it has no buttons, this is unbelievable! What kind of monkeys do you have working there that you don’t notice your phones have no buttons?”

(I pull up the information and immediately see the problem.)

Me: “You said the phone has no buttons correct?”

Customer: “Well, it has a couple but not the buttons with numbers!”

Me: “Okay, sir, Do you see that large crack down the middle of the phone?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Okay, sir. Pull on either side it will flip open.”

Customer: “Oh, there they are. It does have buttons. How’d you do that?”

Some Calls Really Push The Envelope

| Australia | Crazy Requests, Funny Names, Technology, Uncategorized

Me: “Hi, Welcome to the post office. How can I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, I have a problem, I deleted all the messages on my house phone, how do I get them back?”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Well I only wanted to delete one message on my phone, but they all got erased, can you help me?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but I don’t quite understand the problem. You know you have called the postal service, yes?”

Customer: “Yes.”

Me: “Well unfortunately I can’t assist you. You may need to ring the manufacturer of the phone and see how to get your messages back.”

Customer: “But it’s voice-mail! Mail! Why can’t you help me?!”

Hugh Do You Think You Are

| Tucson, AZ, USA | Funny Names, Technology, Uncategorized

Me: *wrapping up the call* “Thank’s very much Hugh! Was there anything else?”

Caller: “And what was your name? Oh Emma, right.”

Me: “My name is Uma.”

Caller: “Yuma?”

Me: “Like Uma Thurman.”

Caller: “Oh, like the actress? Are you as pretty as she is? Do you look like her?”

Me: “No. Do you look like Hugh Grant? Or Hugh Jackman?”

Caller: “Try Hugh Hefner.”

Morbid Curiosity Killed The Cat

| Utah, USA | Criminal & Illegal, Hall of Fame, Pets & Animals, Uncategorized

(I answer a crisis hot line for suicide, depression, drugs, any sort of thing they want to talk about.)

Me: “[Name of Crisis Line]. My name is [name]. Do you feel comfortable sharing your first name?”

Caller: ”Do people really ever call this line?”

Me: “Yes, they certainly do. What’s on your mind today?”

Caller: “Well that’s stupid. Do you just listen to depressed people all day?”

Me: “I listen to whatever is on their mind. That’s what we’re here for.”

Caller: “You should just tell them to off themselves.”

Me: “Sir, if you would like to speak to an operator, I’m right here. If you are prank calling us, that is a misdemeanor and we will prosecute.”

Caller: *obviously faking it* “Oh… well you see …my… um… my… cat…died.”

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