Perhaps He Would Prefer An Abacus

| Tennessee, USA | Uncategorized

(I was helping a user in one of our accounting firm’s remote offices.)

Caller: “My email isn’t working!”

Me: “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

Caller: “I already said, my email isn’t working!”

Me: “Okay, so is it not sending email, or is it not opening?”

Caller: “It’s not sending email. This is pathetic! I don’t have
time for this!”

Me: “I am here to help you. Does it say ‘connected’ at the lower right hand of the screen?”

Caller: “I don’t know, this isn’t my job! It’s yours, so fix it!”

Me: “I am trying to, sir, but I will need your help with fixing this issue remotely.”

Caller: “No, that’s not what I get paid to do. I am an accountant! I’m not supposed to know how to use a computer!”

Understating The Obvious

| Denver, CO, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [TV service], my name is ***. How may–”

Caller: “I don’t care!”

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Caller: “I don’t care what your name is! You guys are what’s driving me to start using again!”

Me: “Okay…how can I provide you with the best value and service?”

Caller: “You don’t care about that! All you care about is going home at the end of your shift and having that first sip of beer!”

Me: “Actually, ma’am, I’m 19, so I don’t drink.”

Caller: “You’re just a young punk! You should be at home with your mommy!”

Me: “Okay.”

Caller: “You’re too young to be working! You don’t know anything!”

Me: “Um…could I have your phone number so I can pull up your account?”

Caller: “No! That’s private!”

Me: “Okay, how about your name?”

Caller: “No! I won’t give you any information! You’re too young! Your brain hasn’t developed yet! Did you know it’s not done until you’re 21 or 22?”

Me: “Yes, I did know that.”

Caller: “Yeah! I’m a doctor! I’m a pediatrician!”

Me: “Okay. Well, I won’t be able to help you without your information.”

Caller: “I bet you were born with a golden spoon in your mouth!”

Me: “Um…could I have your address?”

Caller: “I don’t want you coming to my house!”

Me: “Well, how about your phone number?”

Caller: “I’ll give you my social security number instead.”

Me: “I can’t use that to access your account–”

Caller: *rattles off address surprisingly fast*

Me: “I’m sorry, I’m going to need you to be a bit slower for me.”

Caller: *rattles off address even faster*

Me: “I’m sorry, I didn’t understand you. Let me try finding it by your name.”

Caller: “I’ll give you my name, but you can’t call me that.”

Me: “Okay. Well, I can call you anything you’d like–”


(My supervisor has been listening to the call and decides that enough is enough. He takes my headset and lets the customer know that if she ever calls back, she has to be drug-free.)

Can’t See The Forest For The Airborne Trees

, | Nashville, TN, USA | Top

Me: “Thank you for calling [TV Company], how may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes, my TV is broken.”

Me: “I’ll be glad to help you today. What is wrong with your TV?”

Customer: “The picture keeps flashing on and off.”

Me: “Okay, ma’am. Can I have you check the connections on the back of your TV to make sure everything is screwed in tightly?”

Customer: “Well, the lights in my house are flashing on and off too. We’re in a tornado warning. Do you think that has something to do with it?”

They Call Me Doctor DIY

, , | New Jersey, USA | Uncategorized

(We sell dental surgical products and sometimes have to give instructions on their usage. A doctor calls in from the operating room and has me on speakerphone while they’re operating on a patient, who may or may not be under anesthesia.)

Doctor: “The screw is not going in. Which way do I turn it?”

Me: “Clockwise.”

Doctor: “Clockwise from above or below?”

Me: “If you are looking at the head of the screw, then clockwise…to the right.”

Doctor: “What do you mean to the right? Move the wrench to the right?”

Me: “As the screw turns, and you are looking at the head, the top part will go to the right.”

Doctor: “Okay, I think i got it.”

Me: “Good. Righty tighty, lefty loosey.”

Doctor: “What was that?”

Me: “Uh, righty tighty, lefty loosey? That’s one way to remember. You go to the right to tighten, and the left to loosen.”

Doctor: “Oh, I see. Righty tighty, lefty loosey!” *noise of wrench turning* “Righty tighty, lefty loosey. It’s working!”

Me: “Great. All finished?”

(The doctor suddenly speaks up much louder than before. It’s clear they’re not talking to me.)

Doctor: “You’re all done then!”

Patient: *in the distance* “Uh, thank you doctor.”

No Ifs, Ends, Or Butts

, | Kansas City, MO, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [insurance company]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “Yes. I need to know if my insurance covers a butt indent.”

Me: “I’m sorry…could you say that again?”

Customer: “I need to know if my car insurance covers a butt indent. There’s one on the hood of my car. What is that covered under and how much is my deductible?”

Me: “Um…do you know how it got there?”

Customer: “No. It looks like a small butt, though.”

Me: “Well, I can’t tell you what it would be covered under until I know how it got there. Do you know if it was the result of a collision or not?”

Customer: “What?”

Me: “You have two different deductibles for your comprehensive coverage and your collision coverage. Do you know how the…butt ended up there? ”

Customer: “No, but it’s a small butt on the hood of my car!”

Me: “Well, your comprehensive deductible is $250 and your collision is $500. Would you like me to submit a claim and let the claim adjuster handle it from here?”

Customer: “Oh no! I don’t want to make a claim. I was just wondering if it would be covered if I wanted to file one. Thanks!” *hangs up*