Signs You’re Failing At Life

| Canada | Learning | April 7, 2013

Student’s Wife: “Hello, my husband applied and he got his book to study, but it’s too long and too big. Can you give me the questions that will be on the test?”

Me: “Uhm, well at the end of the book and on our website, you can get examples of what kind of questions will be on the exam.”

Student’s Wife: “Yeah, it’s too complicated. Can’t you just give me the questions that you will ask him?”

Me: “No, that would defy the whole purpose of an exam if we gave you the questions before the actual exam.”

Student’s Wife: “So, what is he supposed to do?”

Me: “He has the book; he actually has to study it.”

Student’s Wife: “Well, that sucks!”

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This Advice Will Drive You Crazy

, | Vancouver, BC, Canada | Working | April 7, 2013

Me: “My 18-month-old got into the Baby Gravol and ate three of them before I caught her!”

Poison Control: “Okay… how much does she weigh? And how much is the dosage?”

(I give him the information.)

Poison Control: “Alright. I’ll just look that up for you…”

(A minute passes.)

Poison Control: “Okay. So… um… don’t let her drive.”

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Lifted Straight From Yogi Berra

| Wisconsin, USA | Working | April 1, 2013

(While heading for the elevators at work, I notice a woman walk in to the elevator. The doors close, but they open again right away and she gets out and pushes the elevator call button again. This happens twice in the time it takes for me to walk up.)

Woman: “I think the elevators are broken today. It won’t go anywhere when I push the button.”

(Curious, I step in the open car and push the button for my floor. The doors start closing and she hops in to see if I got it working. Sure enough, the elevator starts going up.)

Woman: “Now why wouldn’t it work for me? I’ve been trying forever, it just kept opening and closing the doors! Here…” *pushes a button* “…maybe now I can get where I’m going.”

Me: “I think I see what was wrong.”

Woman: “Oh?”

Me: “Yeah, the floor number you just pushed? That was the floor you were already on.”

Needs To Chill Out

| Auckland, New Zealand | Right | March 27, 2013

(Our company takes calls from all over the world from customers wanting help with household appliance queries.)

Me: “Welcome to the customer care centre. How may I help today?”

(An American customer starts screaming.)

Customer: “STOP WATCHING ME! BIG BROTHER IS INSIDE MY FRIDGE!”

Me: “Why do you think that, ma’am?”

Customer: “There’s this little blinking light and manic beeping coming from inside my fridge! Listen!”

(I hear a clunking noise, and the customer’s voice gets very faint. A few moments pass; the customer puts the phone to her ear again.)

Customer: “Did you hear that? I know someone is spying on me!!”

Me: “What just happened, ma’am?”

Customer: “I put ya’ll in the fridge so you could hear the noise, and see who’s spying on me!”

Me: “Well, apart from being a little chilly I didn’t hear anything. How often does the beeping occur?”

Customer: “When I have the door open! I can see the blinking light and the beeping is driving me nuts!”

Me: “Ma’am? The fridge does this to alert you to the fact that the door has been open for too long. It is so the food is kept fresh. I promise you, there is no one watching you.”

Customer: “Yes! There is someone! What are you going to do about it?”

Me: “May I ask how much you purchased your fridge for?”

Customer: “Around $1500. Why?”

Me: “Ma’am, you don’t need to worry. There is no one inside your fridge watching you. We only supply the ones with robots inside for the military, and those fridges would set you back $5000! I promise you that if you shut your fridge door firmly when it starts to beep, you won’t have any more trouble.”

(The customer breathes a sigh of relief.)

Customer: “Whew! I thought I was going nuts! Thanks hon!”

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Takes One To ETF One

| Colorado Springs, CO, USA | Working | March 21, 2013

(I’m on the phone with a caller, who is canceling his insurance policy mid-term.)

Me: “Per your request, your policy has been canceled. You’ll receive a pro-rated refund of [amount].”

Caller: “That’s not right; you owe me about $50 more than that!”

Me: “As we discussed earlier, in your situation there’s a $50 cancel fee applied.”

Caller: “It’s ridiculous to charge someone to cancel their insurance policy! I co-own a multi-million dollar telecommunications company, and we certainly don’t treat our customers like that! I’ll tell everyone I know how poorly you treated me!”

Me: “May I ask what penalties apply when your customers cancel contracts mid-term?”

Caller: *click*

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