Doctor Sue

| Manchester, UK | Top

(I am selling a replica phone box from the popular show ‘Doctor Who’ on an online auction site. In the show the phone box is actually a time machine/spaceship. I put my number on there so people can call me.)

Caller: “Hi, I was wondering about the replica phone box you are selling. Can it actually fly to other planets and go through time?”

Me: “Afraid not. It’s a replica…it’s fake.”

Caller: “Well, is it as big inside as in the show?”

Me: “No, that’s impossible to do. It’s a TV show so it’s not real.”

Caller: “What? You’re selling a replica? So it can’t fly to other planets and through time?”

Me: “No one can make it like it is on the show. It’s impossible.”

Caller: “Excuses, excuses! You lying b****!. I’m going to report you and sue!” *click*

Swimming With The Phishes

| Boston, MA, USA | Uncategorized

Caller: “I never give my card to anyone! You must have randomly charged it! I demand a refund!”

Me: “Well, I’d be happy to assist your bank in their review of these charges.”

Caller: “No you won’t! You stole my card! How did you guys get it anyways?”

(I explain here that the card was likely compromised through either a card scanner or through a phishing email. After I explain what a phishing email is, here’s what he says…)

Caller: “Wait…so could it have been that Australian Lottery that I won?”

Me: “I would say almost certainly sir.”

Caller: “So I’m not going to get that prize?”

Belaboring A Point Until It Gives Birth, Grows Up, And Has Babies Of Its Own

| Newfoundland, Canada | Uncategorized

(I work for a phone provider. If someone wants to change their number its $20, unless they are being harassed, which most of them say they are anyway to avoid paying.)

Me: “Hello. Thank you for calling ***. My name is ***. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “Hi, yes. I want to change my phone number.”

Me: “Sure thing, I can definitely help you with that. Why are you changing it? Harassment or just want something new?”

Caller: “Oh, I just want a new number.”

Me: “Sure thing. Before I continue, I should inform you It’s a $20 charge.”

Caller: “WHAT!? But I’m being harassed! Calls at all times of the night! Swearing at me! And you want to charge me? That’s outrageous!”

Me: “Sorry to hear that, sir. In cases of harassment, we do have the option to waive that charge.”

Caller: “I can’t believe you are going to charge me!”

Me: “No, sir, I’d be more than happy to remove the charge.”

Caller: “This is ridiculous!” *speaks to someone in background* “Hey! They are going to charge us $20 to change our number!”

Other person: “What!? That’s insane!”

Me: “Sir, I can waive the charge. You won’t have to pay it.”

Caller: “You are sick doing this to me. You know what? I’m going to another company. Then they will install me and give me a new number for free!”

Me: “Sir, I can waive the fee. It will be removed. You will not have to pay it. It will be $0.”

Caller: “Oh! So NOW that I’m going to another company you’ll waive it. You people are despicable! Good day!” *hangs up*

A Beeping Idiot

| London, ON, Canada | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [cellphone company], how may I help you?”

Caller: “Okay, now listen: this cellphone won’t make outgoing calls. What the h*** is wrong with it?”

Me: “I’ll check to see if there are any blocks on it or anything wrong with the account.” *beep*

Caller: “Did you hear that beep? It keeps doing that too!”

Me: “Wait, are you calling me from that cellphone?”

Caller: “Yes, why?”

Error 404: Brain Not Found

| Brisbane, CA, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Hello, how may I help today?”

Caller: “Yeah, your [software] isn’t working. It’s a virus.”

Me: “Okay, sir. What do you mean, it’s a virus?”

Caller: “Every time I put the disc in, I get a message from the computer.”

Me: “What kind of message?”

Caller: “I don’t read it. It’s a warning message so I click ‘no’.”

Me: “Okay, can you insert the disc and tell me the message?”

Caller: “Sure.”

Me: “What does it say sir?”

Caller: “Would you like to install…” *reads name of software* “… on your…” *click*