I work as a customer service representative for a redistributor. An older gentleman calls to order a food scale that has a ten-pound capacity. The platform is only a few inches wide. When he receives it, he calls me, yelling:
Caller: “How the h*** am I supposed to stand on this thing?”
I’m the author of this story. For a while, I work in a call center located in a shabby apartment. There are two rooms: one for the smokers and one for the non-smokers. One of the workers is a drama queen, barely eighteen and chain-smoking already. One day she is caught slacking and the boss transfers her to the non-smokers room as punishment. She goes to her assigned desk and starts placing calls, moaning and whining as she waits for the connection. This starts to grate on everyone else’s nerves pretty soon.
Smoker: “God, I wish I could have a smoke.”
Smoker: “It’s not fair that I can’t smoke.”
Smoker: “How am I supposed to stay here until nine and not have a smoke?”
Other Worker: “How am I supposed to stay here until nine and listen to your b****ing? Give us a rest.”
Smoker: “No, you give me a rest! You don’t get it. I’m gasping. I need to smoke! SMOKING IS BETTER THAN ANYTHING!”
There was a moment of silence and then everyone lost it, even those who were in conversation with customers. Blushing up to her hairline, the girl stood up and left. It’s the only time I saw someone actually laughed out of a room.
Related:
Relentless Puffs Of Irony
I work in the billing department of a mobile phone provider.
Me: “Good evening, how can I help?”
Customer: “Can I pay a bill, please?”
He is the clearest-spoken human being I have ever heard. He is an elderly man with an upper-class English accent. He sounds like an aristocrat.
Me: “Certainly. Can I have your name?”
Customer: “I am Lord [Customer], the Seventh Baron [Town].”
Me: “Thank you. Let me bring up your details.”
His address is an old aristocratic mansion in an affluent area.
Me: “How would you like to pay?”
Customer: “Credit card, please.”
The payment clears.
Me: “Thank you, sir. Can I help you with anything else?”
Customer: “Yes, one large gin and tonic, please.”
I am laughing. I have had customers pull my leg before, but an aristocrat? It was totally unexpected compared to the standard behaviour of many wealthy customers.
Me: “Sure, I’ll see what I can do about that. Have a great weekend!”
Customer: “Only if you do, too!”
I amended his next bill and added a surcharge: “£0.00 — gin & tonic, per customer’s request, [date]”.
I work the third-level line of an Internet provider that also rents out hardware.
A customer calls because his receiver has stopped working. He is irate because he gets the message “no signal.” Knowing our first- and second-level support and how they deal with escalated customers — pushing them up the levels until there is nowhere else to push — I’m starting my spiel with the routine checks.
Me: “Have you checked all the cables of your device?”
Customer: “You f****** c***! Do you think I am stupid? Of course I did! First thing! Those d***ed cables are fine!”
He then continues to rant about how our service sucks and how he’s had issues for weeks and called a hundred times with no results. This isn’t true; our systems log every call automatically to the accounts and I can see in his account that it’s the first time he’s called.
I patiently wait until he tires. Honestly, I don’t care about any expletives a stranger rants on the phone since I’m third-level and don’t have a call-handling time to uphold.
When he finally stops ranting, I give him my best super-service “f*** you.”
Me: “Thank you for bringing this to our attention. Please walk the next steps with me for documentation.”
I always smile when saying this to make it sound extra sweet since I know how this aggravates an irate customer without getting bad reviews from quality.
Me: “Just so I can make a special measurement of the signal, please remove the cable from your device first and then from the box at the wall. Hold it a few seconds while I’m testing the signal and then put it back in.”
This is bulls***. I just want to get him to check the cables.
Customer: *While rustling in the background* “What is it with you d***ed women trying to do tech? I’ll do your nonsense, but I’ll have your a** fired if that d—”
He trails off.
Me: “Hello? Hello, Mr. [Customer]? What happened?”
Customer: *In a strained voice* “I guess I found the mistake. We can end this call and—”
Me: *Interrupting* “I’m sorry, but I need something to put in the file. Please, what did you find?”
Customer: *Very subdued and hesitantly after a long pause* “Well, it looks like the dog chewed the cable. I’m sorry.”
I have to restrain myself from laughter at this point. So much for, “I’ve done all the basic steps.”
Me: “Well, I can issue a new one free of charge as a courtesy if you’d like? It’ll usually arrive within the next two days.”
Customer: *Sighs deeply* “I’m really sorry. I could have had that about twenty minutes sooner had I listened, huh?”
Me: “Probably. Stuff happens. Sometimes it’s much easier to fix than you think. Please, in the future, just give us a chance.”
He was quite subdued but very pleasant when we went through the procedure and I got his cable sent to him.
It is about 2015 or 2016. I am a licensed insurance producer for one of the major US insurance companies and I take calls from people who are dissatisfied with their policies and/or the service they’ve received from a customer service representative.
In my position, I only speak with those who already have vehicle policies, and I have access to their full profiles and history.
My current caller has a less-than-stellar driving history, so he’s paying more than average for his policy and has recently been in an accident that caused minor damage to another vehicle, for which we have paid.
Me: “Thanks for holding, Mr. [Caller]. My name is [My Name]. May I ask why you’ve requested to speak with a supervisor today?”
Caller: “I own an auto body shop and my guys said there’s $20,000 damage to my car which you are refusing to pay, and my girlfriend and I were injured and you won’t pay our medical bills. I’m a doctor and I know that we’ll both suffer for years. You all need to get your act together and pay what you owe me. That’s what you can do for me, and I’m not taking ‘no’ for an answer again.”
Me: “As my CSR has already explained, the policy you purchased only covers damage and injury to others that you cause. There is no coverage for your vehicle or for injuries to you or any passengers in your car, so you are not entitled to any payment from us. I can quote the cost of adding coverage for any future incidents, but it won’t change the payout for any accident that’s already happened.”
Caller: “I paid good money, and lots of it, for my policy and you are so wrong. I’m a lawyer and I’ll sue. It’ll cost you big time. We’ll see who’s right. I don’t care how long it takes; I have loads of money — millions of dollars — and I won’t give up, so you might as well just pay me now and make it easy on yourselves.”
Me: “Since you are now threatening legal action, I can no longer discuss your situation; you’ll need to speak with a member of our legal team. Would you like to take that contact information, or would you prefer to be transferred now?”
Caller: “I worked in the insurance industry for years and I’m a tenured professor at the local college and teach insurance classes. I wrote the test you took to get your insurance license, and the state insurance people even call me for advice when they run into cases like mine. I know my rights and you’re going to fix this for me!”
Me: “Is [phone number] a good call back number for you?”
Caller: “Yes. Yes, it is. Finally, I seem to be getting through to you how ridiculous you’ve all been. I’ve already verified my address; that’s where you can send the check.”
Me: “I’ve noted in the call history of your policy that you’ve expressed your intent to take legal action, so any further communications will be through our attorneys. I’m disconnecting now; thanks for calling.”
This business owner/doctor/lawyer/millionaire/insurance professional/college professor/bag of hot air was just short of his twenty-first birthday and the insured vehicle was a 1990s era low-end Honda. I don’t know if he ever actually tried to sue.
