This Caller Is Off The Hook

| Augusta, GA, USA | Uncategorized

(Note: I have been speaking to this caller for at least a half-hour.)

Me: “Okay, now while we program your new cell phone, I need you to stay on the line on the second cell phone.”

(Suddenly, I hear the sounds of shattering glass, screeching tires and crumpling metal. I hit the emergency button on my phone system and stay on the line, as I am trained to do. Eventually, a deep male voice comes on the line.)

Me: “What is going on?”

Safety worker: “Apparently, your customer was juggling two cell phones while holding a hot coffee between her knees, and driving. Another car admits to not seeing the red-light until it was too late. They t-boned your customer. I have no idea how the h*** I am going to write up this one. Thanks for staying on the line. I am ending this call now.”

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Phoning, But There Is Nobody Home

| GA, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “So, I need to get you off your cell phone so we can put a lock code on it. Then people can’t use it without your permission.”

Customer: “Okay. That would be good.”

Me: “Do you have another line I can call you on?”

Customer: “My boyfriend’s phone is right here.”

Me: “What’s his number?”

(She gives me the number.)

Me: “Okay. I’m going to call you on his phone. Don’t hang up until we get on that line.”

(I put her on hold and call the phone. Nobody answers. I check back on her.)

Me: “Ma’am, I think I have that number wrong. Can you give it to me again?”

(She gives me the exact same number.)

Me: “Okay. I called you on that number and nobody answered.”

Customer: “Well, it rang but I didn’t answer it. I wasn’t sure who was calling.”

How To Create Characters

| Bluefield, WV, USA | Uncategorized

(A customer calls in to make a payment with his credit card. He is an older man, and is obviously having trouble reading the numbers.)

Customer: “Let’s see. 1, H–”

Me: “Sir? Did you say H?”

Customer: “Yeah. H, 8–”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir. There are no letters in a credit card number.”

Customer: “Yeah there are. 1, H, 8, L…”

(I try, just in case. I receive an error as soon as I type in the letter.)

Me: “I’m terribly sorry, sir. It won’t accept letters.”

Customer: “Well try again! 1, H, 8, L, 6…”

*long pause*

Customer: “Oh! I have this thing up-side-down!”

Speaking Posh Gets You No Dosh

| Boise, ID, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [company]. My name is Steve. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Who did you say this was?”

Me: “Steve. With whom do you wish to speak?”

*long pause*

Caller: “Did you just say ‘whom’?”

Me: “Yes.”

Caller: “I have the wrong number.”

A Few Digits Shy Of A Phone Number

| Pensacola, FL, USA | Uncategorized

Me: “Thank you for calling [cell phone company]. May I confirm your wireless number?”

Customer: “My what now?”

Me: “Your wireless number?”

Customer: “I haven’t got a wireless number.”

Me: “Your cell phone number.”

Customer: “Oh yeah. I don’t know.”

Me: “You don’t know what your phone number is?”

Customer: “Nah. What is that?”

Me: “The number associated with the cell phone that you’re calling me from right now.”

Customer: “Yeah. I don’t know it.”

Me: “I see here that you’ve had the account for over a year.”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “So do you know your number?”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Okay.”

*awkward silence*

Me: “Can you tell me what it is?”

Customer: “I don’t know what that is.”

Me: “Okay, let’s try this.”

(I explain how to access the number from the phone menu.)

Customer: “How do I get the menu?”

Me: “Press the menu button.”

Customer: “I haven’t got one. Hang on.”

(The customer presses random buttons for about a minute.)

Me: “Hello, sir? Are you done?”

Customer: “I see something on my screen. It’s a real long number. Is this my number?”

Me: “What does it say?”

Customer: “396748562318521*2554###.”

Me: “Okay, stop. Those are the numbers you just typed into your phone.”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “Yeah.”

Customer: “Oh yeah. I know my number.”

Me: “Really?!”

Customer: “Yeah. It’s [6-digit-number].”

Me: “That was only 6 digits.”

Customer: “Yeah.”

Me: “I need 10.”

Customer: “Oh. I only got 6.”

Me: “I realize this.”

Customer: “That isn’t enough?”

Me: “Not in the United States of America, no.”

Customer: “Well, that’s all I got.”

Me: “Is there any way that I can help you today?”

Customer: “No.”

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