Demanding To A Fault

| Christchurch, New Zealand | Crazy Requests

(This happens two days after New Zealand suffered a major earthquake. Most of the central city is a Red Zone with people still trapped in buildings; there is absolutely no access allowed. There are a lot of phone lines out due to breakages, and our technicians are working heaps of extra hours. Everyone is under huge stress.)

Me: “Hello, this is [Company] Faults Service. How can I help you?”

Caller: “My phone isn’t working. I need a technician.”

Me: “Right, I’m sure I can help you with that. Firstly, where are you?”

Caller: “I’m in Christchurch.”

Me: “Okay. We’ve had considerable disruption of our Christchurch services due to the earthquake. Our technicians are not available for callouts at the moment, unfortunately. I can give you an idea of when the service might be restored, though.”

Caller: “I live at [address in the middle of the Red Zone]. I need you to get a technician to come out now.”

Me: “Unfortunately, I can’t do that. That address is in the Red Zone, and we aren’t allowed access.”

Caller: “But I was allowed in. You should be too. I need my phone to work!”

Me: “Well, you’re a resident, ma’am. You have special dispensation to go into the Red Zone.

Caller: “But I need my phone to work! I need it for my business! Get a technician out, now!”

Me: “I’m afraid we can’t do that, ma’am. We can’t access your address, and our technicians are flat-tack busy at the moment trying to restore services.”

Caller: “This is terrible service! I should have gone with [other company]! They guarantee a technician within an hour!”

Me: “Ah, so do we, ma’am. But this is extreme circumstances, and—”

Caller: “Don’t you give me excuses! I want a technician, NOW!”

Me: “Unfortunately, that’s simply not possible. We will restore service as soon as we can, but right now we can’t send out a technician to help you.”

Caller: “Well, I’ll be calling back again when I get back from Auckland! Maybe I’ll get better service then!”

Me: “…Auckland?”

Caller: “Yes, I’m going to go stay with my relatives. Don’t you know there’s been an earthquake?!”

Self-Fooling Prophecy

| Oslo, Norway | Extra Stupid, Money

(I am a customer consultant. We sometimes get people on the phone who have been called by the debt collection company due to unpaid invoices.)

Me: “This is [company]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “How dare you send my invoice to the debt collection company!”

Me: “That is unfortunate. May I have your invoice number, please? Perhaps we have the wrong address on file.”

Customer: “It’s [invoice number]. After you sent me three reminders, you have suddenly sent it to the debt collection company! I want to cancel my services immediately!”

Me: “Wait, you HAVE received the reminders we’ve sent you?”

Customer: “Yes, I did. I threw them away.”

Me: “And why did you never call us when you received the reminders?”

Customer: “I thought you would stop sending me reminders.”

Me: “You thought the unpaid invoice would just magically disappear if you threw away the invoice reminders?”

Customer: “Yes, Of course!”

Related:
Self-Discarding Prophecy

Fortunately For Us Both, I Like Crazy

| Los Angeles, CA, USA | Awesome Customers, Geeks Rule, Rude & Risque, Top

(I work in the “exotic phone call” industry. Most customers know they’re paying a lot of money for the call, so they don’t play games. But, every once in awhile, I get calls that even I find strange.)

Caller: “Oooh, hey, what’s your name?”

Me: “You can just call me ‘Candy.'”

Caller: “Oh, no, I’m diabetic. Can I call you something else?”

Me: “Well, my special callers call me ‘Silk,’ because I’m so smooth.”

Caller: “Hmm, no. I don’t like silk… or satin.”

Me: “Well, how ’bout this? What do you wanna call me?”

Caller: “Err… Cortana? Like, from Halo?”

Me: “Really? I LOVE Halo!”

(In the end, this caller and I talked about the Halo franchise for roughly three hours without discussing anything even remotely dirty. It was the most enjoyable call I’d taken all month. To show my appreciation for the conversation, I took 50% off of his bill.)